Two For The Road

Rating: PG-13
Setting: Post BT
Spoilers: Hardly
Notes: Ah, the start of another school year looms large on the horizon and I really can’t be held accountable for my actions at this time of year. I do strange things. Which in this case involves the results of a late night conversation with kaz during which the suggestion of my doing this was broached. So this is all really her fault. Yeah. We’ll blame this all on kaz. LOL! Seriously, this was something very different for me, but at least it’s short. Thanks to my betas kazbaby and ScaperRed, for all that good stuff. And thanks to Susan for the drive-by read-through. You guys rock.

Warnings: No sex. Sorry. No real violence. A couple of bad words. This doesn’t even come close to an R rating. No dark, adult themes. Next time. I promise.
Disclaimers: Nope. Not mine. They belong to Henson et. al. No copyright infringement intended. No money being made.

“D, I gotta tell ya, man, this is the best frelling idea you’ve ever had,” John yelled at D’Argo, trying to make himself heard over the din. “You really got this best man thing down.”

“I was married, John,” D’Argo yelled in return. He raised his glass and knocked back a significant amount of the smoking mixture in it before burping mightily. “I know what it’s like to realize that within the next solar day you will be making the Sebacean female of your dreams your wife. And before my union ceremony…”

“Yeah, yeah, ya got fek-faced and got those lovely union tattoos,” John finished loudly for him. “As attractive as they are big guy, I’m thinking I’m really happy Aeryn and I are just gonna be exchanging wedding rings.”

John poked at the bowl of what passed in this establishment as bar snacks, grabbed a handful and chucked them in his mouth. He took a long pull of his own still smoking concoction and heaved a sign of contentment. “God. I love that woman.”

“Yes, John, we know.” D’Argo said loudly in reply, grabbing his own handful of snacks. “And no one deserves this more than you and Aeryn. I hope you know that Chiana and I wish you every happiness. Even Rygel is touched by your impending blessed state and has been waxing poetic about the beauty of his own numerous ceremonies and the blissful state of being joined.”

“Yo, D,” John shouted, shaking his head as if to clear it. “Nothing personal, dude, but images of Rygel and his wives being joined are not what I want dancing around in my head tonight. Or ever. I just wanna think about me and Aeryn and us lying on a beach on our honeymoon.”

John picked up his glass again and scowled into the bottom of it. “Don’t know about you, man, but I’m ready for another round.” He looked around and caught the harried waitress’s eyes, lifting his glass in the universal symbol for more.

She arrived at their table, setting the heavy glasses down with a thunk, before reaching out with what John thought looked remarkably like any lighter he could have found on Earth. Both he and D’Argo slid back in their chairs to avoid the burst of flame coming from the drinks once the waitress ignited them. With a really fake smile, she grabbed the currency D’Argo handed her and flounced off to another table.

“I may not be able to remember the name of it, but this shit is definitely better than those fake jello shooters we were doing earlier. And this doesn’t even really have a kick to it, not like the raslak we had at that last place. You could drink these all night and not get fek-faced.”

“Don’t fool yourself, John,” D’Argo snickered, an uneven grin spreading across his face. “These have a bigger kick than raslak, and they tend to sneak up on you. You might want to throttle back,” he continued, pointing a warning finger at John’s chest. “I will not be responsible for anything having to do with vomit. And you have to be able to stand tomorrow or Aeryn will kick both our eemas to hezmana and back.”

“Throttle back?” John asked indignantly, fanning his hand over his drink to dissipate some of the remaining heat and smoke. “The night is young and I haven’t even got a decent buzz on.” He brought the glass to his lips and chugged. “Whoa! What the hell was that?” The lights had gone down and there were catcalls coming from the almost exclusively male population of the bar.

“Must be the floorshow,” D’Argo opined as the first dancer hit the stage and the strobe lights began to flicker. “Wow, I didn’t know that was anatomically possible.”

“Word,” was all John could say as he brought his glass back to his lips. Finishing it off, he ran his tongue around his suddenly strangely frozen lips, alternately stretching them into a grimace of a smile and pursing them in a parody of a kiss, as if trying to make sure they still worked. Apparently satisfied that they would, he finally mumbled, “Uh, D?”

“Yes?”

John’s head was cocked at an unnatural angle looking at the dancer on the stage and his face was scrunched up in what D’Argo had come to recognize as his ‘What the frell?’ look.

“That is the female of the species, isn’t it?”

******************************

John wasn’t sure how much later it was when he and D’Argo stumbled out of the bar, stepping over several inert and unconscious bodies that were blocking the entrance to the establishment, D’Argo happily and quite loudly singing some kind of Luxan ballad about two star-crossed lovers. Or maybe it was about a warrior’s heroic death in a major battle. Or maybe it was about a boy and his keedva. John couldn’t be sure.

His head was spinning and his body was listing dangerously to the Hammond side. He stopped and tried to lean back against the nearest wall he could find, but his balance, aim, and coordination were off and he ended up sitting very heavily and without much grace on the ground.

“Yo, D,” he said, squinting his eyes against the glare of the ever-present flashing lights proclaiming all the wonderfully fun possibilities available to those in search of a good time. “Where’d we park?”

“What happened to the night is young?” D’Argo asked, grabbing John by the collar of his jacket, yanking him up and setting him on his feet, braced against the nearest building. “And I haven’t even got a decent buzz on? What kind of a best man would I be if I let you go home now? Don’t tell me you’re fek-faced.”

“I am not fek-faced,” John slurred. “I just wanna go home to Aeryn. And snuggle with my little momma-to-be.” D’Argo laughed as he watched the grin plaster itself all across John’s face. “God, I love that woman.”

“You are fek-faced. And don’t even think about vomiting," D’Argo warned, as he watched John’s face turn a whiter shade of pale. ”I have already told you that I will not deal with anything vomit related.”

“I am not fek-faced and I am not gonna vomit. I just need some air to catch my second wind and then I’ll be good to go.”

“What the frell does that mean?’

“I just gotta walk.”

“Fine, let’s walk.” D’Argo grabbed the human’s arm closest to him and pulled it up over his shoulder, dragging John away from the building and down the street. “Look,” he said, before they had stumbled too far. “Body art.”

“I told you no union tattoos. Aeryn would kill me.”

“It’s a massage and tattoo parlor. Full service. I don’t know about you, but a full body massage sounds really good right about now.

“And here I thought Chiana was taking care of your full body.”

“Very funny. I’ve been thinking about another tattoo for a while now. Maybe something with Chiana’s name in it. I’m going in. Come on.”

“After you big guy,” John said, following D’Argo through the door.”

“Welcome to my establishment, gentle beings. I am Javid.”

John squinted, sure he was seeing double as two short, squat, very red individuals hurried forward to meet them as fast as their stubby little legs would carry them, looking very much for all the world like moving fire plugs. He closed his eyes and shook his head to clear it. It didn’t work. When he opened his eyes again, the fire plug was still there. It continued to speak. “This is my brother Raynaud.”

“What humble service may we provide for you fine beings here in our humble establishment?” Raynaud asked.

“Nothing for me now,” John replied as D’Argo wandered off to check out what the shop had to offer, “ but my friend over there is interested in a massage. And maybe a tattoo,” he finished, swaying on his feet and feeling slightly light headed.

John moved over in the direction of a combination reclining chair/table suddenly longing to get off his feet. His tailbone ached, and he figured it was from falling on it wrong before. He hopped up into the recliner, pushed it all the way into the fully reclining position and gingerly stretched out, rolling onto his stomach to avoid putting pressure on his tailbone. One of the fire plugs followed him.

“What brings you to my humble establishment?” Javid asked him again.

“We were in the neighborhood,“ John mumbled from his face down position, his words fading in and out as he shifted trying to get more comfortable. “Celebrating. I’m getting married tomorrow. Er, later today.”

“Married?”

“Joined. To my mate. Union ceremony.”

“Ah,” the fire plug sighed, indicating his complete understanding. “Union tattoos.”

“No, that’s D’Argo. I just wanna go to home to my little woman and go to sleep.” John buried his head in his arms and wished mightily that the little fire plug would go bother D’Argo.

“John, look at this,” D’Argo said coming over to show him a printout of a tattoo. John raised his head to look bleary-eyes at the printout.

“That’s lovely, D’Argo. Flowers, hearts, and yotz. Just perfect.”

“I’m so glad you approve,” D”Argo said sarcastically. “I think I’m going to have it done.”

“And where would you like it placed?” John heard the little fire plug ask as he reached his hand back to rub his tailbone, which was still bothering him. It was the last thing he heard or felt as he slipped off into unconsciousness.

******************************

The next thing John felt was a gentle thump as the docking web deposited Lo’La on the hangar deck. He shook his head, which was pounding and struggled to get his bearings. He shifted in his seat. His tailbone was still hurting. He was going to have to ask Aeryn to check it out. Even in his currently reduced state, that made him smile.

“Yo, D. We’re home?”

“Yes, John, we’re home.” He heard D’Argo’s voice as if from a great distance before nodding off again.

******************************

“I believe this belongs to you,” was the next thing John heard as D’Argo deposited him none too gently on the floor of his and Aeryn’s quarters. He struggled to sit up, wincing from the pain in his tailbone, and tried to focus on Aeryn. She was already up and dressed and ready to start her day.

“Hey, baby,” he drawled, looking up at her and smiling.

“Did you two have fun?” Aeryn reached out a hand to pull John up into a standing position next to her. He leaned over and tried to kiss her lips, but missed, hitting her shoulder instead. She sighed as she helped him right himself. He grinned goofily at her again as D’Argo just rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh as he left their quarters and headed for his own.

“Yeah, we had fun,” John replied, taking a step closer to her. He stopped and reached back to rub his tailbone again, wincing. “But I could use a shower.” He began stripping off his shirt.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Aeryn asked, noticing him wince and watching him closely as he kicked off his boots.

“Nothing happened, babe, nothing at all. I just…fell down on the planet. Musta landed on my tailbone wrong. It twinges now and again,” he told her, trying to play it off. He didn’t want her worrying. Not today of all days.

He dropped his pants and boxers, and kicked them in the vicinity of the dirty clothes.

She wasn’t buying it.

“Let me see,” she said, stepping up to him, grabbing his shoulders to spin him around. He felt her freeze as he struggled to keep the room from spinning.

“What?” John asked. “What is it?”

“Is that where it hurts?” Aeryn asked, poking him. He yelped and jerked at the touch.

“Yeah, that’s where it hurts. What is it, babe?”

“I have a better question for you John. Is there something you want to tell me? Or do I even want to know why you have flowers, hearts, and yotz…” she trailed off and took a deep breath, “…and D’ARGO’S name tattooed on your eema?”