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So the other day I noticed that hits on my page have been up a bit, and those ad banners are starting to generate measurable amounts of money. So measurable in fact that after like a year of running them, I have about as much as I make off one sale of Glistening Chests. Making tens of cents a day off something enjoyable just isn't right though, so it's time for me to REALLY suffer for people's entertainment. How much suffering is needed here? THERE'S A FRELLING SEQUEL TO FRELLING FRITZ THE CAT AND I'M GOING TO WATCH IT. Let the pain begin.
"The 1970's, jump back baby!" says the narrator... because yeah, that's totally retro relative to when this movie was actually made in... 1974? What the hell? So yeah, boobs. We start right off Fritz being nagged by his wife with nipples the size of... something extremely large flopping all over the place about how he's a total deadbeat pothead loser, but he uses the power of pot to astrally project and dance away down the street. No seriously. That just happened. His astral body got up and walked away, and we're cutting back and forth between his physical shell being nagged at, which I guess will be going on the whole movie long, while he... asks a Mexican rat if he can go sleep with his sister. We also have some crude pornographic graffiti on the walls and a fart joke or two. Now back in uh... did we slip into some kinda flashback here or something? Or is this he rat's sister he's sitting around with, or some random other girl? She seems to be OH DEAR GODS! No, no wait, good, there's the bad mexican accent. For a second there I thought we were going from 0 to incest and this was his OWN sister. But no, he just talked some guy into letting him get his sister high and sleeping with her. That's... well it's still pretty horrible but at least... ugh. So then her father, who's a pig, comes in and blows him into tiny chunks with a shotgun. THEN we have incest. But at least we cut away from it after some light groping, and... I guess yeah, that was just Astral Fritz, so, being destroyed, we cut back to him being nagged at, and now he actually goes wandering around. Man, I didn't even get to mention the incredibly racist crows outside talking about how they want to go steal expensive stuff from white people.
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Now though we're on to another segment where Fritz is talking to some bum dog in a trash can, and Fritz is griping about how it's too much hassle to go collect welfare checks and... now he's believing that this bum is god and MAN FRITZ THE CAT DIALOG IS SO WEIRD! It's like they just secretly planted microphones on a bunch of drugged out creepy people and recorded the random mutterings that happened to result. So... yeah. That scene didn't go anywhere, but I guess it KINDA set up the premise that we're going to be flashing back to Fritz' various past lives. At least, I guess that's what we're doing here because now we're cutting directly to NAZI SEX! Seriously, just, Fritz in an SS uniform sleeping with two girls. And now here's... Yellow Bulldog Hitler, with floppy penis. Some of these backgrounds are actually pretty well drawn and DEAR GODS ARE WE REALLY DEVOTING A FULL PLOT ARC TO HITLER'S GENITALIA!?! Oh and now suddenly we're psychoanalyzing naked Hitler with his single testicle and he's talking about how he always wanted to do ballet while there's just this crazy background of weirdly exposed black and red weirdness while skulls with Hitler's mustache and comb-over zoom around. I know it must sound like I'm getting to distracted by the horrors to discuss the plot, but... no I'm really not missing anything. This movie's just all over the place. Hitler tries to rape Fritz, but a bomb is conveniently dropped in such a way as to apparently vaporize his remaining testicle and we just kinda move on, slightly. So here's some more weird cartoon animal nazis, all passing a gun around while pinball machine sounds are made. Apparently Hitler's trying to get someone to kill him and take over out of despair, but is reminded his girlfriend would be sad. Now here's some racism and nudity. Fritz is doing some fairly unspeakable things to a big fat lady dressed as a nazi valkyrie, and now here's some tanks and some guy in shades shoots him in the butt and FINALLY we return to the mercy of the framing device.
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Well, the relative mercy. I don't really need to hear Fritz' wife talk about using chapstick to plug the holes in her diaphragm. So... here's another racist stereotype with a dog urinating on his leg and some joking about venereal diseases. And here's another friend of Fritz being hit in the face with a used condom and.... oh are we moving on into the next flashback? Here's Fritz in a top hat in front of some live action footage from the 30's. Not blended in with it Roger Rabbit style, just.... here's some random stock footage of FDR, and here's Fritz dancing in the middle of the screen. This goes on for a while. And it's RANDOM footage too. Stock market, night club, president, kid writing on a chalkboard, trains crashing, mob scene, really I'll take anything that's a break from the actual movie though. Oh and now, with the random footage still in the background, he's pouring wine for some girl, who WOULD look amazingly classy if not for the clearly visible exaggerated nipples visible through her dress. Actually, by THIS movie's standards, that's still pretty classy. I mean, all girls have those. Oh and now we just have strobing colored light, like it's a Sesame Street sketch from this area. You know, one two three FOUR five, six seven eight NINE ten, eleven TWE-E-E-E-E-E-E-ELVE! Now here's some stylized neon faces of... Al Capone maybe? Seriously, we've just COMPLETELY dropped everything for some weird dadaist music video that's... I'm going to say 5 minutes long? Maybe more? Oh, here's superimposed Top Hat Felix again at least... and... that's it? That was that whole sequence? We're back to his wife screaming at him again?
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Now Fritz is trying to pawn his toilet to an offensive JEWISH stereotype. Variety! He's eating pickles and not looking and apparently eats a turd without noticing the difference. He eventually takes the toilet in exchange for a space helmet. So now we have, I guess another flashback, to Fritz going to Mars in a past life. More really really weird dialog. Seriously these characters DO NOT CARE if I'm following their conversations. This movie is like perpetually walking past people in the middle of conversations they aren't interrupting for your sake. Oh and now here's some random gang rape of... I guess a reporter here to interview Fritz about how Mars was? She's another super racist black crow. The only thing we're at all consistent with in the realm of animal analogies. I blame Dumbo. So now they're going to have sex in a space shuttle. It visibly bounces up and down, because hur hur it's a phallic shape! Now we cut away for a gas commercial, then cut away from that for live action footage of an oil refinery exploding. Oh and when I say space shuttle I really mean rocket, because the people behind this don't get that that's not really he party that has people in it, just the part to get it out of the atmosphere. Now here's an actual space launch. So.... wait, is this going to Mars now, why were we talking like he was already there and back? Anyway, it explodes after leaving the atmosphere, so, now here's Fritz and Girl just having sex, in space suits, in a vacuum, and... here's random items floating through space. Like, really really really random. I guess we're trying to make some kinda statement like how... corn flakes and Alice Cooper records should be... in space. I don't know.
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Oh, time for a new segment? Here's that one gangster crow from the first movie spontaneously popping back into existence in an ally. Seriously, he just kinda materialized there, along with a pool table. Well, that went absolutely nowhere. So now we're cutting to... when the evil black people take over the world and have all the white guys lined up and shot? But now we're flashing back within that flashback to OH WOW. I thought I was misinterpreting things but seriously, we're talking about concentrating all the black people in the country into their own sovereign nation in New Jersey called New Africa and then declaring war on them. WHAT THE HELL MOVIE! WHAT THE HELL! I THINK we're trying to make some kind of horribly misguided metaphor about Nazi Germany maybe? Which... is weird because we were already making fun of nazis without any metaphor.... but.... no. No we really seem to be saying black people are really scary and we need to round them up and put them somewhere they can't hurt us and not associate with them. Here they are knifing each other to death over yo mama jokes. And here's Fritz saying the age of consent for black hookers is 11. Anyway, yeah, he's here delivering... something, from the White House to "the Black House." Of course. Here's people ignoring a stabbing victim. No, not the same one from earlier. And the 911 dispatcher refuses to deal with a white guy. This movie is SO AMAZINGLY BAD! Now here's some background dialog that sounds suspiciously like it was recorded from across the street without people's consent. Because we can't very well get this many ACTUAL black people to record incidental dialog. They're SCARY! Listen to them talk about Jimmy Hendrix! Here's more random unmotivated violence. Here's presidential guards playing dice when on duty. And... the vice president just murdered the president, I guess? And blaming it on Fritz. And yeah, declaring an official race war. Here's some terrible visual metaphors. Lot's of two-tone photography of destruction and sad people and two guys on pillars attacking each other in increasingly scatological fashion. And here's real footage of an A-bomb detonation to cap it off. But now the evil black soldier comes out bouncing a rock like a basketball and caves the other guy's head in. Now they're griping about not getting their black market cigarettes as war reparations. Now here's Kissenger offering a surrender. But anyway, yeah, they have Fritz killed.
Now here's more being yelled at, then Fritz in the sewer, which is a cave with pipes hanging from the ceiling making burping sounds as they spew forth pure feces. Now here's a hindu missionary. Yeah, still in the sewer. His holy book is a phone book, and he's asking Fritz to watch the "sacred cow %$@#" off his feet, censorship mine. Please movie, have mercy! Can we move onto segment number... 5? 6? Dear gods, we aren't REALLY only half done are we? Now... here's Lucifer coming for Fritz' soul... and he's a horrible gay stereotype... going back to the nagging though, here's their baby masturbating in the background. What the hell? Anyway, she eventually throws him out, and he's happy about it, because he no longer has to go collect welfare checks to support the baby and can... flashback the whole movie here. Seriously, we just started a memory montage of the entire movie up to this point. Then he just starts dancing, and... is it over? Is it? Are these end credits? It looks like they might be! Wait wait wait. Animators: Jim Davis. That's... that's a coincidence right? I mean, this actually DOES have kinda the same art style as Garfield...
