Laws and Admonitions of Anime

Firstly, quite a few of these are Marianopolis Anime Club member quotes used without permission, but what was I supposed to do, leave the list incomplete?

Secondly, rules are made to be broken. So don't come running like an ahou if you find an example of, say, a slow-motion aerial coup-de-grâce attack that worked. (Kenshin tends to pull it off, for one thing. Yet another reason to respect the guy.)

Everyone's in the opening sequence.

Kawaii is good.

Good is dumb. [1]

Main character default age is 14.

The taller the hair, the stronger the ki.

Aerial coup-de-grâce attacks don't cut it.

Tokyo... the matchstick city.

No one ever thinks to hit the evil magician WHILE he's casting.

Things curve outward before they explode.

People die.

Be leery of fighting someone who:

  1. glows.
  2. carries his theme music with him into the room.
  3. owns a mech with a better paint job than yours.

If the character "Joe" dies in a certain episode, the title of the episode will be "The Death Of Joe."

The above does not constitute a spoiler to the Japanese mind.

"Never trust a mangaka... who made her start in doujinshi!"

Two words: Splattering Fluids.

Two words: Interdimensional Mallet.

Dubbing into English raises female voices by an octave; dubbing into Chinese, by two.

Never underestimate the power of a cute monosyllabic animal.

Goku's SO not dead.

Cutesy Romantic Heroine = honors graduate from the Tendou Akane School of Cookery.

Slow motion attacks are doomed for interruption.

People sing on anime CDs you'd never have thought possible.

Two words: Still Frames.

"All Aries pilots are sociopaths. All Leo pilots are incompetents."

Angel wings shed [2].

The price of a tape is inversely proportional to the amount of anime it contains.

Happosai designed the sailor fuku.

Japanese people can be born blond/blue. (Or blue/blue, or red/green, or grey/gold, or purple/pink, or...)

Two words: Service Shots.

Every anime contains one or more of the following:

  1. a homosexual character.
  2. a transgendered character.
  3. a character who's male - though you wouldn't know it.

Mechs are cool. The defense rests.

Two words: Evil Empire.

Never underestimate the monk.

Big eyes, big hair. Need I say more?

If it's called the Forest Of No Return, there MAY be a reason at that.

Tw...okay, more than two words: The Staff With The Rings. [3]

"The ugly macho evil guy never wins the fight." (Dark Schneider, bless his heart, who should know)

Attacks must be identified by name.

Corollary of above: the enemy must pretend he doesn't know what it is.

The world ended in 1999.

Two words: School Uniforms.

Two words: Panty View... oops, just said that.

Cutesy Romantic Heroines Fall Down.

Cutesy Romantic Heroines Break Glass.

Cutesy Romantic Heroines Have The Intelligence Quotients Of Marmots.

Cutesy... and you ask WHY the tentacles?

It doesn't matter if the rest of the song is dripping with violins - the bridge'll always be an '80s guitar-and-synth riff.

"Those who speak little, act lavishly." (Duo Maxwell - who's less sparing of action than you would think)

Two words: Transformation Sequence.

Magical Girl: Japanese teen discovers mysterious artefact and/or is sucked into an alternate world, thus endowing her with immense powers that allow her to save the universe (but not to change out of her school uniform). Not to be confused with...

Magical Girlfriend: plain unassuming guy with no love life finds himself being fought over by approximately 115 space queens/battle androids/goddesses, all of whom are gorgeous and willing to do menial chores to keep him happy.

The following entries may be referred to collectively as the Great Operatic Seiyuu Parallel [5] :

  1. Soprano: CRH, squeaky-clean, dewy-eyed, forever peppy and helpless, above-average looks. The main chick.
  2. Tenor: Leading man, hero, kicks evil empire ass, negligeable intelligence quotient (doesn't need it). Gets the chick.
  3. Baritone: Best friend, best brains, comic relief, the only person you'd really hang out with. Doesn't get the chick all the same.
  4. Mezzo: femme-fatale sorceress, tragic lesbian, genki ally, above-average boobs. The other chick.
  5. Bass: Evil incarnate, scheming, heartless, damned cool bastard. Does things to chicks with tentacles.
  6. Alto: Bishounen, boys below 7th grade, okama, immensely powerful obaasans who pop up out of nowhere to solve problems Dea Ex Machina style. The one you thought was a chick.

Two words: Pirotess Complex. [5]

Policewomen wear miniskirts.

Previews and summaries take up 25% of the episode.

Two stupids make a right.

Appetite is inversely proportional to culinary talent.

Three words: Five-Man Team.

And three more: Dumb Justice Speech.

The greatest warrior in the world can be felled by a five-foot-tall girl screaming "Hentai!"

Never pick on the short guy.

JPOP stops wars, powers mechs, rescues kidnappees, restores spiritual energy and conquers cities. It is, in short, the Prime Mover and fundamental guiding principle of the universe.

The hero takes the hits.

The story always makes more sense in the manga.

Two words: Sakura Blossom.

Wobbly eyes say it all.

No one - no matter how ugly or evil - is immune to the Kawaii-fying Force of SuperDeformation.

The team is greater than the sum of its members.

Two words: Funky Eyecatch.

"There is no one who does not carry scars on his heart. If there were someone like that, he would be a shallow soul." (Hiei - love him!)

Evil has its reasons.

No one is beyond redemption. It just seems like it some days.

One word: Sweatdrop!

Notes:

  1. The corollary to this is not, as the common misconception holds, "Evil is smart." Evil can be smart or dumb, depending on the anime, but Good is always dumber. If Good were smarter than Evil the show would be over in under half an hour, and what with current tape prices and all that would be a rip-off, no?
  2. Though, mind you, this is logical. I used to keep a bird. They DO shed.
  3. You know what I'm talking about. The Taoist thing with the curvy heart-shaped metal top and the jangling rings attached. Rezo's staff. Chichiri's staff. Kujaku/Kuyo's star-seer wand. The dork in Ranma who told Kuno to go for Nabiki. I could go on.
  4. This is for all the folks who have ever had Calef remind them of Tamahome in terms of personality wash-out, or thought that Megumi Ogata would have made a decent Octavian in Rosenkavalier. You know who you are.
  5. I have an entire essay on this one. You'll see it. You'd never want to speak to me again, I dare say, but you'll see it.