Right Turn Gets You Home

Rating: Hard R/NC-17
Setting: Post BT and after Coming Home
Spoilers: Through Season 4

Notes: This is the companion piece to Coming Home. Beta thanks: Shout outs and major props to ScaperRed and kazbaby, who indulge, support, and encourage, who always ask for more and never let anyone, character or author, take the easy way home, and who always make the writing better. To Susan, for her unfailing and enthusiastic optimism, and for always being willing to do the necessary drive-by. As always, mistakes remain mine.
Warnings: Please read and heed. Sex. Oh, yeah. I think it’s adult and graphic. It is all in the second part, which is rated NC-17. Violence. Yep. That’s in here too. Again, it’s graphic. Language. Uh-huh. Bad words. Dark adult themes. Yes, yes, yes. If you find any of the aforementioned objectionable or offensive, if these upset or unsettle you, or make you in any way uncomfortable, please do not read this. Really, really, really. And if there is any confusion at all about this, just slap an NC-17 rating on the whole thing and go from there. Consider yourselves warned.
Disclaimers: Definitely not mine. They belong to Henson, et. al. No copyright infringement intended. There is definitely no money being made.

Your sense of desperation intensified with each step you took down the corridor. You’d known it would be difficult to walk this path when you came back, but had expected it to end at the quarters you had shared with Aeryn.

Suddenly, the guilt and grief that you had been keeping so carefully controlled inside broke loose and coalesced into a torrent of raging, all consuming fear. A cold emptiness settled deep in the pit of your stomach, making you want to vomit.

“You want another?”

You focus on the detached voice breaking into your reverie and cock your head to look at the obviously bored Sebacean bar girl standing in front of you. Your eyes flick over her features and you decide that while she was attractive enough in a used kind of way, you are more interested in the bottle of raslak she is holding.

“Hit me.”

She graces you with her most disgusted look and starts to pour. As she brings the bottle up, you reach out and close your hand around her wrist, fingers digging deeply into her skin. She looks up, more than a little startled. You are either faster than she thinks you should have been, after all the raslak, or you aren’t as drunk as she thinks you should have been, after all the raslak.

Either way she figures you’re trouble.

“You’re hurting me,” she grimaces. You twist her wrist until she sets the bottle on the table then release it with a vicious snap.

“Just leave the bottle,” you say, holding some currency out to her with your other hand.

She snatches the crindars out of your hand and backs away from the table, giving you one last look before turning to go back to the relative safety of the bar.

You bring the glass to your lips and throw back the raslak, shaking your head at the burning sensation streaming from your throat to your gut. You reach out to pour another and then lean back in your chair and close your eyes, slipping back into your memories.

With every step the freight train rumbled more loudly in your head, the warning bell rang more loudly in your ears, and your stomach rolled with the sensations. Shame, pain, grief, guilt, and fear crashed like a tidal wave over you. Along with mind blowing rage. At the fates which had taken your child. At yourself for the terrible burden you had inflicted on her in your blind anguish.

“You shouldn’t have come back. I always knew you would, but you shouldn’t have,” Chiana said, looking at you with an odd mix of disgust and sorrow.

“I should never have left,” you replied, the truth of that kicking you in the gut.

Chiana nodded slightly and reached out to pass her hand over the entry sensor. The cell door opened with a slight hissing of air. You reached over and gently pushed the privacy curtain back so that you could enter…

…and stop breathing. She was even more beautiful than you remembered, lying there with her dark hair framing her face on the pillow, her pale skin almost translucent in the dim light of the cell, her lips slightly parted with her quiet, even breathing. She was beautiful and looked so much at peace it made your heart ache and your mind scream.

The Living Death.

“It’s not good to drink alone.”

Your eyes snap open to a still-pretty, small, blonde female Sebacean standing next to you.

“Who says I’m alone?”

“I’ve been watching you,” she says, sliding closer. “You’re alone.”

“I’m waiting for someone.”

“If you ask me nicely, I’ll keep you company while you wait.” She keeps her eyes on yours as she pulls the chair next to you away from table, turning it slightly so that it is facing you.

“I’m not good at nice.” Your gut clenches as you echo her remembered words.

“You don’t even have to ask me nicely,” she purrs, her voice getting softer as she edges around the chair, moving still closer to you.

“I’m not asking you at all,” you growl, grabbing her wrist and twisting back hard and to the side, forcing her to bend at the waist. You put your other hand on her shoulder and push none too gently, dropping her into the waiting chair.

“Understand this,” your voice goes low and deep as you lean in close to her face. Your eyes bore into hers until you see her fear. “I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you, and I sure as hell don’t want to frell you. So shut the fuck up and take your tralk ass somewhere else. Don’t care where you go as long as you do.” You let go of her wrist suddenly and push her back roughly. “Do you understand?”

She jerks to her feet and backs away from you.

“You’re fahrbot,” she spits at you before turning away.

You watch her move down to the other end of the bar to find a place with a couple of very drunk Luxans before turning your attention back to your bottle. You can hear her complaining loudly about you.

You pour quickly and toss that back, letting your mind roam freely again. A surging tidal wave of pain and grief crashes into you as the memories play.

“D’Argo…wanted to…end it for her,” Chiana said haltingly. “Thought that was what she would have wanted. I wouldn’t let him,” she finished defiantly.

“Why not?” You took the final two steps to stand at her side and gazed down into the face that had been in your dreams since the first time you had laid eyes on it. You felt Chiana step up behind you.

“Because it wasn’t time and it’s not his place,” she murmured close to your ear. “Because I wasn’t ready to lose her yet. I told you, I always knew you’d come back. It’s up to you to tell me that it’s time to let her go.”

“And you think I can do that?” Your voice was a broken whisper.

You turned to face her and she grabbed your hand, pressing something cold and metallic into it. You didn’t even look at it as his hand closed unthinkingly over it. You looked instead at the Nebari backing away from the raw anguish radiating from you for a moment, and then turned back to look at your wife, dropping to your knees by her side.

“I think you have to,” Chiana said gently, quietly backing out of the room. “You promised her.”

Your hands cupped her face as your lips brushed her forehead with a kiss. You could feel the heat that wasn’t supposed to be there radiating off her too warm skin as you rose from your knees and slid into the bed with her, gathering her gently into your arms.

You wanted so desperately to make this right. Had come back to make this up to her.

She’s your universe, your heart, your life.

You jerk to your feet so suddenly the chair goes over behind you. Suddenly you cannot stand being here, in this place. Gut clenching, lungs straining for air, head pounding, you stagger through the bar toward the back exit…

…and run straight into a mountain blocking your way. The tall Luxan has grabbed you roughly by the shoulders and is saying something you are having trouble understanding. Something about the Sebacean girl.

Without thinking your arms come up and out between his, freeing you from his grip. You shove him hard against the chest and before you know it Winona is in your hand and firing. The Luxan drops as you spin and fire on the other one. The bar explodes in a fury of screams and movement away from you.

You need to get out. Pushing blindly through the back door, you stagger out into the alley. Shaking wildly, breath coming in great shuddering gasps, your chest heaving as you try to draw enough air into your aching lungs, you fall back against the nearest filthy wall. You can’t stop the memories from flooding through you.

You’d closed your eyes as equations began to unwind again before you, and other memories began to assail you as well.

Aeryn dead. At the hands of the Scarrans. At your hands. So many times. So many ways. Aeryn and the baby lying in a pool of blood. Dead, dead, dead.

And all you could hear was the screaming of your heart. All you could feel was the raw, gaping wound in your soul.

Hostages to fate. Hostages to fortune. Hostages to time.

You knew what you could do, would do. You could make this right. Hell yeah, you could make this right. Just try another door.

You loved her, you needed her, you wanted her, and you weren’t going to let anything keep you apart.

Einstein was gonna be pissed. Fuck Einstein. That son-of-a-bitch could just deal. Again. And again.

You don’t even feel yourself sinking to the ground, limbs trembling so badly they refuse to hold you up any longer, tears stinging your eyes. You know how this is going to end.

“I’m here baby. I’ll always be here. Waiting for you.”

You pulled her tightly to you once again, kissing her lips as tears began to gather in your closed eyes. You loosened your embrace, pushed back enough to look into her face, and gently laid her back on the bed. Your hand moved of its own accord. The backs of your fingers stroked down her arm before turning to softly skim their way up the center of her torso, coming to rest over her heart.

The rhythm of your heart.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” you whispered over and over again. And you cursed y]urself again because she couldn’t hear your words.

But you will baby. I promise.

You held your breath and she barely gasped as you slid the stiletto blade into her chest. Your tears finally flowed freely as you hold her, feeling the life and breath ebbing out of her body, burning that feeling into your sense memory.

Everything would all right.

As long as you remember.

You feel the cold rush of wind grab you, pulling you from your drunken hell as the alley spins around you. You try to stand but before you can you see stars behind your eyes and feel yourself slip into an endless fall as the blackness swallows you whole.

******************************

John came to and found himself stretched out on an unfamiliar bed. His head was throbbing and his limbs were numb. Keeping his eyes closed and moving cautiously, he flexed his hands and feet until the tingling sensations running up his limbs told him that his blood flow was being reestablished.

When he felt the nausea recede and the pounding in his head lessen, he opened his eyes and found himself looking at a bright white ceiling. Gathering his strength, he pulled himself upright into a sitting position and then swung his legs around off the bed. White walls and a white floor stared back at him.

Sterile cell.

John leaned back against the wall, continued flexing his hands and feet, and waited for his host to arrive.

Pretty sure you know who that’s gonna be.

“What do you think you are doing?” The cold, flat voice asking the question carried quietly in the tiny room, an underlying tone of anger coloring it. John opened his eyes again at the sound of the voice and turned his head slightly to the left.

Einstein. Right on time. And, yep, he’s pissed.

“I wondered how long it would take you to call me,” John drawled softly, leveraging himself off the bed. “I’ve been waiting.”

“Then you know why you are here. I will ask you again. What do you think you are doing?”

“I’m trying to fix…something,” he said, moving closer to the old man.

“That is not the way this works.”

“I don’t care about how it works,” John said softly, slowly circling the Ancient. “I only care about one thing.” He stopped circling as he came face to face the old man. “Help me fix this.”

“That…is…not…the…way…this…works.” Einstein enunciated each word carefully and clearly, speaking to him as if he were slow and defective.

“I don’t care about how it works,” John repeated again slowly.” I only care about one thing. And I will not stop until I get it right.” He raised his right hand, pistol-finger pointing at the old man’s face. He made a clicking sound with his tongue. “Or you kill me.” John lowered his hand. “So, again…help me fix this.”

“The knowledge given to you is not to be used for your personal…agenda. You know that. The potential for irreparable damage…due to your…wandering is great.

You’re lying on a blanket in the grass. The sun is shining brightly in a purple hued sky and is reflected off the lake where you spent the afternoon. The breeze carries the scent of wildflowers. Mountains in the background remind you of your family vacations in Colorado.

Aeryn is lying in your arms and the baby is sleeping on your chest. You love them so much you think your heart might burst from it. Everything is perfect as you begin to drift off to…

…all hell breaking loose. The Scarrans are on you before you can even move from your sleep induced slowness. One of them grabs Aeryn by the throat and pulls her from your arms as the larger one pulls your child from you with one hand and back hands you with the other.

As you right yourself and try to rise, you see Aeryn hitting the Scarran’s face to no effect. Her arms and legs are jerking wildly, seeking purchase against thin air, her face frantic and eyes wild. You charge the Scarran holding her only to be knocked to the ground again. Blackness swirls around you.

This time when you rise you see the larger Scarran snap the baby’s neck with a violent twist. He throws the lifeless body of your child aside as your screams fill the air. You charge the larger Scarran again before another blow to your head causes the blackness to claim you.

“I know that,” John exploded, shaking himself violently, trying to purge the guilt and fear crawling around in his gut. “But anyway, thanks for the memories.” His voice went low and deep. “Don’t you think I know how badly I’ve…fucked things up? Can fuck them up?”

“No, I don’t think that you do.”

You wake to find yourself strapped down tightly to a metal frame. As your vision clears and the nausea subsides, you turn your head to take in your new surroundings. You are in a darkened cell.

To your left you can see an outstretched arm that is restrained by a metal bracelet. Your eyes wander up the arm to take in…Aeryn, imprisoned in a spread-eagle position in a grotesque parody of a gynecologist’s chair from hell. She is moaning softly, twitching against her restraints, trying to return to consciousness.

A door you hadn’t noticed opens and a male Scarran enters the room. He ignores you to walk up to Aeryn. You hear yourself scream at him to leave her alone, which jerks Aeryn back to consciousness. She looks at the Scarran and you can see the fear in her eyes as she begs you to help her.

You’re screaming again and lunging against your restraints as he grabs her hair and slaps her hard across the face. She’s beginning to whimper and plead as he moves onto her and begins the mating. Both of you have fallen silent by the time the rape is over.

“No! No! Noooo!” John screamed.

He launched himself at the Ancient without thinking, driving him back against the wall. John’s left hand found the old man’s throat, lifting him clear of the floor as his right hand found Winona and shoved her barrel against the Ancient’s forehead.

“You fucking bastard,” John growled. “That did not happen, will not happen, can not happen.” He blinked to clear his vision. And found himself empty-handed, Winona pointing at the wall.

“Do you now understand?”

John turned to look at the Ancient standing behind him, unable to formulate even a simple response. Winona dropped to his side.

“We may have been right. You are too simple an organism to possess the knowledge you do.”

“No,” John ground out, gasping. “Don’t take it from me. Please,” he breathed heavily. “I understand.”

“Do you? Your wandering has already created…significant ripples. The potential for even greater damage is more than slight.”

“I understand,” John repeated desperately. “Don’t take it from me. I need it. To make things right.”

Einstein appeared to stare off into the distance, as if trying to find the words that would make the human understand. John waited in silence until the Ancient returned his attention to the man standing in front of him.

“Certain points in realities resonate for you. You are drawn to them when you navigate. Are you following the…bell in your head or are you are thinking…too hard?

“I don’t know anymore,” John admitted guardedly. He leaned against the wall and pushed himself to stand. “I’m confused. I’ve done this over and over, and I can’t get it right.” He began pacing the small cell.

“What exactly do you want to do?” Einstein asked.

“Save Aeryn,” he whispered, his voice breaking on her name.

“And you have not been able to do that?”

“No. She’s died at the hands of the Scarrans. She’s died when I’ve tried to warn her.” John stopped a moment to consider his next words. “And she’s died at my hands, multiple times…multiple ways.”

“What does that tell you?”

“That’s…not what tips the dominoes,” John said softly, understanding dawning. “It’s not the point I have to return to.”

“Then what would that point be?”

“The picnic. I have to stop that. We can’t go down for the picnic.” He looked at the Ancient suddenly, suspicion flaring.

“Why are you helping me do this?”

Einstein said nothing.

“You want my son,” John said, taking a step toward the other man.

“We are…interested in discovering what…abilities your offspring may or may not possess.”

“But that’s not all you’re…interested in, is it?” John asked, taking two more quick steps forward. “What else?” John’s eyes narrowed in thought. “Aeryn?” Winona was up and in the Ancient’s face again before he was aware of the fact that his hand had moved. “Why are you interested in Aeryn? Tell me,” he growled.

This time the Ancient merely raised his hand to gently push Winona to the side.

“Your mate shows a unique ability not found outside your Pilot’s species for seeing the bubble that precedes a wormhole before it opens. Aeryn Sun can in effect sense wormholes. We believe that is the result of her genetic manipulation. And you have seen how competently she can navigate using that sense. That in and of itself makes her…interesting and worth watching.”

“And you’re also curious about what the combination of Aeryn’s and my genes have created in our child. You bastard.”

Again, Einstein said nothing.

“My wife and child are not part of this equation. You have me at your beck and call. Leave them alone.”

“You are not in a position to make demands. Or threats. Especially since you have come to me asking for assistance. At present, you no longer have a wife or child. That could be your permanent reality.”

“Don’t threaten me. You still need me. That is your reality. Consider this a Mexican standoff. Don’t jack me around on this and I will continue to be your good little pawn. Fuck me over on this and the universe can burn. You with it.”

“There are ways of removing you as a threat.”

“Yes. But that doesn’t help you solve your problem. Listen up. This is non-negotiable.”

“This will be the last time.”

“And this time I will make it right?”

“As long as you remember. And realize that events will be…restructured.”

“I’m going to remember it all?”

“Yes. It will help you…avoid the need to do any further…wandering. That will not be allowed to continue.”

The wormhole opened in the floor at John’s feet.

“Time,” the Ancient whispered. John took one last look around, nodding slightly to Einstein before stepping off into the swirling blue funnel.

******************************

John found himself standing in the den staring at a very perplexed Pilot. Trying very hard to see if anything else was wrong except for his unexplained presence in the den.

Ok. Get a grip dumbass. You can’t just come out and ask him if you’ve come back to the right point in time. Or if Aeryn’s dead. Or if you’ve screwed over the universe in your wanderings. Be cool.

“Hey, Pilot.”

Fucking brilliant, John.

“Commander Crichton,” Pilot said slowly. “I’m sorry. I did not see you enter the den. Is there something I can do for you?”

“Naw,” John drawled. “Just thought I’d come see how you and Moya were doing.”

“In the middle of the sleep cycle?”

“Yeah, sure. I…couldn’t sleep.”

“Is there anything wrong with Aeryn?” Pilot said, his voice rising at the thought of something wrong with Aeryn. “Anything wrong with the baby?”

Thank god. Aeryn’s here and she’s fine.

“No, no, nothing like that, Pilot,” John replied, hands raised in a placating gesture. “I just couldn’t sleep. And he’s not such a baby anymore,” he continued, trying to gauge the rightness of this exchange. “He’s over a cycle old now.”

God, please let him be over a cycle old.

“That may be true Commander Crichton, but Moya and I still consider him the baby,” Pilot said gently. His face took on a conspiratorial cast as he leaned forward, cocked his head, and whispered so quietly John had to lean forward to hear. “Unless you and Aeryn have some news you have not shared with us yet.”

John could have sworn he was leering.

“Uh, no, Pilot, no news yet. But, ya know, you will be the first to know. After me and Aeryn, I mean,” he managed to choke out, stumbling on the words.

Get some control here, John.

“Pilot, what’s our agenda look like for tomorrow?”

“We’ll be arriving at the Commerce Planet. D’Argo and Chiana will take care of resupplying Moya’s stocks and you will be off to enjoy your day of sun and fun and your family picnic.”

John felt a warm tidal wave of relief wash over him. Elation raced through his veins.

You can finally make this right.

“Listen up, Pilot. Change in plans. We don’t have to resupply here and now, right? I mean we’ve got enough stuff to get us to another Commerce Planet, right?”

“Yes, but Moya and I thought you wanted…”

“No, no, Pilot. We don’t have to get planetside here, now just for a picnic. We can do that anytime. Why don’t we just forget about making orbit tomorrow, move on to the next Commerce Planet?”

“Are you sure, Commander?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Matter of fact, why don’t we just starburst the hell right outta here right now?”

“Why would we want to do that?”

“Because it’d be a really good idea, Pilot. Trust me. And if anybody asks why we did it, could you just tell ‘em there was something you didn’t like about the planet? Like it didn’t meet our needs or there were Scarrans in the area. Something. Anything. Could you do that for me?”

“Of course, Commander. If it means that much to you, I will have Moya starburst immediately.

“Thanks, Pilot. You’re a lifesaver.”

“Commander?”

“Yeah, Pilot?”

“Is anything…wrong?”

“Not now, Pilot. Not now.”

Pilot looked more perplexed than ever. John simply smiled at him.

“I’m going back to bed now, Pilot. Thanks for looking out for Aeryn and the baby. And for…everything.

“You’re welcome, Commander. Moya and I wish you a good night.”

“Good night, Pilot”

Pilot reached over to begin the sequencing for starburst. John turned on his heel and walked out of the den. Reaching the corridor he felt the great leviathan enter starburst. When they exited, he began jogging down the corridor, headed for the quarters he shared with his wife.

******************************

He ran down corridors and up tiers until he reached the crew’s quarters and then he’d skidded to a stop. Frozen in place, unable to take another step. His heart was pounding in his chest and he couldn’t seem to draw a decent breath.

Just a few more steps, John. And you can see for yourself that they’re all right. That everything’s all right.

The images and sensations come unbidden and so quickly they threatened to overwhelm him and drive him to his knees.

…your desperation as you last walked down this corridor…the guilt and grief and torrent of raging, all consuming fear…the cold emptiness in your gut, the freight train running in your head, and the fire bell ringing…resting your forehead against Moya’s warm wall…the baby dead…Aeryn in the Living Death…kissing her forehead, holding her in your arms, feeling the heat radiating off her too warm skin…the screaming of your heart…the feel of your tears as you gently stroke her arm for the last time before bringing your hand up to…slide the stiletto blade into her chest.

John shook himself violently, staggering to the side of the corridor to rest his forehead against the wall. His ragged breathing came in erratic bursts of inhalations and exhalations without rhythm. He slapped a hand against the bulkhead, hoping the stinging pain would help ground him. Let him gain some measure of control.

Get your shit together, John. She’s fine. He’s fine. Pilot said so. All you have to do is walk back into your life. They’re waiting for you.

He took a deep breath and pushed himself away from the wall. Straightening himself, he turned and took a hesitant first step closer to his son’s cell. Then he took another step. And another. Until he reached the cell door. Reaching deep for the last remnant of strength, he palmed open the grate and stepped across the threshold.

“Lights low,” he whispered

The bed was empty.

Where the hell was he?

John’s eyes raked the room as his chest constricted once again and the rattlers coiled hissing in his gut.

With Aeryn.

He turned and stepped back out into the corridor and began walking the few steps down to their quarters. Coming to a stop in front of the cell, he drew in a deep breath to calm his racing pulse before reaching over to palm open the door. He stepped into the room…and stopped breathing at the sight waiting for him in the glow of the illumination from the corridor.

Evan Kieran Sun Crichton. And his mother, the radiant Aeryn Sun.

Sleeping. Aeryn’s body spooned around her son’s, his curled tightly within her sheltering embrace. Sleeping. In his bed.

The bed you shared with Aeryn. The bed you do share with Aeryn.

The band that had been constricting his chest suddenly snapped and he could breathe freely again.

Your wife and child are sleeping in your bed.

John stepped all the way into the room and heard the door whoosh softly closed behind him. His eyes never left the pair on the bed as he stepped quietly to their side. Gazing down at his sleeping wife and child, he felt as if his heart might burst from all the love in it for them. All the relief. All the grief.

Remember it all.

He hunkered down to undo his boots, then toed them off and began to strip off his clothes, shirt first followed by his leathers which were tossed onto the chair by the table. Slowly pulling back the cover, he gently slid into the bed and rolled onto his side, pulling up the cover. And looked over into the sleepy blue eyes of his wife.

The most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen.

“Sorry, babe,” he said softly, reaching out over his son nestled between them to gently stroke her hair, soaking in the sheer wonder of being able to touch her again at all. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay,” she murmured. “Where were you? I woke up to get him,” she indicated their son with a gentle sweep of her hand over his hair. “And you were gone.”

“Couldn’t sleep. Went to see Pilot,” he replied quietly, letting his hand rest on his son’s small shoulder. “Is it his teething?”

“I think so. He was pretty unhappy earlier, but I got him some ice and it seemed to help. Now he’s sleeping soundly.”

“You should be sleeping too,” he whispered, reaching out to take her hand which had been draped across her son’s waist, the slight shaking in his limbs mute testimony to the internal struggle he was waging.

He desperately wanted to hug them tightly to him, but restrained himself, knowing it would frighten her. He kissed each knuckle in turn before bringing it, clasped in his own, to rest next to his heart. His eyes never left her face.

“You must be exhausted.”

“No, I’m…”

He shushed her with a pair of fingers over her lips.

“Sleep, baby, you need it. Don’t make me sing to you,” he threatened.

She smiled and closed her eyes as his fingers stroked her hair and rubbed her scalp, then wandered over to massage her temple and stroke her cheek. Soon her breathing became even and regular and John recognized her descent into deep sleep.

“I love you, baby,” he sighed, leaning over to kiss her forehead.

“I love you too, little man,” he whispered, dropping a quick kiss on his son’s head.

He settled down to watch them sleep, knowing he could never take such simple joy for granted again.

He would always remember.

******************************

Your lips are locked and your bodies fused. She’s lying on top of you, her breasts warm and soft against your chest, your hand fisted and twisting in her hair, your other hand clenching her ass, pulling her more tightly to you. Your brain short circuits as the blood rushes to your groin. You are hard, hot, and heavy, aching for her.

You bring your hand up from her ass to hold her tight and roll. You want her underneath you. You want to look at her while you do this. You break the kiss to breathe, and begin to trail your lips along her jaw line, down her neck and along her collarbone. You slide down her body and your seeking mouth clamps on her nipple while you…slide the stiletto blade into her chest.

You woke alone in your bed, sweat soaking your body and the sheets beneath you, your breathing harsh and ragged. Your pulse pounded wildly in your head, matching the staccato rhythm of your heart. Panic clawed its way up from your gut as you looked wildly around the room for Aeryn and fought down the urge to scream her name.

Bad dream? Vision? No. Last night. Oh, god.

You had been playing all day. Teased each other with long looks, faint touches, and whispered words. You wanted her so badly you could barely restrain yourself. Slipped once and grabbed her hard, pushing her up against a bulkhead and kissing her breathless until Evan had come running down the corridor on his way to show mom the new toy D’Argo had made for him. You’d thanked god that your son didn’t know what the bulge in your leathers was from.

And finally, after meals, discussions, arguments, story and nap time, routine maintenance, bath and bed time, you had her in your bed.

The need and desire were there, and the familiar pull of lust coursed through your veins. You desperately wanted to make love to her, feel her underneath and on top of you, her hands grasping your shoulders as her long legs wrapped around you, bodies moving as one as lips and hands communicated your love.

You wanted her as much, if not more than ever. Wanted to show her how much you loved her.

The foreplay was feral, the electricity dancing along and between the bodies in the bed. Hands and tongues, fingers and lips were everywhere, straining to touch every bit of skin they could reach. And then…

…you’d freaked. Again.

You’d rolled off her to lay on your side, too distressed to let her see your face. But Aeryn had gently tugged on your shoulder, silently urging you to roll onto your back so that she could rest her head on your shoulder and drape her arm over your midsection.

Not saying a word, she had simply waited, and then had begun alternately rubbing your stomach and chest. After a while, your hand had begun running slowly up and down her back. Neither of you had spoken a word and you had finally fallen asleep that way.

This is so unfair to her. You have to tell her.

******************************

The sound of laughter from the adjoining cell caught his attention. Smiling, John stood and walked over to the doorway connecting his and Aeryn’s quarters to the cell that acted as their family room. His smile got bigger, the tightness in his chest began to ease, and his heart swelled as he took in a sight that he’d feared he might never see again.

Aeryn and Evan, sitting on the floor, Aeryn propped against the lounger, Evan between her legs, his hands keeping time on her knees, his head bobbing with the beat as they watched the video. John laughed quietly as he heard the refrain his wife and son loved.

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

The chorus made mother and son both dissolve into fits of giggles. The sound of his wife giggling with his son was enough to ease the last of the tightness in John’s chest and even out his breathing, and this time his laughter was loud enough to catch their attention. Two dark haired heads turned at the sound and Evan jumped up to run over to him.

“Da!” Evan yelped, leaping up and launching himself at him.

John scooped his son out of the air and swung Evan high above his head before bringing the boy back down to settle on his hip.

“Hey, little man. Whatcha doing?”

“Watching Bert and Ernie.”

“How’d you sleep?”

“Good.”

“You hungry?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you go get your clothes? We’ll get you dressed and go get something to eat. Ok?”

“Ok.”

John put his son down and sent him on his way with a smack to his bottom. He walked over to Aeryn, still sitting on the floor, and offered her his hand. Taking it, she let him help her up and into his arms, looking into his eyes as her arms went around his neck.

“And how did you sleep?”

“Good morning to you too,” he smirked, before kissing her.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Aeryn said, breaking the kiss.

“Better, with you there,” he answered truthfully, pulling her closer.

“Are you going to tell me?” Aeryn sighed, putting her head on his shoulder.

“Later,” he promised quietly, laying his cheek against her hair. ”I love you.”

“I know,” she sighed again, and he could feel her smile against his chest. “I love you too.”

“Look!” The small voice floated over to them. They turned their heads as one.

“I dressed myself!”

John looked at Aeryn and they both restrained the impulse to burst out laughing.

“And you did a very good job of it, too,” she said.

“Yeah, you sure did,” John echoed. “Stylin, dude.” Aeryn just rolled her eyes at him.

John walked over and picked up his son, swinging him up and around to settle on his shoulders.

“Let’s go eat.”

******************************

His eyes had tracked her all day. Wherever she was, he hadn’t let her out of his sight. And they’d followed her with a hunger that had nothing to do with eating as she moved around the Center Chamber, getting First, Midday, and Last Meal for their son.

His eyes had traced every inch of her as they’d worked in the maintenance bay, and she’d known that when she'd bent to retrieve a tool. He’d devoured every curve of her breast and butt as she’d stretched out in front of him. A predatory mix of longing and need burned in his gut and his groin, making him feel feral.

He knew Aeryn could tell what he needed and wanted when she came to stand next to him. Knew that he was hard and needful, and wanted her as much as ever. And both of them knew that if Evan had not been there, he would have pushed her up against the nearest stable surface and started making love to her.

But he also knew that starting was not the problem. It was what happened after they began. He hadn’t been able to make love to her in over a monen. The desire for her raged within, she knew that, but she also knew that there was something terribly wrong. Something John hadn’t been able to tell her yet.

And if John’s eyes never left her, neither was he ever far from her side, constantly reaching out to touch and stroke and feel her. Even in sleep he clutched her desperately to him, calling out to her from his dreams.

And when they did start, slowly building the desire, soothing, caressing, exciting, feeling, touching, exploring, connecting with hands and lips and tongues and bodies, sucking, tonguing, nipping, biting, he would suddenly stop, eyes wild and limbs trembling not from desire but from terror and some other demon she could not yet identify.

John knew that it frightened her. And he knew her well enough that he could tell when she made her decision. That they would face this fear with strength. Together. That no matter how bad it was, it was time he talked. Because he needed to. He knew she would make sure he did.

******************************

John was wrestling with Evan on the floor of his quarters when Aeryn came to get her son for bath time. She’d stood in the door watching the two of them rolling around for a moment, before clearing her throat to announce her presence. They rolled to a stop and looked at her.

“Bath time,” she said, smiling at her husband and son.

“Ok, little man, off you go,” John said, sitting up and grabbing the boy’s waist. He dropped a kiss on Evan’s forehead before setting him on his feet.

“Get undressed and I’ll be there in a minute,” Aeryn called as the boy sped off to his room. She walked over to John and reached out a hand. He grabbed hold and leveraged himself up, pulling her into his arms for a quick kiss.

She pulled him more tightly to her, opened her mouth slightly and ran her tongue around his lips. He responded immediately by deepening the kiss and she could feel him growing harder against her. She broke away after a moment to see his eyes glazed slightly.

“I’ll be back when he’s in bed,” she said, kissing him gently again.

As she trailed her lips along his jaw line, John nuzzled against her cheek. Her lips came to rest against shell of his ear. The soft sound of her voice, the warmth of her breath, and the quick flick of her tongue sent shivers down his spine and was rewarded with the involuntary thrust of his hips against hers as he sucked his breath in.

She smiled at him as she pulled away gently and went to get their son ready for bed.

******************************

John stood with his hands braced against the wall as the hot water cascaded onto his neck and shoulders, trying to dissipate the tension there. He felt the cool rush of air over his skin as he turned to meet his wife.

John stared at her, mesmerized as he admired the naked vision standing in front of him. The exquisite lines of her body, the pale perfection of her skin. Fingertips reached out to trace the perfect plane of her cheek before plunging in to play in the waterfall of ebony hair spilling onto her shoulders.

Her eyes told him she knew exactly what he was thinking as he reached back to adjust the water temperature to accommodate her. Cupping her head, he urged her forward as his other hand snaked its way around to gently pull her into his arms.

“Hey, baby,” he teased quietly, running his hands up and down her back. “Come to give me a bath too?”

“The thought had crossed my mind,” she replied. Smiling and taking the soap from its holder, she began to lather his shoulders.

“We need to talk.”

“Ah, babe, not now,” he said softly, closing his eyes.

“Yes, now,” she countered in a tone that left him no room for argument. She softened the demand by spreading the lather lower, her hands sliding sensuously on his chest. “Bad?”

“Very,” he sighed, leaning forward to nuzzle nose to nose. She reached her hands up to cup his face, running her fingertips gently over his eyebrows, cheeks, and lips.

“Tell me,” she whispered, her lips gently caressing his. Her hands roamed lower onto his abdomen and he moaned slightly, his body drinking in her touch.

God, you loved her hands, the way she touched you. Made you want more.

“I really messed up.” John’s hands came up to cup her face, thumbs stroking softly over her cheekbones as his eyes gazed deeply into hers.

“How?” She could feel the heat radiating off him even as he pulled slightly away from her at the question.

Your child, your baby, is lying in a pool of blood, his tiny body ripped open by a stray pulse blast. You drop to your knees and try to find a pulse, a breath, anything that would indicate your child is still alive. You try CPR to resuscitate him, but nothing worked. Your baby is dead.

“Evan died,” he whispered, flinching as she paled visibly before his eyes. He felt her whole body tense and heard her breathing hitch.

You hold your breath and she barely gasps as you slide the stiletto blade into her chest. Your tears finally flow freely as you hold her, feeling the life and breath ebbing out of her body, burning that feeling into your sense memory.

“So did you,” he choked out, backing away from her, guilt ridden and full of shame. “Over and over.” He could feel a fine trembling start in his limbs that had nothing to do with her standing naked and next to him.

“How?” Aeryn repeated, caging her concern for him and swallowing her fear. They were for another time. Sliding her arms around his waist, she pulled him to her. John groaned as he felt her breasts pushing up against his chest.

“Sometimes Scarrans. Sometimes…other ways.” He began shaking violently in spite of the heat in the shower.

He could see that she wondered briefly what other ways there might have been as she let her soapy hands roam the planes of his body, and he could tell when she decided that she’d let him tell her in his own time.

She leaned in to nuzzle her nose to his and trailed a line of soft kisses down his jaw line before gently painting his lips with her tongue. He felt the jolt of electricity shoot straight to his groin and his whole body shivered against hers.

“But it’s all right now,” she soothed, breathing softly against him as she began to run her soapy hands in slow circles up his back. “Evan’s fine,” she whispered, feeling the worst of his shaking slack. “I’m here. You’re here,” she reassured him gently as his fingertips began stroking up and down her spine, causing her to shiver slightly. “And we’re taking a shower.”

“I went to Einstein,” he confessed, stepping back from her, taking her shoulders and turning her around.

He slid his hand down her arm to take the soap from her and put it back in the holder. Snaking his arms around her again, he backed her up as she closed her eyes. His hands came up to stroke her hair as the water washed over them both.

Baptism. Benediction. Blessing. Wash away your sins.

John pulled her back with him again and reached for her shampoo as she brushed water from her face. Then his hands were threaded in her hair again, pulling her face to his, gently kissing her forehead, eyes, nose, lips as he melded his body to hers.

“And?” Aeryn sighed as his hands came up to cup her head and began to gently lather her hair, fingers gently massaging her scalp before working their way down its length.

“We talked. We fixed it.” he said, turning her again to rinse her hair. Pulling her back to him, he kissed her again softly.

That’s it. The worst of it was over. She’d heard the worst. You got the words out, and she was still here in the shower with you.

And suddenly the fear and the guilt and the shame fell away from him and he could breathe again. Could breathe deeply and freely and take in the scent of her hair as he clutched her tightly to him and deepened their kiss. Her lips parted to take in his thrusting tongue as she trailed her fingertips up his back and neck to stroke his scalp.

Groaning against her lips, he broke the kiss and turned her to face the wall, sliding his hands up her arms to put her hands against it. Pressing close behind her, he could feel the blood rushing to his groin. He was hard and hot and heavy as he leveraged her forward with his weight on her back. His hips thrust and his cock slid sensuously along the crack of her ass.

His hand came up to gather her hair, twisting it gently around his fingers, pulling it to the side, gently tugging her head along with it to expose her neck. He sank his teeth into her shoulder in an almost bite and nipped his way up her neck to her jaw line. She turned her head to meet his lips as he reached around and down to bury a finger in her folds.

Her hips thrust violently back against him, up and down, again and again, making him gasp as he ground hard against her, fingers digging deep as he raked them along the ridge of her spine. She moaned softly as he slid another finger into her, gently massaging her internally as he bucked hard against her, erect and aching for her.

She straightened suddenly and he stepped back, giving her room to turn and face him. Hunger and desire and want burned hot in her eyes and as he looked at her a small smile tugs at his lips. He knew what she wanted to do for him, give to him. The thought alone made his cock, already hard, hot, and heavy jerk in anticipation.

She reached out, running her hands up his chest to settle at his shoulders. With a feral gleam in her eyes she spun them both around, pushing him back against the wall. She leaned in for a hard, demanding, wet kiss. Lips locked, tongues twisted, bodies fused until she broke the kiss to trail her lips along his neck and onto his chest. Moving slowly, she stopped to tongue a nipple, wrapping her lips around it as it hardened.

“Oh, god, baby,” he groaned long and low as her lips moved to wrap around the other and her fingers trailed lightly up and down his sides.

She dropped to her knees in front of him as her lips and tongue continued their journey, kissing and licking their way down the center of his body. His hands alternately fisted in her hair and unclenched to stroke her scalp, trace her ear, or guide her. He was torn in his desire, so hot and hard he wanted her to hurry, wanted her to take him in her mouth and make him explode. He also wanted her to never stop this exquisite torture.

“You’re killing me here,” he gasped as his hands wrapped around her head, guiding her.

She knew how much he loved this. So she took her time, kissing, caressing, licking her way down his body, until she could run the tip of her tongue up along his hardened shaft, making him slap the wall before sliding it around the tip of his cock.

Her hand closed around him as she flicked her tongue back and forth across the slit. He slapped the wall again as her lips closed around the head, warm, wet mouth creating exquisite suction. His hips thrust involuntarily as his hand again fisted in her hair.

“Fuck,” he growled, low and deep, stringing the syllable out.

She smiled around his cock as she slid her lips down toward the base. Her hand meanwhile had moved to cup his balls briefly before pulling down on them gently, the other reaching to caress the spot behind them, the tip of her finger in his ass. The sensations in his groin intensified and his head swam from the pleasure building there.

“Now, baby, now,” he begged between deep, ragged breaths, voice harsh and guttural, the pleasure almost too much as his senses verged on overload.

He moaned deep in the back of his throat as her tongue slid up his length before taking him again deeply into her mouth. Liquid and soft, teasing and stroking, deliberate and slow, working him as her finger slid deeper and pressed, making him strain.

Fire filled his veins, flooding his senses as he rocked up on his toes, back arched, hips thrust forward. Muscles tensed, his balls tightened, his cock jerked spasmodically and he exploded, seeing stars behind his closed eyes.

Before the echoes of ejaculation had even faded from his body, his hands fisted in her hair and tugged her to her feet. Crushing her to him hungrily, his lips locked on hers in a bruising kiss. And as he roughly pushed her up against a wall, she responded with a ferocity he’d come to crave.

Teeth clicked as tongues intertwined, slipping and sliding in an intricate dance. Mouths opened and closed, lips teasing, nipping, sucking as hands roamed wildly over each other’s body. He felt the heat radiating off them both even as the water washed over their bodies.

She groaned against his lips as he slid his hand down her body and buried a long finger in her. Her hips arched forward to meet his invasion.

“This time’s for you, baby,” he said softly, wanting to feel her body humming and singing, lit from within beneath his lips, his tongue, his touch.

“Bed,” she whispered urgently, kissing him demandingly.

He reached out to palm the shower control off without breaking the kiss. Bodies still fused, he backed them out of the stall and reached blindly for a towel. Finding one, he wrapped it around her and began rubbing his hands slowly up and down her back. When he finished, he broke the kiss and stepped back, allowing her to grab another towel.

They slowly, softly let their hands and lips wander over familiar curves and valleys, caressing each other until they were dry. Tossing the towels into the corner of the room, he reached in to kiss her again as he swept her up in his arms and walked toward their bed.

He laid her down and slipped quickly in beside her. Stretching out against each other, legs intertwined and hands stroking sensuously, his lips found hers and began gently caressing them, tongue flicking out and probing, seeking access. She opened to him and his tongue began a thorough exploration of her welcoming mouth.

As the kissing became more feral and the touches more demanding, he slid his hand down her side, stopping to glide over her soft breast, trailing his fingertips over the erect nipple before breaking the kiss, bringing his lips to gently nip at the hardened nub, tonguing it to even greater erection before clamping down wetly and…

…sliding the stiletto blade into her chest.

He felt the ice spread through his veins and settle in his gut, deflating him instantly as a tidal wave of grief and guilt came crashing over him. Choking back the bile rising in his throat, he tried to push away from Aeryn. She was quicker than he was though, reaching out and wrapping her arms around him, effectively halting his flight.

“Shhhh,” she whispered against his ear, her nose and lips nuzzling his. “It’s all right. You’re here with me and everything is fine,” she murmured softly. “It’s only you and me.” Her hands gently stroked up and down his back, soothing him and easing him back from the edge of his panic.

He clutched her tightly and buried his face in her hair, taking in her scent and the feel of her against him and under his hands.

Her living body.

He almost cried with the palpable relief he felt at having her in his arms. Felt so damned blessed.

You lucky bastard.

And then he was kissing her again, deeply and intensely, leveraging his body over hers, resting his weight on his elbows and cupping her face so that he could meld his lips to hers.

She let her fingertips glide down his spine and over his ass, then reversed direction to stroke up the same way, creating ripples of pleasure that radiated through his groin. He canted his hips down, pressing her into the bed as he broke the kiss to smile at her.

“I love you,” he whispered, marveling again at how he has never felt this sense of intimacy, this sense of connection with anyone but her.

“I know,” she smiled.

“I want you.”

“I know that too,” she smiled again, stroking his face and tracing his lips with her finger. He captured it in his mouth and sucked, eliciting a gasp from her as she closed her eyes.

Letting go of her finger he lowered himself to nip at her neck, sucking gently where it joined her shoulder before kissing his way down to her chest. Grazing his lips along the softness of her breast, his tongue wandered lazily to trace circles around one translucent areole, flicking over the taut nipple before his mouth clamped down wetly, sucking hard.

She arched against him with a gasp as his hand comes up to roll her other nipple between thumb and forefinger. He trailed his tongue from one breast to the other, tonguing and nipping and sucking as she ran her fingers through his hair and grabbed at his shoulder, her breath coming in short staccato bursts as she writhed beneath him.

He left her breast to continue his downward journey, sliding down her body as she spread her legs to make room for him, his lips and tongue forging a wet circuitous path toward that place he most wanted to be. His hands circled her waist as he kissed his way across her lower abdomen. She lifted her hips at his touch and he dipped lower to drag his tongue up first one than the other inner thigh.

“God, baby, you’re beautiful,” he breathed, voice low and rough, as he slid his hands under her ass to raise her to him. He loved to see her like this. Knew what she liked and what he wanted to do.

Her moan as his tongue laid her open with long, sweeping strokes sent a rush of pleasure pulsing through him, and he could feel his body respond, blood again rushing to his groin, cock again more than half hard. She slapped at the sheets as he played with her, alternately lapping at her and flicking his tongue over the excited bundle of nerves that caused her to thrust upward against his mouth seeking release.

Smiling, he pulled back slightly and reached to place his hands on either side of her. Sliding his body up the length of her, his tip came to rest against her, burrowing at her entrance. He slowly flexed his spine and dipped his head to kiss her. Shifting his weight slightly to one side, he brought his free hand up to gently caress her face, using two fingers to softly trace the outline of her lips. They open and she captured them, sucking them gently into her warm, wet mouth.

Gazing deeply into her eyes, he pulled his fingers slowly free and began trailing them down her torso as he worked his way back down her body. Nudging her legs further apart to make room for himself, he sucked briefly on two fingers before slipping them into her, burying them deep, hand cupping her as he pressed forward, stroking her internal walls. She bucked and moaned as he continued to gently massage her, feeling her inner muscles contracting around his fingers. Her breathing was harsh and ragged and he felt his cock harden in response.

She opened her legs wider still and planted her feet on the bed, thrusting up to meet him. He grabbed a pillow to shove under her lower back and took a look at the vision displayed before him. He loved to watch her open to him, reveled in the knowledge that he could do this to her, never failed to be amazed at his own body’s response to hers.

He dipped his head and replaced his fingers with his mouth, running his tongue in long sweeping strokes from slit to clit. She bucked again wildly and rocked hard against his mouth as his hands cupped her ass, pressing her more securely to him as her orgasm washed over her in wave after wave, until, with a final moan, she fell flat against the bed, swinging her leg over his head, and rolling to curl on her side.

He followed, sliding up her body, nipping along the way. Her spasms quieted as he spooned around her, fitting himself to her, arm draped across her waist pulling her tightly to him.

“I love doing that to you,” he whispered, fingers gently tracing circles on her abdomen.

“I never would have guessed,” she laughed softly, turning in his arms to fit herself closely and kiss him senseless. He wrapped his arms around her and rolled to his back, pulling her onto him. She straddled him, knees at his waist, hands at his head, breasts teasing his chest. He only broke the kiss to breathe.

“I love touching you,” he breathed, voice husky and urgent. “I love the way you feel.”

She leaned down to kiss him again as he ran his hands over her satin skin, everywhere he could reach as her hair, dark as night, spilled around him. His tongue once again mapped the warm, wet interior of her mouth as her hips pressed against his, trapping his erection and coating it with her fluids as she slid against his length, massaging him. His body trembled with the sensations she was creating.

“More,” he gasped into her mouth, arching into her.

She flexed her spine, lifting her chest to let him take one breast than the other in his mouth while trapping his slick, engorged cock between them. Raising her hips, her eyes locked on his as she slid slowly down his length until he was seated deeply within her.

His hands go to her waist as she slowly leaned back, placing her hands on his thighs as she slid up and down, working him with slow steady strokes, giving him such a ride. Electricity arced between them and the scent, taste, and feel of her caused a symphony of sensations to course through him, threatening his control.

His hands slid around her waist and he jerked into a sitting position, settling her securely between his legs, helping her to wrap hers around his waist. It felt so good, having her in his arms, doing this with her. She was a gift he wanted to savor. He marveled again at the rightness of it. No one had ever touched him like this before.

“I wanna see you,” he whispered, as she brought her hand up to cup his face. She kissed him tenderly, fingertips touching his cheeks, tracing his eyebrows, and then wrapped her arms around his neck. Eyes locked, he pressed her close, arms around her waist, his cheek grazing hers, her breath, soft and warm against his ear. He knows that he has never loved her more than he does right now.

“Baby,” she breathed in his ear, and he nearly comes. Comes undone.

He wants them to do this together and so he begins the dance again. Face to face, moving in unison, they could feel and touch, explore and connect, caress and excite. Seated deep within her he could feel her stretch to accommodate his length and he hugged her tightly to him, feeling the brush of her erect nipples against his chest.

His heart pounded and his breathing was harsh and ragged as he pressed hard and drove deep, shaking with the need for release. Tongues intertwined, sweat slicked bodies mated, he slid a hand down to push her forward and she opened even more, letting him into her core, meeting his strokes.

Legs and arms wrapped tightly around each other, his hands began running up and down her spine, fingers twisting in her hair to tug gently, forcing her head back to kiss her throat and neck before pulling back. She’s looking at his face and he could feel her responses feeding off his. He wanted to push her over the edge, follow her in freefall.

His lips found a nipple, then licked across her chest to find the other. Everything working and every nerve ending lit, he's frantic rhythm and motion as he pumped and she clenched internal muscles around him. He’s so close and he wants her to come all the way with him.

“Now, baby, now,” he gasped.

“Yes, John, yes,” she breathed with a shuddering gasp.

Her pelvis rocked and she grabbed him hard as he stroked, eyes blazing. One hand cupped her head as he kissed her deeply and thoroughly, the other pressed her tightly against his thrusting cock. She tensed again and again as he pumped and then it was…overload…too much to feel, shock waves pulsing, transmitted from him to her and then back again in one continuous arc.

Hips jerking, rocking together, panting open-mouthed he felt the spasmodic clenching of her internal muscles and her low moans against his shoulder signaled her release, dragging him over into his own wild explosion, riding out the wave together, bodies jerking and trembling.

Collapsing against each other, he buried his face in her neck. It took a minute for his breathing to even out, and then he reached to help her ease her legs from around him. Falling back onto the bed, he pulled her onto him. His other hand reached for the cover as she settled comfortably over him, sliding her thigh between his legs.

“Are you all right?”

“More than all right,” he answered, feeling the truth of that and his love for her deep in his bones. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she murmured. “But you still have to get up with Evan tomorrow.”