I've heard people discussing what the most striking thing about him is. What the first thing they noticed about him was.

Some people, they say the most striking thing about him is that hair of his, which hangs down his back like a silky waterfall. Or his rich brown eyes, which can be warm as chocolate, or hard as rock. Or his hands. Yes, I've known a couple people who were very impressed with his hands. They're elegant, long-fingered hands that hide an immense strength. You can't help but be impressed by his hands when he's got you by the throat and is slowly crushing your larynx by the power of his hands alone. There are also some that have a lasting impression of his legs and feet. He's fast as a Mako-spawned snake with those legs of his.

There are many that notice his gun first; strapped low on his hip like some old-fashioned gunslinger. It's big. I mean, it's fucking *huge*. It captures your eyes even before he draws on you. When he does draw, the only thing your eyes allow you to see is the wide, gaping hole that you just know is going to spit out an intensely painful bullet at you.

That is, if you're lucky. If you are, you're usually dead before you know what happened. If you aren't quite so lucky, then he'll play with you a bit. Let you see his cold, hard smile and eyes, before blowing you away. I've seen this happen. And it's chilling.

But me? I first noticed his damn trenchcoat.

Try to imagine all that I've described about him. Walking towards you is a tall, slender man, with ebony hair falling down his back in a smooth sheet; dressed to kill in a designer black, silk suit. He walks with the lethal grace of a great cat on the hunt. You know you're facing a cold, hard killer. Rather impressive, right? Now try to imagine a long, black leather trenchcoat swirling about him as if it had life of its own.

Now, just try and suppress the shiver I know is trying to dance down your spine, or the tightening in your groin. Can't do it, can you? Didn't think so. That's just from imagining him. Actually seeing him coming towards you is at least ten times worse. The man is like a giant walking dick, he exudes so much unconscious raw sexuality.

As I got to know him better, and started working with him on a regular basis, my fascination with the man's trenchcoat turned into a full-blown obsession. You can't really blame me, though. That coat is practically a part of him, after all. He's got so many tools of his trade hidden in the pockets of that thing, that I'm almost convinced, he's got to have an inter-dimensional pocket somewhere. Otherwise, how else could he stuff so much shit in it and still have it hang off him so damn well?

I have dreams about him and that damn coat of his. Dreams that have me waking up sweaty and ready for a good fuck.

If you think that sounds pathetic, you're gonna love this part.

There was this one time, we were chasing a target across a roof, and for some reason or other that I can't remember now, we had to jump after him. As we were jumping, I felt a corner of his coat pass across my cheek, almost like a caress. It had that incredible softness that leather gets when it's old and worn, softer than the skin of a baby's bottom. What? You don't believe me? You've just never had a really good leather coat then. Believe me, when it gets that softness, it's softer than anything in the world.

I swear, my knees got weak, and my heart gave two loud, slow thumps, before I got back control over myself. It would've been painful to have landed with my knees weak as noodles, and my head up in the clouds.

Imagine, all it takes to reduce the most powerful man on this planet into a muddle of sentimental goo, is the casual swipe of a certain Turk's fucking trenchcoat. I told you it was pathetic, didn't I?

So why'm I telling you this? Well, it seems to me that you should know why I'm about to rip your stupid fucking head off. It's not really your fault. You couldn't have known how important that coat was to me. Especially after he died at that madman's hands. It's the only thing left of him. You also couldn't have known that the treasure that I keep in this chest is just a scruffy looking trenchcoat. But you still shouldn't have tried to steal from the President of Shinra, it's just about the stupidest thing you could ever have done. The fact that you ended up taking my only remembrance of Tseng, was just more bad luck.

Now, what's the lesson to be learned from all this? What? I can't hear you. You'll have to speak louder. Hmm, what's that? Stealing's bad? No. That's not the lesson. Try again. Don't steal from Shinra? Well, yes, that is a good lesson to learn, but not the one I'm trying to teach you. Besides, you should've already known that one, stupid fuck. What? You can't guess. Then let me enlighten you. Never, ever come between a man and his obsession. He will kill you for it.