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Immediately after popping in the DVD for Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl, a single trailer appears, informing me that "[I] should be watching Robogeisha." I know. I totally should! Netflix still has it in Saved purgatory though for some crazy reason, whereas this they're letting me watch now. Anyway, this i by the same director as (I THINK) Machine Girl, but is distributed by, of all people, Funimation. There's actually a whole bunch of trailers for Japanese weirdness tucked away back here, but they're all trailers made by Funimation that make everything just seem REALLY lame. Oh and not all of these are Japanese weirdness, there's some Korean artsiness in there, and... the live action version of Mushishi? One of these things is SO not like the others! Also wow, apparently yon movie is exactly the same thing as the first 4 or so episodes of the anime, but instead of being GORGEOUSLY animated it's embarasingly low budget live action and Ginko looks stupid instead of anachronistic. And then half of these are just nice calm rational samurai movies... so uh, yeah, let's just get on with the movie. Do I have a Cheesy Dub option? I do? Awesome.
"In Japan, it is traditional for girls to give boys chocolate to confess their LOVE." Uh... thank you for that cultural footnote? OK, here's something. We've go a- oh my. We've got a trio of silly looking frilly schoolgirls with their heads on backwards attacking this dude and his girlfriend with an eyepatch. Then she reveals her vampire fangs, bites one, rips all flesh off her face in one tear like peeling an apple, revealing a silly little skull with eyes, which she headbutts at the second, where it lands on her nose and yanked away all THAT skin, then Vampire Girl just kinda summons two blood swords, lops that skull off, landing them in a stack, kills the third, and, yeah, we've got a little skull totem pole. We also have some REALLY upbeat music starting up and... yeah, I am on board.
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So, the next day I guess, which is Valentine's, here's a highschool class. It has some cliques in i, including the uh... over the top offensive bushman clique? Where a bunch of girls are in blackface with giant afros and disced lips, and someone cutting her wrists... wait, was this actually me finding another movie by the Tokyo Gore Police guy? Am I in for THAT much of a treat? Anyway, there's a lot of crazy goofiness going on here too fast for me to keep up. So... we have gorthic girl who I assume is Vampire Girl, she has a boyfriend who is dull, and a father who is this total spineless nutty professor type and also the vice principle and... oh my. There's a wrist cutter's club! They have exercises and chants and... OH WOW THE JANITOR IS THE HUNCHBACKED SCIENTIST FROM TOKYO GORE POLICE! OK, yeah, taking a quick break to double check stuff on Wikipedia, his is indeed the Tokyo Gore Police guy's second movie. Fun fact- Tokyo Gore Police came about because the American distributor for all these other Japanese crazy things I've been covering here (which this guy did the special effects for) said "Dude you want to make your own movie? We'll front the money."
But anyway, yeah, back to this here. OK, so, the reason Boyfriend is Boyfriend is Vampire Girl is she gave him a valentine's chocolate full of vampiration blood, and then we get this crazy vision of walking circulatory systems and DEAR GODS! Now we're cutting to the meeting of the "Super Dark Club" and WOW. Just wow. "OK, we started this club because we just liked tanning, but haven't we just become super racist?" Then another stabs her with a big spear, and they all start banging on drums and hopping around going "Remember Obama! Yes we can! Yes we can!" Uh... for anyone reading this not in the know, this is spoofing this weird trend of actual Japanese girls turning themselves into some kind of crazy freaky over the top turned to 15 charicatures of blond tan beach babes. It's... yeah. Anyway, things keep moving along. OK, so Gothy Girl is going to eventually be our Frankenstein Girl and has some club, and we kinda have a love triangle with her and Vampire Girl both liking Boyfriend... and here's some more Cutter Club, and here's Boyfriend going to see the school nurse who is uh... super slutty.
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"So hey, you drank my blood so now you're a half-vampire! Cool huh! Have some more and you'll be a full vampire like me!" "Uh, no?" "Oh come on!" "Well..." "Yo! Get away from my man you hussy!" So yeah, that's resolved, now here's some random kid getting abducted by someone and injected with glowing green stuff from a crazy syringe and... wow. OK, mild mannered vice principle is now cackling away like a cheesy supervillain while wearing full kabuki makeup, and... he's going to reanimate this here kid, but wait, he isn't dead yet. So Stripperiffic Nurse hacks him up some, while he plays a spne and pelvis electric guitar, and then we just have this crazy montach of putting him back together with power tools and doing the Sexy Eyeball Dance and... dear gods this movie is amazing. They.... kinda get a bit distracted being weird though, so rather than making some Frankensteiny creation they just kinda end up with some abstract flesh sculpture. Whoops. And oh. Thank you. Thank you movie for giving me a chance to catch my breath. The awesome insanity was getting to be a bit much.
Oh WOW. So here's Vampire Girl actually doing the vampire thing for the first time. Here's some stalker, hey, want to get something to eat? Sure! Cue silly CGI jaw dislocation and ridiculous blood geyser... and American 1950's light rock ballad. Jerk teacher watches all this from behind the scenes taking pictures, so she kills him too, takes the camera, and complains about how he didn't get her good side to Boyfriend the next day. She also explains how Igor the Janitor is her slave in really hilarious fashion. Oh, and this dub is AWESOME by the way... and dear gods it's Blackface club again. It's so wrong. Oh and the drop of blood offered to Boyfriend to make him a full vampire earlier landed on the floor of the nurse's office, she finally notices now and is trying to mop it up, but it's... dodging. It's hilarious. And uh... ... did I just see a single drop of blood rape someone? Clothes on of course but, hey. "Hey! Hey! You're being too erotic!" Actual quote. So... Dr. Kabuki Frankenstein eventually has the blood drop in a test tube and they're playing with it and... totally recreate that scene from Little Shop of Horrors where the blood drop is going for the other blood drop on his finger and OK he's going to use his vampire blood to reanimate corpses...
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Now it's Chinese class! Tough by inexplicable Chinese guy! Who totally goes on this total tangent about "Ju-On: The Grudge" AKA the meowing kid movie. So that's wacky. After class, Frankenstein Girl hears her dad cackling maniacally down in the basement... still, and goes to check it out. By the way, I feel I should point out that unless you count silly gore and racism, nothing remotely offensive has been in this movie so far. Just manic insanity.... OH DEAR GODS THE CUTTER CLUB HAVE MADE THE NATIONALS! That means EXACTLY what it sounded like. And they win! Because the girl from the other team accidentally just full on sliced her arm off. But, jumping back now to the conversation between Vampire Girl and Boyfriend that... this last lot of stuff was all meanwhiling away from I guess. "So, wanna be a vampire?" "No!" "Oh, I guess I'll have to kill you then." "Er, I mean, yeah! I totally wanna be a vampire!" "Cool then." This is close to direct quotes by the way. I love when characters actually talk like I summarize and Vampire Girl does it all the time.
Now here's a psychic flashback to Vampire Girl and her mother fleeing from.... Sir Francis Xavier and his Catholic Yokozuna with machine gun head and arms. Which fires cross-etched musket balls. And he has blades for hands. Man... this is another one of those times where it must sound like I've just completely gone insane and I'm typing random words right? So yeah, mom sprouts buzzsaw roller skates of blood and kills the sumo paladin, and I'm not even getting into the soundtrack to this thing. But Sir Francis eventually wins... and cackles maniacally. So then Frankenstein girl sows up and is all "Get away from her! I saw her blood! It isn't human!" "Well yeah, I'm a vampire." They fight. Well. Kinda. Frankenstein girl charges at her arms flailing but just kinda misses and tosses herself off the roof. Vampire Girl's all "Well huh. Problem solved I guess... wonder where she saw my blood though. Should have asked."
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Meanwhile, in the lab, Kabuki Frankenstein just tries... soaking screws in vampire blood and... yeah that works. The screw itself comes to life and makes cute little noises. Then he uses it to attach an eye to the top of a hand and that to two feet to make this cute little weird thing. Anyway, the vampires are kinda murder suspects now, so they feather fall down off the roof and then we jump back to the lab where the doc finds out his daughter's dead and he goes from crying to laughing pretty darn quick. "I can finally use Keiko's body for Science! It's the sort of opportunity no father would pass up! THIS IS AWESOME! I can slash my daughter's body to pieces!" Direct. Quote. Apparently he needs more parts. OH WOW I NEED TO PAUSE THIS. This is totally an "and a horse wiener!" scenario here. We're harvesting the arms of the wrist cutting champion, which have been so toughened by training as to be impervious to blades, the legs of the captain of the blackflace club, who was of course training to be an olympic runner, and the lungs of the chinese teacher, because he really is from China, and as we all know the smog levels in China give everyone from there superhuman lungs, capable of smoking up to 10 cigarettes at once. All this to music lifted straight from Little Shop of Horrors. "And the culprit was the hot lady from the nurse's office!" This is all being narrated by Boyfriend by the way. Oh man, this movie. This movie is GOLD. Anyway, the rest of the students eventually put a stop to it, and she falls off an overpass as they chase her away with mops and an african tribal spear and such.
Now here's our offical Frankenstein Girl reveal. She looks about like you'd expect. I mean, you were expecting a big gaudy fur-lined kimono, and giant box cutter sword, right? Oh, and a power drill to remove her arm and throw it like a boomerang, slashing Vampire Girl's wrists. But see, now she can just make blood swords. "Thus began the epic battle for love between Vampire Girl and Frankenstein Girl. So... I guess my feelings don't really factor in here." Oh and she blocks the blood swords with her slashy arms. Which are so a recycled prop from Tokyo Gore Police. And oh man I forgot all aout Igor. He comes in wearing this crazy Samurai armor made from skeletons, wielding one of those..... WOW. OK, He has a spine and ribcage he's using like one of those things where you throw it at someone and it bites their heads off you get in weird Japanese movies. But more importantly, Vampire Girl flies away, so Frankenstein Girl screws her boomerang arm onto the top of her head and TAKES OFF LIKE A HELICOPTER. Meanwhile though, Boyfriend and Igor have to fight off the doctor and nurse, the latter of which now has... hands with eyes in the middle on her boobs. Igor's all I'll handle this though, so Boyfriend runs off to watch and maybe help with the main event fight. Which is on the top of Tokyo Tower, but that coes without saying. Vampire girl appears to win, as Frankenstein girl is now impailed on a bunch of girders.
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Meanwhile, in the other fight, uh, fighting. Back in the main event though, uh-oh. The severed arm with the cordless power screwdriver fixes Frankenstein girl.... Kinda. She's... flying and has super long steal girder arms, and can shoot chunks of girders. And steals Vampire Girl's cape which is the source of her powers. Oh, and boob hands have rocket punch. That was a given, right? Will Igor be killed by fingers in this movie too? NO!! He jams them into her eyes! So now she's linded because there's eyes sticking out of her eyes. With fingers. Then Igor runs her down with a giant wooden cross. But then Doctor electifies it. but as it goes flying away fro the force of the blow, it... flies a good mile or so, hits Tokyo Tower, causes Frankenstein Girl to drop the cloak, which Boyfriend catches, and... oh no! Frankenstein girl breaths a deadly cloud of Chinese car exhaust at Vampire Girl, causing her to pass out and fall! And Boyfriend is jus going right ahead and calling Vampire Girl Vampire Girl at this point... which he was in that last quote too, but this is to her face, not in narration. Anyway, he gives her her cape and some blood to drink, restoring her strength, so she can fly back up and.... be impailed by a whole bunch of rapid fire screws... creating a huge blood geyser.... JUST AS PLANNED! Weaponized blood geiser is go! Frankensein girl is skeletonized, and impailed on top of Tokyo Tower. Still has the goofy head propeller though. Then Boyfriend falls, and Vampire Girl goes to catch him, but she can't fly because all her blood kinda fell out, so she gives him the cape to save himself, but secretly has just enough blood left to catch herself with a spiderman style wrist line. Oh and the cross eventually comes back down and crushes the doctor just after he delivers the awesome line, "Did you think a mere custodian could beat the vice principle?" Oh and then Vampire Girl's line gives out and she falls. Boyfriend's all "There's no way I could live for hundreds of years on my own! Wait, actually, she did exactly that before meeting me didn't she, so yeah, I can probably cope with it." Fortunately, Igor arrives to catch her. So tada. Everyone saves everyone else except for the badguys and silly background characters. Happy end!
... but then Igor turns to dust and explodes. Now we go back to the wacky intro with the skull totem pole. Vampire Girl stomps on it and says "Let's go." Boyfriend's all well, now we can be together forever." "Well no. Igor's dead and everything.. Whenever I make someone a vampire they last for a hundred years then they turn to dust and explode. We'll totally be together until that happens though!" "Oh, so I'm just Igor's replacement? How many slaves came before me?" "I don't know, lots?" Oh and then "FRANKEN COMPOSITE LIFEFORM!" attacks. It's pretty hilarious looking. Then happy music and credits. And weird credits music. And that movie was TOTALLY AWESOME! EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS!
