My Conditions

Just a quick little warning on this one. This entire rant is going to be an exercise in self-indulgent megalomania. If that sort of thing offends you, skip it... or better yet, learn to appreciate tongue-in-cheek humor. That said though, you can totally hold me to any of these if it ever comes up I'm sure.

My Conditions Before Accepting an Offer for my own TV Show

1. I have full control over the script-writing process. I can deal with standards and practices, but I demand full control over who's doing my writing, and final script approval.
2. Every episode must be aired in the order it was written.
3. If the time slot of the show changes, several warnings must be given, starting two weeks in advance, during commercial breaks in the show.
4. When you decide to cancel my show, I demand to be informed far enough in advance to write and produce 10 more episodes, in order to give the series a satisfying conclusion. I don't demand that these episodes be aired, but if they are not, I do demand the rights to distribute them on my own through other channels.
5. On a similar note, once the series is over, it's over. If I write a final episode, due to cancellation, or simply feeling that the show has reached a resolution, no more episodes of the show are going to be created. I can do another, but no beating the dead horse.
6. This is more a warning than a condition- The show will NOT be a sitcom.

My Conditions for Hosting Saturday Night Live

1. Full script approval for all sketches in the episode, whether I'm in them or not. I don't plan to be a pain about it, I just want to make sure nothing truly awful makes the cut.
2. No recurring sketches. With rare exception (Celebrity Jeopardy comes to mind), all recurring sketches you have ever aired are absolutely without merit.
3. The musical guest must be someone I like. The least obscure options there are most likely Weird Al and They Might Be Giants. Most other possibilities are from other countries, or haven't done much since the 1980s.

My Conditions for Making a Public Appearance

1. With rare exception, I can't afford to go too far out of my way, so if you'd like me to attend your convention/book signing/in-store promotion, you will most likely need to reimburse my travel costs. On the upside, I'm a total cheapskate, often spending only $25 over the course of a weekend.

There you are. Reasonable all around I'd think. I'm surprised everyone doesn't insist on these.