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I just rewatched volume 3 of Van-Pires over the weekend with some friends, so I'm totally up to speed now with all the serious plot developments over the course of the series. You know it'll all come together soon when we reach the finale. First though, we've got these other two episodes here. This one starts with Girl flirting with a car. Seriously. She's muttering some vaguely sleazy things to it. Eventually the others arrive and start teasing her about how she's failing to repair it properly... this... this really all goes on way way longer than it has any right to. Girl really rubs me the wrong way, have I made that clear over the course of the series? Now she's threatening to muder everyone with power tools, so they leave with their drug pushing hippie to get a new record player. This leaves Girl to flirt with her car some more. Eventually she's distracted by a used car commercial though, in which Tracula is just kinda loitering around in the background. Seriously, he's just standing their twiddling her thumbs or something. Working on the assumption that this commercial is a live broadcast, she freaks out and launches into a frantic strategy meeting with her new best friend. Seriously, this is like, full blown schizophrenia here.
She opts to handle this whle situation on her own, which apparently means taking on like 20 to one odds. There's this bit where evil used cars crash into each other, and then their airbags pop out and float up into the air. It's... very Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. Then they combine into this big flying Prisoner bubble which captures her. Weird.
"Be the V!" ... Huh? What the $#@% did you just shout in unison? I can't have heard that that right. Anyway, they fight the monsters of the week, rescue her, fight more, then Nuke gets captured, and... "I can't break the airbags, but I can break wind!" Joy. More fart jokes. This one didn't use the word gas though so... that's progress I guess? Now we're trying to suggest that not killing this week's monsters of the week will somehow doom the world... which usually isn't a concern. And yeah, a balloon totally works as a crowbar. Why not? Tracula is pinned under some rubble, because why not, and... Girl throws a bomb in with him, causing him to explode into a fine mist. Seriously. There's just puddles of molten steel lying about after. Then there's some weird discussion about how only Girl remembered to get gas before the fight, but she's willing to share... somehow.... apparently. It's also vaguely implied that Tracula reforms all Terminator Two Style.... or not. OK. These puddles are apparently actually portions of the airbag of doom, which wander off and levitate up more random cars, and Tracula's just arbitrarily fine. So... OK. I guess the bad guys win? They're raising a big huge mook army and then the credits roll. What the hell? I doubt we're trying to set up a two parter or anything... this is just really going against established pacing here.
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OK, this episode is called "One Million Miles B.C." Presumably, dinosaurs will somehow factor in, but... that title is real surreal. Reminds me of that old SNL bit. The 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea one. Anyway yeah, bad guys find a dinosaur skeleton while doing their own independent oil drilling work or something. Meanwhile, an old blues great shows up, and the kids all try and make excuses to flee because he makes them feel awkward and they hate blues and rock apparently. In contrast to that episode where they were totally into an over the hill hair metal band. And then there's the 70's rock that comprises the soundtrack to every other episode, usually actively being listened to by the characters... so... what the heck. I'm totally all for pushing kids to listen to old blues musicians though. Get some culture. They still duck out though so... whatever.
Back at baddie HQ, Tracula is going all WTF is wrong with you for looting a newly discovered archeological dig site? And why on earth would you drag monster bones to the impact site of a plot medior that animates things as weird monster type things? Before they can provide an answer though, yeah, undead T-Rex is our monster of the week. Van responds to this new threat by... dragging Bluesy to his bed room and hiding. He eventually calls for help. And the animated skeleton is then struck by lightning, causing random bits of metal to be sucked in and coat it for a proper sucky robot look. The kids have gone to school, oh yeah, remember? There WAS a second set! They're here to grab books for studying from their classroom... in the middle of the night. Schools don't work that way. Oh hey! We get both "It's shapeshifting time!" AND "Be the V!" We're totally trying to make these catch phrases. And I still have no idea what the heck "Be the V" is supposed to be short for. Be the victor? Icecream truck somehow ends up on top of the talking toilet, prompting it to say "Hey! Sit or get off the pot!" OK. That wasn't a vehicle pun OR a play on words. You're just swearing outright at this point with minor censoring.
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This show sure uses a lot of speed lines for 3D animation. Also, we're apparently doing the whole joining forces with the enemy to defeat a common foe deal on this one. Everyone but Generic Dude and Tracula is totally confused by this concept. Also, "You are one of us, Motorvators." Uh.... you am grammar wrong? And again, dawn cones with convenient timing. Oh and the kids organize a benefit concert uh... in the... complete lack of any time passing between that fight scene and pulling people out of the rubble... for Blues guy to perform and bring in the money to rebuild the junk yard. OK. That is NOT Blues. That's also not particularly singing. Also, this is weird as heck. The original classic rock ending credits music for this episode is... some kind of black metal thing with lyrics about giving over your soul to Lovecraftian Great Old Ones which eventually degenerates into creepy little kids chanting in universe about attaining paradise. WTF?
OK. This is it. The final episode of Van-Pires. It's been a crazy ride. Oh dear. This episode starts with an "invention which accelerates the process by which organic matter is transformed into combustible fuel." This is demonstrated by throwing a poorly rendered rat into it. So... yeah. Apparently in this episode, the bad guys are actually going to try to kill people. Normally they don't do that... or anything else particularly evil. Meanwhile, the good guys are conveniently getting into composting. Also Token Black Guy has a beeper? Really? That'd be weird if these kids weren't all so clearly involved in drug trafficking. "Where are you hiding that skinny little butt of yours?" That is some WEIRD friendly banter for a kids' show. Anyway, Token Black Guy is abducted and presumably murdered off camera. Now here's some evil motorcycles for no reason.
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So yeah. Non-transformation sequence, fight scene. Or... no. Toilet and Hose kidnap Van. Now it's fight scene time. These aren't, like, humanoid motorcycles or anything. Just regular motorcycles. Being fought by people who can fly. The motorcycles are totally winning though somehow. Eventually they just hop on and ride them rather than fight. Uh... there were 5 motorcycles earlier. Continuity? Can we have a little now and then? I guess the other 2 are still rampaging around of-camera or something. So now we've got 2 hostages here, no reason not to throw them into the people liquifier... and... we're not. We're just waiting around until the other characters show up riding motorcycles. Oh then they attack the motorcycles. Which I guess can fly now. But anyway, fight scene. And the hubcaps are heat seeking or sentient or something?
And then the machine just kind of explodes randomly for the sake of plot convenience I guess. And yeah, good guys win, work more on their contrived project of the day never to be mentioned again, and laugh at non-jokes. So... that was that. No more Van-Pires. Now come on folks. Rent the first couple episodes, make some cheesy costumes, and start running around conventions shouting "It's shapeshifting time!" and telling people to go truck themselves. You have your mission.
Back to Vol. 2 (as I watched it)
Back to Vol. 3 (chronologically)
