OK. This movie here I honestly rented purely on the grounds that it will probably make good consciousness stream fodder. Netflix saw me renting, basically, every single post-Star Wars space opera cash-in attempt, and tossed this out as a recommendation. After making an attempt to verify that this is not porn, I am now operating under the assumption that it is pure refined awful cheese. Here's hoping I'm right, because every other possibility is worse.

Here we have the opening credits, in that old sci-fi novel squared-off half-bulgy font, in bright pink. As soon as they fade out we are treated to... a blond girl in a bikini running through a swamp... pursued by what appears to be an undead orcish cyborg with a laser cannon arm. So far so good! This awesome thing is then shot down from behind by a guy with a laser crossbow. We now skip ahead to crossbow dude chaining bikini girl up in his really sad looking spaceship, along with another girl, also in a bad cave woman bikini, blond, and it should be noted that neither of them can act if that wasn't a given. Anyway, they... pull their chains apart with their bare hands, and start talking technobabble about "reversing the polarity" of their... iron manacles. OK. Now here's a brief exchange from some hirsute storm troopers, before our two amazons beat them up with a rusty pipe and steal their keys. To the shuttlecraft they're stealing. Oh, and the girls are constantly spouting bad action movie one-liners. There's a lot of stupidity that'll just have to go unchronicled here. I'd essentially be transcribing the whole script.

So... now we pretty much just have these two flatly reciting as much generic sci-fi crash landing dialog as possible before crashing/being tractor-beamed down to a planet where they wake up on a beach, with a big evil robot staring at them from afar. Brown-bikini wanders into a nearby cave, with a jungle in it, eventually coming to an ancient aztec temple. White-bikini is not around for whatever reason. Inside the temple, there are various weapons on the walls and big elephant statues. Oh, and the evil robot from earlier. And that robot's owner, a swarthy douchebag named Zed... and White-bikini girl, who is now wearing actual black clothes. I see my attempts at distinguishing these two are doomed to constantly be thwarted. Good thing they're completely interchangeable. The big clearly evil looking robot incidentally makes awesome whirring sounds when moving, which is always a plus in my book... and kinda has a polite british-butler-dalek voice. So yeah, Girl 2 now also has a nice black dress.

Now everyone goes to a nice fancy dinner party and have a really highbrow philosophical conversation about hunting. Everyone sounds very erudite except for Zed's Quintessential 80s Jerk Friend who apparently decided to drop in with his snobby sister. 80s Jerk pulls one of the girls aside to explain how Zed is keeping everyone captive on his planet here and that there used to be two more people that apparently were bumped off by Zed doing the whole "most dangerous game" schtick. She's all "oh I'm sure they're fine" and everyone goes to bed. In the middle of the night, one girl wakes up to the sound of laser fire.

Now really, from this point out, this whole movie seems to just be a really sub-par Glistening Chests adventure. Not even one requiring the still-theoretical space expansion. Terribly cheesy things are still happening, but none of it is really noteworthy enough to bother pointing out.

OK, 80s Jerk's sister, as part of her pre-murder torture I guess has now been stripped (with no visible naughty bits thanks to careful camera placement, except there but I think that was just an editing error), strapped to a table, and now seems to be getting a sensual foot rub from one of Zed's big clearly evil whirring robots. That's kinda noteworthy. Now we're cutting off to one of the girls attempting to use Beguiling Parlance on another robot guard into following her outside as part of some Scooby Doo like plan. This, of course, works. Now distracted robot guard is yelling at another robot guard for trying to tell him to get back to work while he's trying to watch this chick splash around topless, which is honestly pretty darn hilarious because again, this is all with whirring, no contractions, and british-butler-dalek voices. Of course, we also end up with some actual intentional nudity going on, so yeah. We now return to our regularly scheduled cheese... except now we've officially crossed the nipple threshold and are looking for any excuse we can for more of that. And here I thought this movie was actually going to take... well, not the high road exactly, but the highest road you can expect to be taken by a movie that opens with an undead orcish cyborg firing lasers at a girl in a cavegirl bikini. The point is, I'm disappointed.

So anyway, while I'm not entirely sure how we got here from all these R-rated subterfuge hijinks, we now have 80s Jerk being forced to participate in the obvious most-dangerous-game scenario. The rules are kind of unique here actually. 80s Jerk is given a laser pistol that can't be fired for 10 minutes, while Zed pursues using the much more primitive weapon of uh... a laser crossbow. Oh, and his two robot guards. Doesn't really seem that sporting. Jerk runs into a giant spiderweb and is then killed... and uh... hang on a sec. Was the opening of this movie a flash forward? I kinda figured that was showing how the girls wound up on the big spaceship they escaped from to get to this planet, but this seems to be the same jungle, the same laser crossbow, and sure enough, all 3 girls here have now been re-outfitted in cavegirl bikinis and are being sent out into the jungle with knives to be hunted. Of course, they were in these same bikinis on the ship, where they clearly crashed here and things got rolling... are we looping around on ourselves or what?

"One last word of advice, try not to get lost in the Phantom Zone."

So anyway, yeah, we've just got a lot of running through the jungle, getting chased, setting traps, stopping for inane banter... 80s Jerk's sister dies from a crossbow bolt to the back... which is confusing because I thought this was just firing lasers? Here's some more inane banter, on the exact same inane banter log no less... So anyway, they wander around for a bit more, and eventually discover, bum bum bum, The Temple. Which apparently isn't to be confused with the ancient aztec temple looking place that the rest of the movie was set in before we got out into the jungle. Apparently the temple contains the Phantom Zone. "I have the strangest feeling the normal rules of time and space no longer apply." So yeah, they get arbitrarily separated in the fog, and are attacked by these like, lizard-skinned mummy-zombies, who are total non-threats. Then one girl runs into, hey! The undead orcish cyborg from the intro! He's inactive, so she tries to steal his laser arm, which makes him you know, active. He grabs her and drags her off, meanwhile other girl opens a sarcophagus which contains a huge honkin laser rifle as long as she is tall. Apparently, Undead Orcish Cyborg was wandering that way, so, Girl 2 shoots, Girl 1 is safe, UOC is KOed, Girl 1 gets a huge laser machine gun out of the Item Box. Oh sorry, they're big SONIC weapons, which saves on the special effects budget (drawing red lines on the film costs money you know!) and also means they can technobabble their way out of the fog with echos. The Undead Orcish Cyborg wakes up and follows them out, restoring a lot of points this movie lost with all the random nudity towards the middle.

Anyway, fight scene... and the crossbow is now firing lasers again... and the sonic weapons are... also firing lasers. Girl 1 falls off a log, girl 2 panics, Zed wanders up and kisses her, UOC wanders around... AIMLESSLY! and just generally looks awesome. Zed grabs the girl he captured and takes her home to rape. I thought the plan was to kill them and mount their heads on the wall dude! Girl 2 suddenly barges in in full roman gladiator regalia. By which I mean Gladius, shield, and full plate on just one arm. Girl 1 runs, grabs a breastplate off the wall, and uses it to parry lasers at one robot guard, while the other robot guard is dispatched by the best character i the movie who just kinda wanders in... only to then be hit over the head with a mace and explode! NOOOOO! Not Undead Orcish Cyborg! He was too beautiful for this world!

Anyway, the girls find a space ship and leave, while Zed, having just been smacked in the face with a shield and kneed in the groin, sits down for a bit on his throne of skulls. He just kinda sits around there for a while, with a "hmm... now what?" look, then eventually goes "oh yeah, hit the button that makes my home explode! That's what us generic villains always do!" (not a direct quote obviously), but, you know, this is like 5 minutes after the girls flew away, so man does his timing suck. The girls decide to randomly explore space, setting up a sequel which, I'm guessing, never came to be.

OK, so yeah, I am forced to conclude that in the first appearance of the Undead Orcish Cyborg, he was actually chasing some other girl, not at all related to our protagonists, before they showed up. Or something. Also, as a public service announcement, should anyone feel compelled to watch this for themselves, make sure not to confuse it with Amazon Women on the Moon, a film with a similarly ultra-cheesy title, made around the same time, but which is, in fact, a pilot for a failed sketch comedy show where the only reason anyone can watch it is just out of morbid fascination of the new depths it's capable of sinking to in terms of being aggressively unfunny. Seriously, it's like the best lesson ever in how not to be humorous.

Anyway though, having now finished Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity, let's see what we have for special features. Well, we have biographies of all the cast members, including the other films they've been in, including such gems as 1998's Vampirates and 1996's Repligator, along with things like Petticoat Planet and The Exotic House of Wax... and oddly enough, a lot of actually respectable movies. Go figure.

Other features include, for some reason, a commercial for Puppet Master action figures (which is kinda cool really, always had a soft spot for that series), and some trailers. For what? Assault of the Killer Bimbos, Beach Babes From Beyond, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama, Creepozoids, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity (yes, what I just watched), and Bimbo Movie Bash (which seems to be some sort of documentary celebrating... everything else in this list), and Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. OK, honestly? That last one? I might have to subject myself to that. It seems significantly less sleazy then the rest of that list (even Creepozoids, which is straight-up bad horror with only the usual baseline of sleaze involved), stars Bill Marr, and, most importantly, would appear to feature Brazillian Ninjas. I am a huge fan of Brazillian Ninjas. You see, "When Frank was just a little boy, his daddy crashed his airplane in the jungle. But Frank was rescued by the inhabitants of the secret ninja village of Brazille!" ... Play the Shadow Hearts games already people!