All due appologies to those affiliated with Dungeons & Dragons.

OK, a while back I was roped into DMing for a group of D&D addicts. While oddly enough, nobody from that group is still in the campaign, I'm still doing so. Anyway, at the moment everyone is searching for the pet rocks of the gods for reasons they don't quite remember. Each one has a thematic weird curse that affects an area. Alignment change, instant death, polymorphed into a blind beholder, you get the idea. So anyway, last session, they found the one for the god of life, which makes everything in the area grow extra fast and regenerate. Here's the log of what followed the gaming. Treat it as a cautionary tale about letting an engaged couple play characters that reflect the fact. My only consolation is they keep the lovey-dovey stuff off-camera.

[01:10] <Korinna_Koryvale> Goog... What would the effects of having sex next to a lifestone be?
[01:10] * Korinna_Koryvale makes Goog's mind goes where it doesn't want to...
[01:11] <Googleshng> presumably you'd be stuck with a bratty little kid until something ate it.
[01:11] <Korinna_Koryvale> "until something ate it"
[01:11] <Googleshng> yeah
[01:12] <Googleshng> like a dragon, or unusually large badger
[01:12] <Googleshng> although I suppose the odds of that happening would be rather low
[01:12] <Googleshng> in any case
[01:13] <Googleshng> this line of thought reminds me I need to have my cousin bring my Zim tape back when she comes to visit
[01:13] <Korinna_Koryvale> Hmmm...
[01:14] <Googleshng> and I realize the following is about as off-color as actions get, but I assure you it's purely coincidental.
[01:14] *** Googleshng is now known as naochos
[01:14] <Korinna_Koryvale> Shall Heldon and Korinna have a half-tiefling brat, love?
[01:17] <Korinna_Koryvale> How fast aging are we talking?
[01:21] <naochos> good question
[01:24] <Korinna_Koryvale> Are we talking kid-able-to-tag-along-on-adventure-and-maybe-be-a-decently-ok-NPC-in-the-not-getting-killed-way or bratty-useless-kid-whine-whine-cry-cry?
[01:25] <naochos> that'd depend entirely on timing really
[01:26] <Korinna_Koryvale> Like if they got it on immediately after getting on ship it'd possibly be the former, but if they WAITED, it'd possibly be the latter?
[01:27] <naochos> OK, let's say things grow/mature 10x with happy rock
[01:27] <naochos> how long you're sitting around with said rock is a rather major factor.
[01:28] <Heldon_Koryvale> 4-week pregnancy, 5-week year of growth.
[01:28] <Korinna_Koryvale> Well, if it were 10x, they'd have to be near yon rock for a whole year for a kid to be decently competent in the not getting killed department.
[01:30] <Korinna_Koryvale> Would tend not to work too well, hm...?
[01:33] <Heldon_Koryvale> Let's look at this evidentially.
[01:33] <Heldon_Koryvale> Fingernails grow at 3mm per month.
[01:34] <Heldon_Koryvale> x10, 30mm per month, or 1mm per day.
[01:34] <Korinna_Koryvale> There goes AJ with the math...
[01:34] * Korinna_Koryvale laughs
[01:35] <Heldon_Koryvale> Which is barely noticeable.
[01:35] <Korinna_Koryvale> So basically what we're saying is "we want a reasonably mature and self-sufficient kid NPC following us around and are willing to break out the math to prove that it's viable"
[01:35] *** naochos is now known as Googleshng
[01:35] <Korinna_Koryvale> Is that basically it, love?
[01:36] <Googleshng> heh
[01:36] <Googleshng> work out the math and I'll stick by it
[01:36] <Heldon_Koryvale> Ok. How long do their fingernails get in one hour?
[01:36] <Korinna_Koryvale> Whatever happens, Korinna's going to keep her hair pretty darned long and tie it back.
[01:36] <Googleshng> but if you have a hyperaging kid you still have to factor in potty training and learning to talk and whatnot
[01:37] <Heldon_Koryvale> True, but doable.
[01:37] <Googleshng> so again
[01:37] <Googleshng> work out the math and I'll stick by it
[01:37] <Googleshng> and we'll say visible fingernail growth over 5 minutes
[01:38] <Heldon_Koryvale> Let visible growth = 3mm.
[01:39] <Heldon_Koryvale> 5 minutes=1 month.
[01:39] <Heldon_Koryvale> Pregnancy = 3 quarters of an hour.
[01:40] <Heldon_Koryvale> 1 year growth = 1 hour.
[01:40] <Heldon_Koryvale> Full maturity, conception to full adulthood, 1 day.
[01:41] <Heldon_Koryvale> Alternately,
[01:41] <Heldon_Koryvale> Visible growth = 2 mm.
[01:42] <Heldon_Koryvale> 5 minutes = 20 days.
[01:43] <Heldon_Koryvale> Pregnancy = 1 hour 10 minutes.
[01:45] <Heldon_Koryvale> 1 year growth = 1 hour 30 minutes.
[01:46] <Korinna_Koryvale> So having adult offspring is very evedentially possible...
[01:46] <Korinna_Koryvale> though the kid'd be seriously fscked up having never had a childhood.
[01:46] <Heldon_Koryvale> Full maturity, 1 and a third days.
[01:47] <Heldon_Koryvale> Or if visible growth = 1 mm
[01:47] <Heldon_Koryvale> 5 minutes = 10 days
[01:48] <Heldon_Koryvale> pregnancy = 2 hours 20 minutes.
[01:49] <Heldon_Koryvale> 1 year growth = 3 hours
[01:49] <Heldon_Koryvale> Full maturity just under 3 days.
[01:49] <Korinna_Koryvale> In any event, you still end up with a seriously screwed up individual
[01:50] <Heldon_Koryvale> Unless some forms of growth happen faster than others.
[01:50] <Heldon_Koryvale> Toenails, for example.
[01:50] * Korinna_Koryvale just TRIES to imagine the neuroses that go along with growing up in 3 days
[01:50] <Heldon_Koryvale> No mention made of podiatral discomfort.
[01:51] <Heldon_Koryvale> If all things != growing at same rate, then it's straightforward GM's call.
[01:51] <Korinna_Koryvale> So essentially "we want a fully grown kid with full reasoning faculties and intelligence and ability to interact normally etc."
[01:52] <Heldon_Koryvale> Not necessarily.
[01:52] <Korinna_Koryvale> It's like "Instant person, just add water"
[01:52] <Heldon_Koryvale> A quick learner, definitely.
[01:52] <Googleshng> just add water and basically have your stomach explode
[01:53] <Heldon_Koryvale> The body is designed to grow. Acceleration seems to work for the plants and animals...
[01:53] <Googleshng> anyway though
[01:54] <Korinna_Koryvale> What it comes down to is Heldon and Korinna are newlyweds sleeping together on a ship that carries a lifestone.
[01:54] <Korinna_Koryvale> All this may SEEM academic, but...
[01:55] <Heldon_Koryvale> Logical consequences.
[01:55] <Googleshng> 3 day kid works fine, but the resulting kid starts knowing squat and probably has a decent number of serious mental issues
[01:55] <Heldon_Koryvale> Doesn't necessarily have to be 3 days, GM call based on complexity of necessary growth.
[01:56] <Heldon_Koryvale> But yes.
[01:56] <Korinna_Koryvale> Korinna'd do her best to infuse the kid with her knowledge as it grew...
[01:56] <Googleshng> gets slightly academic when you're going to be on a boat about a week before getting to next town
[01:56] <Korinna_Koryvale> Speech and toilet training etc would probably be achieved fairly readily.
[01:57] <Korinna_Koryvale> More intricate knowledge would take a lot of time, of course.
[01:57] <Heldon_Koryvale> Depends at what point on the voyage conception occurs.
[01:58] <Heldon_Koryvale> 1 day out from that port, and you have, using a 1mm=visible model, an 8-12 year old when you get out of the stone's influence.
[01:58] <Googleshng> you'd have at least a couple months of no talky, start with no skills,and better darn well start with some barbarian levels if you wanna make a real NPC
[01:59] <Korinna_Koryvale> Probably fairly early on, knowing Held and Kor... They tend to go at it like rabbits...
[01:59] <Korinna_Koryvale> We could make it much easier and have conception occur IMMEDIATELY before getting into port... so they had a very young kid not too behind.
[01:59] <Googleshng> DON'T mention rabbits when I'm looking at Monsterous Manuel
[02:00] <Korinna_Koryvale> Monstrous Manuel?
[02:00] <Korinna_Koryvale> Oh no! It's Manuel. And he's Monsterous!
[02:00] <Googleshng> you'd need some serious levels before I start making you fight dragons polymorphed into dragons
[02:00] <Googleshng> and exactly
[02:00] <Heldon_Koryvale> A visible growth = 1/2 mm equation gives us 5 minutes=5 days, pregnancy = 4 hours 40 minutes, 1 year growth = 6 hours, full maturity in a week.
[02:00] <Googleshng> I've been referring to Monsterous Manuel for years, you only just noticed?
[02:01] <Korinna_Koryvale> Yes?
[02:01] <Googleshng> anyway
[02:01] <Elmer> Hey, now that I upgraded mIRC lets see if DCC works
[02:01] <Googleshng> you have a week to do all that fun math and planning
[02:02] <Heldon_Koryvale> Math's all there, for 4 given solutions of 'visible growth.
[02:02] <Heldon_Koryvale> '
[02:02] <Googleshng> right
[02:02] <Elmer> Damn, DCC still doesn't work
[02:02] <Googleshng> and feel free to go with whichever you want since from where I sit it's rather moot
[02:03] <Googleshng> unless you aren't taking the life rock with you to find the death one.
[02:03] <Elmer> That was what I was thinking we should do
[02:03] <Elmer> Cancel each other out
[02:03] <Heldon_Koryvale> Yes.
[02:04] <Elmer> Updated sheet up, check for mistakey-wakeys: [LINK CENSORED FOR OBVIOUS REASONS]
[02:04] <Heldon_Koryvale> How does the liferock affect human fertility?
[02:04] <Korinna_Koryvale> Could Held and Korin wait a full two weeks without getting it on?
[02:04] <Googleshng> you tell me on that one
[02:05] <Elmer> The grow old but not towards death raises a paradox
[02:05] <Heldon_Koryvale> Lessee... fertility...
[02:05] <Elmer> The fetus might be held in limbo since it's constantly growing, but not towards death
[02:05] <Googleshng> how's that?
[02:06] <Elmer> Well you grow, but not old
[02:06] <Googleshng> growth and aging are two entirely different processes.
[02:06] <Elmer> So you wouldn't go through any new development stages
[02:06] <Googleshng> sure you would
[02:06] <Elmer> That would be "growing old"
[02:06] <Googleshng> no, that would be maturing
[02:06] <Elmer> Last time I checked, when you matured, you grew older
[02:06] <Googleshng> growing old is getting all wrinkled and grey and whatnot
[02:07] <Googleshng> under normal conditions yeah
[02:07] <Googleshng> but they don't mean the same thing
[02:07] <Korinna_Koryvale> This is reaching maturation without the unpleasant side effects of aging.
[02:07] <Korinna_Koryvale> Essentially]
[02:07] <Googleshng> and if you give me a bit, I can probably find an archive of pictures of freaky nospheratu babies.
[02:08] <Elmer> So the stone causes people to develop until before they are about to get wrinkly?
[02:08] <Googleshng> roughly yes
[02:09] <Elmer> Powerful stone
[02:09] <Elmer> The heart of that jungle could be as old as the beginning of the planet
[02:10] <Googleshng> http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=progeria <- educational and creepy!
[02:10] <Elmer> And one could sue it to become immortal. Surely theres some loophole that causes the things around it to do?
[02:10] <Elmer> die instead of do
[02:11] <Korinna_Koryvale> Would it reverse wrinkly?
[02:11] <Googleshng> nah, just wouldn't speed it up
[02:12] * Googleshng applies too much science to magic powers...
[02:12] <Elmer> So is there a way for something to naturally die when around the stone?
[02:13] <Googleshng> yeah
[02:14] <Googleshng> hyper aging up to adulthood and then normal from there on, except the whole real quick healing bit
[02:15] <Korinna_Koryvale> So if you killed someone fast enough it'd be dead.
[02:15] <Googleshng> that too
[02:15] <Korinna_Koryvale> Or if you did what Kor mentioned and aim to sever rather than cut...
[02:15] * Googleshng was figuring regen 5 HP/round but that's neither here nor there
[02:15] <Korinna_Koryvale> and cauterize wounds.
[02:16] <Heldon_Koryvale> 1 day = 1 minute, so 4 minutes every half-hour would be a fertile period.
[02:16] * Googleshng hopes someone is logging this
[02:16] <Korinna_Koryvale> Sounds like there'd be danged little way of them not conceiving when getting it on, right?
[02:16] <Googleshng> all conversations this nerdy should be preserved.
[02:16] <Korinna_Koryvale> I'm not logging
[02:16] <Elmer> So once you are fully matured you go on aging normally around the rock?
[02:17] *** Signoff: Korinna_Koryvale (Ping timeout)
[02:17] *** Signon: Korinna_Koryvale
[02:17] <Googleshng> yeah
[02:17] <Korinna_Koryvale> Ok, so maybe I am. What did I miss?
[02:17] <Heldon_Koryvale> But with the air filled with pollen, the human equivalent, accelerated growth, no decay, would be... Interesting.
[02:17] <Googleshng> "yeah"
[02:17] <Elmer> <Googleshng> yeah
[02:18] <Heldon_Koryvale> Vast quantities, staying potent almost indefinitely.
[02:18] <Heldon_Koryvale> Hmm...
[02:18] <Heldon_Koryvale> Painfully vast quantities likely.
[02:18] <Elmer> The artifact seems so... picky
[02:18] <Korinna_Koryvale> Sounds potentially unpleasant...
[02:19] <Heldon_Koryvale> Elmer>Not really. Growth, no decay.
[02:19] <Elmer> No decay means you would stop again, which Google said you continued aging
[02:19] <Heldon_Koryvale> Kor>Or potentially requiring considerable action.
[02:20] * Korinna_Koryvale laughs...
[02:20] <Elmer> aging instead of again
[02:20] <Googleshng> no ACCELERATED decay says I
[02:20] <Heldon_Koryvale> Elm>No, you just don't start losing skin tone, bone or muscle mass.
[02:20] <Googleshng> (extra fast)
[02:20] <Korinna_Koryvale> We're talking more than ONE hyperaccelerated brat, then?
[02:21] <Heldon_Koryvale> One further factor, compatibility.
[02:21] <Elmer> Answer me this:
[02:21] <Korinna_Koryvale> True.
[02:21] <Korinna_Koryvale> Tiefling and human are not necessarily reproductively compatible.
[02:21] <Elmer> Why are we discussing how something magic would affect scientific biological things?
[02:21] <Heldon_Koryvale> Half-human-half-unknown-but-capable-of-breeding-with-humans
[02:21] <Googleshng> Uh
[02:21] <Googleshng> BS?
[02:21] <Googleshng> Tiefling is like 1/4th or less demon, 3/4 or more human
[02:22] <Elmer> Tieflings are at least 1/4 demon or devil
[02:22] <Heldon_Koryvale> Because even in a nonscientific world, some things stay the same.
[02:22] <Googleshng> so I'd certainly HOPE they can have kids there
[02:22] <Elmer> at most I should say
[02:22] <Elmer> Sure, some things stay he same, but does it matter :D
[02:23] <Heldon_Koryvale> Ic consequences. :)
[02:23] <Korinna_Koryvale> We are hella nerdy
[02:23] <Heldon_Koryvale> Sexually active couple, life-promoting artifact.
[02:23] <Korinna_Koryvale> Goog, you have to post a log of this to your AD&D page...
[02:24] <Googleshng> if someone is logging, sure
[02:24] <Korinna_Koryvale> Sexually very active newlywed couple.
[02:24] <Elmer> Anyway, the kid wouldn't grow balanced. 20 years in a little bit isn't enough to teach and train the kid
[02:24] <Googleshng> yeah, I said that a couple pages back
[02:24] <Korinna_Koryvale> The kid would be seriously screwed up.
[02:24] <Heldon_Koryvale> Doesn't have to be 20 years.
[02:24] <Elmer> Not to mention the lack of social activity with someother than you 2
[02:24] <Googleshng> yeah
[02:24] <Googleshng> but I like roleplaying insanities
[02:24] <Korinna_Koryvale> We're talking... they've been married perhaps a month?
[02:24] <Googleshng> uh...
[02:25] <Korinna_Koryvale> Still in "honeymoon" phase of relationship.
[02:25] <Googleshng> yeah, sounds about right
[02:25] <Korinna_Koryvale> We're talking... still in the phase of the marriage where they get it on at least once a day, potentially more than once.
[02:25] <Korinna_Koryvale> When they have privacy that is...
[02:25] <Elmer> That would = pregnancy in 1 month flat with no birth control
[02:26] <Korinna_Koryvale> They weren't exactly having sex on the floating disk with Elmer there...
[02:27] <Elmer> I would think in ye olde medievil DnD times they only had sex when they wanted kids, or if they were rich, when some insane doctor said it was safe
[02:27] <Heldon_Koryvale> Au contraire.
[02:27] <Heldon_Koryvale> Big families were the norm.
[02:27] <Elmer> Exactly
[02:27] <Elmer> So they always had sex to get a big family
[02:27] <Elmer> But you are constantly traveling
[02:28] <Elmer> Not the best place to raise a family
[02:28] <Ollikka|sleep> ...
[02:28] *** Ollikka|sleep is now known as Ollikka
[02:28] <Heldon_Koryvale> Morning.
[02:28] <Ollikka> mornin'
[02:29] <Heldon_Koryvale> A ship's cabin or a room to themselves, they have frequently.
[02:30] <Elmer> So you want an entourage of kids age 1-12 following you into steamy jungles and frozen wasteland?
[02:30] <Ollikka> lol :P
[02:30] <Heldon_Koryvale> Hmm... If they stayed with the lifestone, they could raise an army...
[02:30] * Korinna_Koryvale laughs
[02:31] <Ollikka> ... :P
[02:31] <Elmer> Odds are, after birthing an army in a short time, Korinna would be dead
[02:31] <Elmer> Not fun
[02:31] <Heldon_Koryvale> You're forgetting the instaheal.
[02:32] <Heldon_Koryvale> body recovery times way up.
[02:32] <Elmer> Factor in the chance of a complication
[02:32] <Elmer> Chances are, she's gonna die during labor one of the births
[02:32] <Heldon_Koryvale> Again, even with complications, the lifestone is likely to keep both parties alive.
[02:33] <Korinna_Koryvale> MY CHARACTER IS NOT GOING TO MOTHER AN ENTIRE ARMY!
[02:33] <Korinna_Koryvale> NO WAY! NUH UH!
[02:33] <Elmer> The stone can only heal so fast
[02:33] <Elmer> Anyway, this is getting to strange to handle and I'm sleepy
[02:33] <Elmer> So i'm out :P
[02:34] *** Signoff: Elmer (Quit: Ahhhhh, DnD arguments.)
[02:34] <Ollikka> lol
[02:36] <Korinna_Koryvale> After one freakishly fast growing baby, Kor'd banish Heldon from her bed until they ditched the lifestone.
[02:36] <Ollikka> And I am supposed to join a party like this xD
[02:36] <Heldon_Koryvale> Seems fair.
[02:36] <Heldon_Koryvale> Yup. :)