Sometime in October last year, there was a thread on the ff-yaoi mailing list where one of the list-members asked everyone to add-on to a fic that she had started. Rituko sort of hijacked it, and then I ran with it. Then the other admin on ff-yaoi joined in the madness, and this is what we managed to turn it into. *grins*

What we, that is, Rituko had to start out with...

The casual air that Rufus had about him stunned Reeve more than the vice president's words. //Has he done this before? So the rumors were true...Oh, God, I'm about to be raped by Rufus Shinra...//

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Written by Rituko

With that thought, he stumbled backwards, groping for something, anything-he wasn't sure what he was going to use it /for/, as he didn't dare to conk Rufus over the head with it. Maybe conk /himself/.

Rufus took another step into the room, a surprised look flashing over his face. People didn't run from the Prez! People threw themselves at his feet and scrabbled at his fly! The /temerity/ of this little fuck...

Reeve gulped, thinking /ohfuckhe'sgonnakillme,nowaithe'sgoingtorapemethenkill- OH FUCK/ then tripped over his own feet and plunged headfirst out his window. His seventieth story window.

There was a long, drawn out "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH" that faded slowly, then silence.

Rufus commented almost conversationally, "Well, fuck."

"Fuckin' /sucks/ is what /I/ think!" Reno fumed. "I was gonna get some!"

"Who said?"

"You did! Why else didja take me along?"

Rufus frowned. "To watch."

"To w-w-!" Reno sputtered. "What kind of fuckin' freak /are/ you?!"

"Reno." Rufus' tone was mild.

"Huh?"

Rufus neatly pushed him out the window. There was another longer, more girly "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH", then silence once again.

Rufus looked out the window. "You're fired." He thumbed the safety on his shotgun, but cursed and dropped it as it slipped out of his sweaty hand. It flipped and twinkled in the sun as it fell into the dark fathoms seventy stories below. Rufus lunged for it, screaming, "Nooooooooooooooooo!" which turned to "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH" as he realized he'd just lunged himself out the window.

And that was how the Shinra empire was toppled in one day, boyz and girlz, let us take a moment and bow our heads in a moment of rememberance.....

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Written by cys

It was a bright, sunny day in Midgar. Or, at least, the artificial sunlight provided to make the Shinra corporate building look more appealing was shining brightly, giving the illusion that it was a birght, sunny day. A solitary bird had managed to find its way into the city and was busy chirping its little heart out, basking in the artificial UV rays, unaware that the radiation pounding into its body would burn it to a crisp in a few moments.

Rumple Higgin was bored. Bored, bored, bored. When he'd applied for a job as a security guard at the Shinra Electric Company, his mind had provided a nebulous image of him wearing a dapper uniform and /finally/ being able to get some girls. After all, women loved a man in uniform, right? Instead, he'd been provided with a powder-blue uniform that was gayer than treeful of monkeys and ordered to stand guard outside the main doors of the corporate building. Which wouldn't have been so bad except that NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. Ever. Rumple sighed.

Rumple then blinked as he heard a high-pitched scream coming closer and closer. He looked all around but couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. He shrugged and figured that it was probably a television whose volume had been set too loudly, steadfastly ignoring the fact that there were no televisions anywhere near him (except for the ones inside the building...which was thoroughly sound-proofed).

Rumple nodded to a gentleman strolling down the street and then went back to being bored. A moment later, there was a loud *THUMP* and the horrible screaming stopped. Of course, now there were two dead bodies less than ten feet from Rumple, and there was nothing in the employee handbooks that said anything about *that*.

Almost a minute later, when Rumple had finally decided that it would be a good idea to call someone (he figured a janitor would be best since the body that had fallen had made *quite* a mess on the clean pavement in front of the building and he knew that his superior was a stickler for appearances), he heard a second high-piteched scream and looked up in time to see another body hurtling down. This time, the body had flaming red hair and ended up falling on a rather fat woman who had come over to see what was going on.

Rumple started to feel annoyed. Yes, he'd been bored and irritated, but that didn't mean that he wanted bodies to start falling from the sky! Whoever *heard* of such nonsense? Scowling, he stomped over to the fallen bodies, with the vague thought that he would kick them a couple of times or something, muttering under his breath. "What the bloody hell is going on he--"

Rumple's muttering was cut short as a hard object made contact with the top of his head. Cursing loudly, and trying to keep from crying from the pain, he bent down to see what had beaned him on the head. It was a shotgun. A rather nasty looking thing that screamed 'lethal' in large neon letters. He looked up balefully, "Dammi--"

Rumple Higgins had enough time for one last thought of, "And here I thought being a security guard was boring..." before the white-clad body of the Vice-President of his company landed with precise precision right on top of him and killed him instantly. Some days, it's just better not getting out of bed, no matter how nice it seemed.

(Note: It would have ended with this except that Mizu no Ryu had to go and post this next part...)
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Written by Mizu

Rufus Shinra shook his head to clear the ringing in his ears. Thankfully, his fall from the 70th floor had been broken by some unfortunate slob. Most people would feel guilty about it, but not Rufus. He had too many important things to do to let something like guilt bother him. He stood up somewhat shakily, and straightened his clothing. Seeing his gun lying on the ground, he picked it up and returned it to its rightful place on his hip. Whistling tunelessly, he re-entered the Shinra corporate offices.

(Note: So of course I had to keep going... ^_~)
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Written by cys

Tseng walked into Reeve's office just in time to see Rufus taking his header out the window. For one, eternal moment, he didn't know what to do. So he did something he hadn't known he was even *capable* of. He dithered. He supposed he really should rush to the window and at least peak out. As Rufus' bodyguard, it *was* his responsibility to find out what happened to his body, after all.

Rufus' high-pitched, rather girly scream made Tseng scowl. With that scowl, he felt the need for dithering disappear, and his more normal feeling of controlled violence come back. That made Tseng a very happy Turk, because there was nothing he hated more than a dithering idiot, and if *anyone* had seen him be one himself, they would have followed the blonde Vice-President right out the window. The blonde Vice-President that had screamed like a girl. Tseng scowled even harder. He *knew* he'd raised the damn fruity boy to be more manly than *that*.

Tseng stalked over to the window and looked down just as the high-pitched girly scream stopped. He peered down at the tiny specks below him, squinting. He squinted even more and could barely make out a white-clad body sprawled atop the powder-blue uniforn of one of the pansy security guards. In Tseng's mind, security guards held the same position as cockroaches. They were everywhere, and only existed to annoy you. From his vantage point (70 stories high) it looked like the white-clad figure wasn't moving, though he /really/ couldn't see it very well. Tseng wondered if it was time to get a pair of glasses, but that would mean that he was admitting that he was getting old.

He yelled down at the poor, unfortunate security guard. "You killed Rufus! You bastard!" He ignored the fact that Rufus had fallen out the window and fallen on the /guard/, not the other way around. But Rufus was Rufus and nobody blamed Rufus for anything that Rufus did. It just wasn't done. If you wanted to stay healthy and happy at Shinra, that is.

"He's not dead."

"WHAT?!" Tseng nearly jumped out of his skin as Elena looked at him. He hadn't even heard her come in, much less move beside him. He scowled again. Maybe he should get his hearing checked out while he was getting his glasses...

Elena blinked, "I said, he's not dead." She pointed to the ground, where he could just barely see the white blur get up, dust itself off, pick up its shotgun, and saunter back into the building.

Tseng nodded in relief. "Oh, good. I'd hate to have to be assigned as the President's bodyguard, again. He can't seem to get it through his mind that I'm his /body/guard, not his body/guard/. He keeps plastering himself against my back and can't seem to keep his hands to himself."

Elena stifled a snicker. If it weren't for the fact that he could could kill her in more than 100 ways with a straw, she would have said that her boss was fruitier than a fruit cake, and denser than the congealed muck Hojo insisted was coffee.

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Written by Rituko

Rufus brushed ineffectively at a stain on his suit. There was /no/ way blood could be gotten out of 100% chocohair! Each fiber was extracted painstakingly from the down feathers of a unborn chocobo chick and bleached a pure white and it was a bitch to iron, a bitch to clean, a bitch to wash!

A secretary tremblingly asked, "Sir, are you all right? You're all dir-"

Rufus raised his shotgun. The poor sap fell to her knees and shrieked, "NO! NONONONO IF YOU KILL ME YOU'LL GET EVEN MORE BLOOD ON YOU, PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!"

Rufus shot her anyway, his ears ringing. Fuck, this suit was ruined anyway, a few more blood spatters wouldn't hurt. But, he fumed, looking down at himself, he /really/ had to reevaluate what kind of gun he liked to use for close range combat. But he loved it like it was his own child. It gleamed blackly in the light, the shine on it laying mellowly and lovingly along the sleek black lines. He sighed with adoration, then screamed. There was a dent in it! NOOOOOOO! This really sucked! He shot a guard who was hiding behind a potted plant to commemorate the event.

He made it to the elevator (everyone else not /daring/ to ask the Prez who how or why he was so messy) and pressed the up button. The elevator dinged, and it opened. He was about to step on when Tseng barrelled out and knocked him skidding all the way to the stairs, and he went thumping and flailing all the way down.

"OW- *thump* FUCK- *crunch* TSENG- *bumpbump* SHIT- *bangthump* YOU'RE FIRED- OW- *thumpthump* DAMMIT! *splat* Agggggh....."

A squadron of guards ran in through the front doors, drawn by the thumps and screams. They saw Tseng standing dismayed, his jaw hanging agape, at the top of the stairs and ran for him. Unfortunately, they didn't see Rufus getting up at the bottom and twenty pairs of feet knocked him over and trampled him under.

Tseng pulled at his hair. "NO, you /idiots/!"

They milled around, and as one, looked up at him. "Uh?"

Tseng windmilled his arms frantically. "Can't you idiots watch where the /hell/ you're goi- no, wait, I'm fired. Never mind." He flapped a hand at them and cocked a hand on his hip. Behind him, Elena giggled. Fruit.

Tseng whirled and gave her a glare. She looked innocently surprised.

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Written by cys

Sephiroth wandered out of his rooms, looking rumpled and sleepy-eyed. It had been a late night, what with breaking his two new favorite toys. He really didn't know which one he liked better, but figured that it didn't matter. The two were like a matched set anyway, what with their spiky hair. Sephiroth, having just been woken from sleep, and not being at all a morning person (despite it being well past noon already), failed to notice that he'd come wandering out naked as the day he was born.

While Sephiroth may not have noticed his state of undress, everyone else did. One after another, the guards all succumbed to the massive torrents of nosebleeds at the sight of the Great Sephiroth, General of the Shinra Army, and acclaimed Silver-Haired Sex God in the buff, said Silver-Haired Sex God's long hair doing nothing to hide the perfect form of his body.

Rufus was vexed. Very, very vexed. First of all, he'd had to go to 'discipline' Reeve, who hadn't even /wanted/ to be disciplined, then he'd had to listen to Reno's whining before he pushed the red-head out of the window, then he'd dropped his shotgun, managed to fall out the window himself, gotten his suit dirty when he landed on the dumbfuck that had broken his fall, found out his shotgun was /dented/ (Rufus steadfastly refused to cry at the desecration of his Baby), been shoved down a flight of stairs, and been trampled by fucking moronic guards. Who he really should fire. Or fire at. He wondred which would make him feel better... The thought of firing brought up another sore point. Dammit, he'd fired Tseng, again, so if he wanted the damn guards fired /at/ he'd have to do it himself, and with his Baby hurt like she was, that could take a good long time, and he'd get even /more/ blood on his chocohair suit.

Rufus scowled. He brightened. He /did/ have three other Turks, well, two now, right? Tseng was fired, Reno was dead, so that left... Rufus took a moment to pull their names out of his memory... Elena and Rude. Rufus scowled, yet again. Elena, while an excellent Turk, was a /girl/, and Rufus had determined, long ago, that it would be better if he never had anymore contact with icky /girls/ ever again. It just made things easier. And Rude scared him. Ever since he'd found Rude prancing around in the men's room trying on a woman's bra and panties, he just hadn't felt very comfortable around the large Turk. If Rude had managed to actually look /good/, that would've been another story, but the sight of the bald Turk's hairy body crammed into three tiny triangles of material had given Rufus nightmares for /months/.

Suddenly, Rufus' vision was blocked by the sight of Shinra's very own Silver-Haired Sex God in all his bare glory. Rufus barely noticed the sudden nosebleed pouring onto his chocohair suit, entranced by the gleaming, glistening, and generally very grand display of naked Sex God in front of him. Now, /that/, Rufus thought drooling absently, was a /man/...

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Written by Rituko

Seph shifted, irritated. What the hell had happened? There was glass all over the floor, guards were milling around shooting each other in the foot-they tended to do that because they were trained to shoot /something/ and when they were confused or bored, they fell back on their training- Tseng was squatting on the stairs, stripping himself of his hated scratchy blue wool Turk suit with enthusiastic gusto, throwing the vestments away with all his might, then scratching madly.

Rufus didn't even blink as a pair of blue wool boxers came sailing down the stairs and landed perfectly on his head. Which was funny, of course, as the boxers covered his face and presumably Rufus was staring at Seph, but he couldn't see him anymore.

Seph's mouth turned down with disapproval. He /hated/ mess! Mess was an abomination, an abhorration, something that he would definitely love to wipe off the face of the planet, along with anyone who /caused/ mess, yet here was Rufus, the epitome of mess. Bloody, gory, stinking of gunpowder, disheveled, torn, and, to top it all off, Rufus had someone else's undies on his head! Not Seph's, but someone else's! Seph fumed. That disobedient little twerp...

He shivered a little. The air conditioning was certainly a bit chilly today... he made a mental note to behead whatever maintenence worker he came across first. He'd threatened them into setting the A/C to fifty degrees as he tended to overheat in his leather outfit, but the idiots had set it too low!

He stalked down the stairs towards Rufus, intent on ripping off the boxers and shoving it up Rufus' disobedient fat ass. He neglected to watch where he was going, however, and went flying as he tripped over Tseng's discarded tie. Tseng, completely nekkid by now, was now scratching his ass madly, a look of pure bliss on his face. He was so absorbed he didn't notice as the self-proclaimed sex god & equipment went flying by a few inches from his face.

Seph barrelled straight into Rufus (who didn't see him coming, boxers over his face and all) and they both screamed high pitched girl screams as they fell backwards and thumped down the stairs once again. "AIEEEEEE *oof* EEEEE *thump* EEEEEEE *whap* EEEEEEEE *thumpthump* EEEEEEEEE *splat* Rufus let out an additional scream as Seph's face smacked hard into his crotch when they landed. Rufus turned green, clutched himself,and rolled over.

Seph gritted his teeth. "You asshole, you gave me a concussion!" Rufus wheezed, "So what you shit muncher, you /neutered/ me!"

A guard with a lost look on his face wandered by, gave them interested looks, and carefully shot each of them in the foot.

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This is where we decided to end it because, let's just admit it, it was gettin' way too silly. ^^;;