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Uzumaki, Spiral, Vortex. Whatever you want to call it, this here is an honest to goodness Japanese horror movie, unlike the Chinese and Korean stuff people have been misrepresenting to me recently. What's the difference, you ask? Well, normally, I'd be able to say that this is a movie about a single woman moving into a small creepy building and having to deal with the ghost of a long-haired girl who's bitter and angry about being abandoned to die by her parents, possibly within a dark water-filled container. This movie actually predates the whole "J-horror" fad though, so instead, I can say that I'm significantly more familiar with the general storytelling vibes of it's country of origin, can almost understand the language being spoken (which is good because my attention is split here and there's no dub track), and have vaguely heard of the manga it's based on.Something about people being killed by the Dreamcast logo or something. Now, the real question is, will I make more Dark City, Dreamcast, or Gurren Lagann references while watching this? GL is the obvious bet since I so recently watched it for the first time, but also the least likely to be appropriate. Place your bets now!
"Hello, I am narrator girl. Weird stuff went down in my town." Here's a dead guy with blood pouring out of his mouth for instance, in the middle of a chalk spiral on the ground, at the bottom of a spiral staircase, away from which, the camera is spiraling. Do you see a pattern? Also, here's the title. And... here's that deal where the title is white text on black except for one arbitrary red character. Ma for what it's worth. That's like, the Japanese horror thing to do. And here's a quick subliminal something. And here's a Volkswagon beetle! And some Jisou statues! And here's an inappropriately wacky scene where the girl running past all this stuff bumps into this really goofy guy, who we see making silly faces with the camera rotated to various 90 degree angles. I'm guessing these two need names, and Goshima and Shuichi are kind of an odd pair, so uh... Vesty LeRue and Goofus work for now.
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Vesty moves on, and is freaked out, for some reason, by Goofus' father aiming a camcorder at a scale Snails have spirally shells and all. Then she moves on to hitch a bike ride from this nerdy kid who I thought was a catholic priest at first. It's the collar you see. Presumably, this is her boyfriend. Uh... so far we've really just got a whole lot of nice happy people being freaked out by stuff that strikes me as rather unremarkable. And here's someone walking backwards. Oh, and it was Priesty's dad, not Goofus it seems, that was filming a snail. Isn't this important information I'm relying to you? Anyway, Vesty and Priesty are talking about school, and eloping. I have to say, Priesty's face bugs the heck out of me. He's kinda got that really angular arrogant nerd look you see a lot in anime and manga, but, this is live action. Profiles shouldn't be that V-shaped.
AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! The scene just transitioned with a spiral wipe and a goofy Scooby Doo cartoon xylophone sound. And... yeah, here's some more places where we can find spirals. Potters wheels, the Twilight Zone logo, Priesty's dad's brain. Yeah, mainly that last one. Apparently he's kinda going crazy and getting obsessed with them. Or maybe he's filming a remote Sesame Street sketch and way too into his work. Meanwhile, in a less interesting part of the movie, Vesty serves the free melon she got from the crazy old guy at the grocery store to her total bum of a dad. I didn't mention that because in addition to not being important, this happened right before the totally inappropriate sound effect. I suppose the important information here is that Mrs. LeRue is dead. Now Vesty's looking through an old photo album, which suddenly turns into this cool stop motion animation photo flashback. The impression being that this kid's parents took an average of one picture every 3 seconds while she was growing up. I'm thinking it's more of just a cool effect to represent memories than a literal flip-book deal though.
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The next day at school, important plot developments continue not to unfold! Also, Goofus appears again. And again, he manages to create weird special effects through the sheer power of his dorkiness. So uh... wow. Remember that intro shot of the guy in the spiral in the spiral stairwell? Yeah, that just happened. By which I mean Vesty is starting up the stairs joking around with her friend here and suddenly, wham, body from the sky goes splat right behind them. Jarring. So they go to the bathroom and start to talk about it, when suddenly all 3 stall doors open simultaneously and this trio of weird girls come out. Their leader who just totally has the mannerisms of someone who'd go "OHOHOHOHOHO!" extinguishes a cigarette against the wall, causing this totally random explosion effect and spouts weird poetic gibberish about the whole situation. I'm still kinda really about.
Anyway, Vesty goes to talk to Priesty about this, and he spouts some crazy gibberish about how spirals draw the eye in towards the center, and clearly in this case, it just pulled the whole guy in. He also explains how his dad is just flat out totally crazy, and has basically quit his job to stare at spirals all day. He's buying clock springs, and stealing streeet signs, and special ordering plates from Vesty's dad who's apparently a potter, and wanting all naruto soup and now we're watching an extreme closeup of him eating it and really really enjoying internalizing those things. Now, at this point, I should probably stop and apologize to all the anime nerds who did a search for "naruto uzumaki" and found this. Your favorite character is named after those little pasta things with the pink spiral that you come floating in traditional ramen. So yeah, dude is CRAZY. And... woah is that a creepy visual there. Let me pause for a moment and explain a bit.
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OK, so, Priesty took his dad's spiral collection and tossed it to hopefully calm him down. He was very angry upon seeing this at first (as Priesty brings Vesty by his house), but then goes "Well I'll just make my OWN spirals! With blackjack! And hookers!" and proceeds to demonstrate. And by demonstrate, I mean he starts spinning his right eye around clockwise, and his left counterclockwise, and they both start bulging out of his head. And there's a whirring engine sound accompanying this too. And they're at different speeds. Even the weirdly goofy sound effects can't make that not creepy.
Later, Vesty is Disturbed and is sitting at the back of her class. Meanwhile, here's a fat slimy guy. Ah, OK. He's another student who was caught in the rain. He's totally drenched and seems like kind of a weirdo, who slowly lumbers along. More so than me even. And... no that's not just water, that is some weird sorta slime. It splattered all over when the bully tripped him. And something is weird and bulgy on his back. Now see, this is when you leave town. Three instances of really weird stuff going on in a 24 hour period, you go. Plus there's Goofus here. He has some kind of box for Vesty, and he's putting off a creepier vibe than usual. Box full of snails perhaps? Oh. Box full of Jack-in-the-. You know, the musical sting when it poped out there makes me realize how totally awesome it would be to have an Alien chestburster themed jack-in-the-box. Or better, face hugger, shape the box like an egg. Bonus points if you hinge the legs to actually clutch faces if opened at the right angle.
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Anyway, Vesty is given Crazy Dad's plate by Bum Dad to go and deliver. I'd have said "No frelling way am I going back to that psycho's house again!" but Vesty is really polite and has bad survival skills. Nobody appears to be home though. So, she just waits around outside for a while, then screams as she sees... something we don't get to. Apparently, Crazy Dad discovered that he could go and turn HIMSELF into a spiral if he put a sharper blade inside his washing machine. At the funeral service, Priesty's mom looks up at the sky and screams and EYES SHOULD NOT GET THAT BIG ON A REAL PERSON! Dear frelling gods that was a creepy frelling use of random cartoony special effects movie! Ahem, anyway, she's all "YOUR FATHER!" wile pointing up at a big black spiral cloud. Not a tornado, this is just an unnatural tube shaped cloud spiraling around. Then stretching down from the center to touch a lake. MINE IS A HEAVENS THAT WILL DRILL THE uh... pierce?
Anyway, Priesty and Vesty are now talking to the town historian about this, since Crazy Dad was in there recently asking about the town's history. By the way this movie is really fond of extreme almost-wall-eye closeups on people when they're talking. They're also watching his home movies. Here's the one he recorded of a snail shell just sitting there. And here's the one he recorded of himself hopping into a human sized blender. Again, we don't actually see the crazy crazy gorey scene, just the implication that it happened. Tasteful that. He also brought a mirror with him. Anyway, Researcher dude gives Vesty a ride home in this weird first person car ride and wham! They almost run right into this REALLY brief glimpse of Bum Dead as some scarred up zombie mess with this looong spiraled up tongue hanging out of his mouth. Or possibly it's half his freaking head all coiled over. Upon getting up, he's not a totally mutilated mess, but he does seem kinda crazy and filthy, and apparently just got some clay from the sky-drilled river.
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Meanwhile, Priesty's mom has developed a fairly justified phobia of all things spiral, and is getting rid of them. In large part, that's healthy. Hey, you know what else has a spiral pattern to it though? Your fingerprints! ĘSo yeah. She sliced hers off. That's uh... not so healthy either. By the way, this is actually a legitimately unsettling movie by this point. You don't get those too often. Doesn't help that I'm watching it in a pitch black room either because it's often REALLY DARK and this TV has some major glare issues. Anyway, Vesty is either having a nightmare or is actually doing this, I'm leaning to the former, but she's approaching the running Washing Machine. She opened it up. Inside it was... not what I expected. I was expecting a big red mess, but no, it was Crazy Dad deformed into some kind of human taffy spiral in a way that wasn't gory and was therefore way creepier. And yeah, that was a nightmare. So what does she do when she wakes up screaming? ĘShe heads outside to, oh, not actually do it, check on her dad who is staring in distressing zombie-like fashion into the kiln he's making his new pot in. You know, the one made from the Evil Clay.
NOW HERE ARE SOME JAPANESE HIGHSCHOOL GIRLS DOING GYMNASTICS! How can you tell this was originally a manga? Because that was our scene transition. Oh hey, and lead crazy girl from the bathroom? She's doing crazy SPINNING jumps while her hair is really really unnaturally CURLY. This movie so wants to be animated it's just odd. Oh yeah, and fat slimy kid? He's so obviously mutating into a giant snail. It's like some weird parable about being slow. I'm totally serious. You can clearly see a growing bulge through the back of his shirt, that's him growing a shell. Oh, and as we continue our montage, researcher there is wandering about the mirror. Oh hey, in Japanese, mirror is kagami, and so is snake, and snakes are all curled up sometimes, and... yeah, there's this weird montage of connect the dots research that I can't transcribe without pausing the movie constantly. Let's just move on. Priesty's mom is freaking out, so he has to wear gloves all the time, and you know, frosting swirls on the cake Vesty brought? No go. Everyone has to wear clothes with straight lines to visit her in the hospital, no curly hair. No scalps, because, hair grows in a spiral (bandaged head on her too). We've got a jumpy zoom as Priesty calls researcher on a ROTORY phone. Apparently Japan still has those. Weird. Oh %@$# don't let mom see THAT! It's a poster diagraming the structure of the ear. So yeah, he rips that sucker off the wall before she can get ideas.
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Researcher by the way wants to meet Priesty by the creepy lake, and oh hey, here's Goofus deciding to greet him in his usual fashion of poping out of nowhere right in the middle of the- OK. NOW we have some gore. Quite a bit. Goofus got twisted around one of the frelling tires a few times, while Researcher smashed into the windshield cracking it in a spiral pattern, in the center of which is his dislodged eye. Our two protagonists kinda stand around by the lake in shock, and we get a real quick montage of every notable scene in the movie at too fast to register speed, then they go a bit sappy. By the way, this movie has little chapter break scenes. I get the feeling it's a REALLY faithful adaptation of he source material. Also, that is one big frelling centipede crawling into Crazy Mom's room. And spiraling its way up her bedpost, loudly at that. And up onto the bed. And over to her ear canal! Gah that's freaky even if you aren't crazy! She wakes up freaks out, tosses it to the floor and chucks a potted flower at it after, you know, dislodging it from her ear. Then she looks under the bed and starts hallucinating a vision about her spiral tongued husband, saying he wanted to curl up inside the spiral inside her head and sleep. Because there's spirals in all of us. And fighting spirit. Yeah, the GL references are in the lead. So, long story short, she jams a piece of broken vase through the side of her ear.
Now, here's the crazy sprial cloud hanging over the town suddenly forming, quite clearly, for all to see, the face of Crazy Dad eating the face of Crazy Mom. Yeah, that's not good. Nor is the teacher grading test papers and circling all the wrong answers. Circle, circle, circle circle-circle, Big ol' page filling spiral! And hey dude. Your eyes are lookin' kinda... all white with pinhole pupils. Also, it's typhoon season! Here, let's draw some rings on the weather map of most likely places for this big ol' swirling storm to make landfall. Now here's a news report on all the weirdness going on. Apparently someone saw a human sized snail at school. A couple of'em actually. Climbing up the side of the wall. With their human-like arms and heads poking out. And girls going "kawaii!" Uh... translators? Are you sure that wasn't "kowaii!" there? Seems more scary than cute and all? Anyway, snail-man! Snail-man! Does whatever a snail can! And then they start interviewing students and everyone seems ENTIRELY TOO CALM about how they just watched two classmates slowly turn into giant snails over the course of a week or so then migrate off into the mountains. And that's not all says the reporter before we get footage of uh... OK, remember the girl with the hair? It's like she has an upside down squid on her head climbing around on the ceiling as she walks down the hall humming. But, you know, made of curly hair. Now see, that one IS cute. News van apparently decides to leave out the only tunnel out of town, report done, the uh, long circular tunnel. "I can't see the other end..." Oh, and here's someone finding another spiral! Inside this gun barrel! So... yeah, everyone's crazy and the town is cursed. Now we're just kinda having fun with the concept.
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So what's Vesty's dad's deal? Don't know, but Priesty says "It's got me." Yeah, the spiral curse is just plain twisting his legs around each other. Twist twist twist twist twist and... he's dead. Interesting side note, I have this OCD tick where I feel like if I turn left more than I turn right or vice versa it's like I'm sitting on a swing and twirling, and eventually have to untwirl back to a neutral position. Well who's crazy now! Well, OK, like everyone, we already established that. Priesty is now some kinda malevolent pretzel zombie begging Vesty to "Come into the spiral!" Now we've got some nice epic evil pipe organ music going on, and... cut away to dead freak photo montage!
Hair girl's reached up about 30 meters before she apparently became an emaciated strained corpse. Goofus, after being run over, started snailing out. Gun-looker, who was apparently a cop, got a nice drill-shaped entry wound. Priesty has silly noodle arms and is shaped like a more different S. Dad's bucket of mud was left at the center of the lake to make spiraly ripples to match the sky, which has a big glowing white hole in the middle of its spiral, and here's a fake-out end of real blip. Now back to Vesty saying "let me tell you the story of my town" in narrator mode... and... that's it. You were expecting resolution or something? No way! Things start getting weird and creepy, and they just keep right on getting weirder and creepier until we hit a maximum saturation point. Then we just have a nice soothing swirly paint spiral on a black background with the credits rolling over it and a totally inappropriate to being anywhere near this movie soothing rock/regular rock song.
You would figure there'd be something approaching an ending though. I mean, I don't want a happy ending. But shouldn't there at least be a scene with Vesty trying to get out of town, or confront the source of the crazy spiraling weirdness curse, or at the very least, what kind of freakjob death she ended up with. Because escaping seems totally counter-indicated here. The annoying part is that the narration bits just feature extreme eye-close-ups. Her dad we never really properly saw at the end either honestly. Or the teacher. That needed to be a way longer montage.
DVD special features here by the way include the entirety of Crazy Dad's camcorder footage. Which means, you know, long long shots of spinny barber signs and snails. Incidentally, I would suspect the ending works way better in the original manga. Because, the way the chapter breaks go, the last chapter here is nothing but crazy spiral-tastic doodles of all the characters with the title "Come into the Spiral!" so you get the impression of the actual author succumbing to crazy spiral madness by the end. What they should have done to transfer that to the movie is just have all kinds of spinning crane shots out the wazoo or something.
