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Dear frelling gods. You have no idea how hard it was for me to get my hands on this movie. I thought Netflix had it, but it wasn't there when I sat down to watch. Other streaming video services, nothing. Youtube? Just one short trailer. I persevered though, and after wasting an entire day, I can now watch Sukeban Boy. In addition to hopefully making a better double feature pairing with Sukeban Deka than Yo-Yo Girl Cop, it's directed by Noboru Iguchi, the Machine Girl guy and to top it all off, it's based on a manga series by Go Nagai. Truly, this is the Quisatz Haderach of trashy Japanese movies.
We start right off with someone coughing up blood and passing out, having been just beat down by the main character with brass knuckles. Now here's some goons to beat... uh... him, up. Yeah see, the premise here is the the main character (who is very obviously not played by a dude) is a rough and tough street thug who really really really looks like a girl, so his father forced him to cross dress and attend an all girl school. Why? Because Go Nagai that's why. So SB here flashes these goons then beats them all unconscious. Cue smooth jazz and narration about how he used to get beaten up all the time for looking so girly. It's kinda like A Boy Named Sue. Here he is biting a dude's nose off for calling him cute in a flashback. And OH WOW DAD LOOKS AWESOME. He's like... the Japanese love child of Elvis and Buddy Holly, with a beard. And here he is just kinda jumping into the tub with SB to explain the premise I just explained. "My son is so cute. Damn it. I could fall in love with him," says Dad's narration, before drifting into slightly less creepy territory, then right back as he whines about SB having a way bigger penis. Then the next day when SB is changing out of undercover street clothes to his girly uniform, dad bursts out of the ground nearby, kisses him, they fight a bit, and he gives him his wig. Some mysterious girl watches this.
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Dad continues to stalk him on his fist day of school, generally being a total insane weirdo, and correcting him for using the wrong I while introducing himself to the class... and hi boobs by paragraph 3! I'm actually a little surprised you waited this long. Said boobs are revealed when someone at the back of the class randomly starts throwing knives at SB, slicing open the shirt of some random other girl. "Dad, was it you?" *headstand headshake* So anyway, now we apparently have a love interest, because why not. And wow, these subtitles are so very very full of typos. It's almost like I had to go to the seamy underbelly of the internet to find a bootleg copy of this movie because I absolutely could not turn up anything otherwise. Anyway, Love Interest thinks SB needs to act more feminine, so she drags him off to join the school's Humiliation Club. Which is... just 2 other girls standing in a classroom stripping to their underwear and flashing their boobs at the door while talking about how embarrassed they are. Oh wait, there's also a couple wearing... those traditional kinda diaper-thong-y underwear things, and football pads/jerseys/helmets, and the the chief, who's just some tough girl. So now Love Interest has to strip to her underwear, followed by SB... who everyone is just calling Sukeban, because, apparently, his name is "Suke Banji." Oh, but it turns out this whole club is just the cover for what I'm sure is the first of many arbitrary student gangs, the Pantyhose Club. They pull out weapons, hold Love Interest hostage, and strip her naked because... Go Nagai wrote this. Then there's a fight scene. Sorta. So... hey. I learned while researching an article that Noboru Iguchi originally directed porn before moving on to schlocky weirdness. That explains a lot. Not so much how this is so sleazy, I mean, that's just from Go Nagai's involvement. I'm referring to the production values. For instance, here this bad guy is repeatedly kicking the main character in the uh... several inches away from her face. Eventually he manages to punch her in the crotch and fart on her face though, winning the fight.
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The next day, Love Interest and SB walk to school together. They run into the boss we defeated last level, who now shows up to give SB flowers and worship. Love interest is... not a professional actor. So... I guess the defeated gang opens a strip club in SB's honor, were the leader plays mahjong with him, using topless girls as tables, and the now topless football girls do the robot in the background. I sure have become desensitized to this sorta thing. Also, seriously, what are those underwear things called? They're weird and everyone in this club apparently wears them. Which is weird, because their official deal is all wearing pantyhose. "I want to be Sukeban's lesbian lover," says gang leader to... uh... some girl wearing only a bandolier and bandana. By the way, there aren't any like, plot scenes or other connective material I'm skipping over here. This is just jumping around between weird sleazy scenes. Well, this one's kinda plot-y... but then it ends with Love Interest sucking the snot off SB's toothpick. That's not me making a metaphor or anything by the way. Oh and now here's a bad guy. She's like... the evil opposite version of Kekko Kamen, and leader of the Naked Club. Although she is at least wearing a bikini bottom. Also gloves boots and this... helmet mask thing that... OK, you know how creepy weirdos on Deviant Art love to make Hot Girl versions of things? OK, imagine someone did that with Nightmare from Soul Calibur. That's what she looks like. Anyway, she beats up the leader of the Pantyhose club with major lesbian overtones, because Go Nagai wrote this. Then she rips her tongue out and cuts her legs off with an axe, because Go Nagai wrote this. This is set to sad mellow music. Oh, and partway through we get a sepia-tone flashback to that unconvincing face kicking. Wow.
The next day, SB gets a note to come to school and... here's those goons from the beginning of the movie... and also Dad, all dressed in ill-fitting schoolgirl outfits. Apparently, Dad has recruited these dudes to be SB's backup in the gang war that's about to go down with uh... yeah. The topless, wearing bandoliers and bandanas "No Bra League, whose leader spits a bullet at Dad, blowing all the fingers off his right hand. They wheel out Legless Pantyhose Leader. Dear gods, read that last couple sentences again. Then they spit more bullets at people, causing various serious injuries and general weirdness. Now here comes Love Interest to fight them. She's the former table tennis champion, which totally qualifies her for this sort of thing. No Bra Leader shoots her shirt open by, again, I can't stress this enough, spitting bullets at her. She keeps doing so, but the rest she deflects with her ping pong paddle, eventually, after a WHILE smacking one back into her boob in honestly pretty gorey fashion. Man, screens for this movie are going to be weird. So many boobs to avoid, so many creepy looking dudes in drag I'll have to settle for. And now here's dad being creepy and incestuous again.
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Meanwhile, Dad's cross-dressing dudes out in the hall apparently have to fight the next crazy gang by themselves. "The Hoichi League." I... really don't know the reference here, but they have text covered bald heads, no clothes beyond those weird underwear things, and fight with chains ending in clothespins, which immediately become attached to the good guy's nipples. Meanwhile, here's a long lingering close-up of Dad's nipple as he tries to force SB to lick it in the other room. Man. Why the hell do I keep insisting in watching stuff written by Go Nagai? I mean, besides the fact that it's really entertaining to read about my torment. Anyway, eventually Love Interest comes by to jab SB with a needle, saying it'll make him feel better (after having been mouth shot in the kidneys earlier). She then explains it's actually a fast acting hormone that will make SB want to be a girl, and also grow boobs. Instantly. Like, there's a little boob growing sequence, which is very very very clearly just someone pushing their hands up against the inside of his shirt and wiggling their knuckles around. She then explains that she always knew he was a guy, and is in love with him, and is a lesbian, and reveals herself to be Sexy Nightmare. Then a fight breaks out, and then No Bra leader appears, and... her nipples split open, gory incredibly phallic guns burst out, and she proceeds to kill all the various mooks by firing her machine gun penis nipples at them. This is astoundingly unconvincing. You can almost see the stagehands just offscreen throwing balls of red paint at people who then just kinda rub it all over themselves. Again, the porn roots really show here. And... now here's legless Pantyhose leader getting wheeled out towards machine gun penis nipples No Bra leader and they... kinda have a fight. OK, so... Noboru Iguchi officially has a Thing here. We are three for three. Machine Girl, Robogeisha, and Sukeban boy here ALL have scenes where some wheelchair-bound person has guns in their knees. Anyway yeah, they slowly move closer while shooting at each other and somehow seem to just totally mutually miss.
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Meanwhile, in a part of the movie that seems to kind of actually have something approaching a plot arc, SB and Love Interest/Axe-Wielding Sexy Nightmare are to have a fight. SB first removes his shirt to inspect the huge boobs he just grew, and then just strips completely naked to confirm that yeah, he just was just full on turned into a girl. So now he's going to fight her while he's completely naked, and she's fairly close to it. And by fight I mean they just kinda take turns punching each other in the boobs while the camera spins around. Man, if it wasn't for the upbeat battle soundtrack and the beefy punching sounds, this would just be completely tasteless and perverted. Wait no... those don't actually help enough to prevent that. Anyway, eventually SB farts on Sexy Nightare Love Interest, and gets the upper hand for like... 3 seconds. Then Sexy Nightmare is about to strangle him to death, which he responds to with "If it's you it's OK." She has a change of heart though. And then Dad appears, injecting Sexy Nightmare with another one of these goofy manga syringes. He's then punched, which apparently kills him, but just before dying he has a sudden moment of clarity and realizes how completely insane he is. His dying words are to make Love Interest a happy woman. So they start hugging and happy music starts playing and, as should really go without saying, it turns out she was injected with super strong testosterone. We time skip a bit, where SB is now taking hormone treatments, and, basically we just have these two in a bathhouse, wearing only red weird underwear things, seriously, I need a name for those, both as big boobed girls with huge visible erections. Which they're both OK with, I guess. Then a chorus line of creepy dudes in their... seriously, what are they called? come out and... just kinda dance around seductively like some big splashy old hollywood musical from the 30's or something.
And... yeah, that's it. I just watched that. I just watched that and now I have to go take screen shots to provide you with proper context. I hope you people are happy with yourselves. By the way, here's a choice quote from wikipedia: "At an interview at the New York Asian Film Festival, Iguchi told of an incident where one of the actresses in the movie, completely unaware of her role, balked at doing action scenes totally naked. According to Iguchi 'We had to calm her down, capture her, and convince her to do the job ... We made it so she could not leave the set ... [in] America we would have been sued.'" I'd like to direct your attention to the word "capture" in that quotation. Also the reference to, apparently, locking her in the room and forcing her to strip. Yeah... Noboru Iguchi? I don't think we can be friends now. Yoshihiro Nishimura though, you had no hand in this one, and thus retain your status of being a totally awesome dude.
