Tonight, I'm watching Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. This movie is by Troma, best known for a bunch of movies with their name in them, and the Toxic Avenger series. This is a bit of a red flag for me, because said studio is in the habit of being a living example of the principle that you can't be hilariously bad by intent, only accident. So... let's get it over with.

OK, we're starting off, after making the Play The Frelling Movie selection, with 5 minutes of the creators of this movie sitting outside the theater it premiered in beaming at how proud they are that it's actually recorded on 35 mm film. Actually, it's more like 10 minutes as they all then go into the theater and decide to see Indiana Jones instead. ... OK. More like 20, since they're now rambling about the Chinese bootleg DVD that they managed to buy before this was actually released, and how it honestly has much better packaging and menus. All well and good as amusing little special features go, but I did say to play the frelling movie.

Anyway, we start out with 2 kids making out in a graveyard and hanging a lampshade on that cliche. Also, my new cat is totally going to town ripping the paper bag off a bundle of still-wrapped The Massive Vs. The Masses boxes in the corner, which is really quite distracting. Anyway though, boobs. And upon them making their appearance there's a magically twinkling sound and a chorus saying "AHHHHHHH!" Then as they start properly making a beast with two backs... and half a dozen zombie arms burst from the ground to join in... and then the arms flee as an axe wielding maniac appears, and kills the mood by way of "No, look what's in his OTHER hand." Ah, what a classy start we're off to. Nerdy guy admonishes the axe-wielding psycho and leaves, at which point psycho dejectedly putters around, and begins to sniff nerdy guy's discarded underwear, and make decidedly uncouth comments, at which point one of the zombie hands returns, heads in through his out door, all the way out through his mouth to reach out and steal yon underwear, and generally eviscerate psycho on the way out. All of this with this general aura of "See! See! Look how horrible we're being! Isn't it funny! Come on! Watch me dive!" going on.

Anyway, we cut to, I guess, not too long after, where the apparently ancient indian burial ground this last scene took place on has been paved over to build a new ersatz KFC. As was predictable. I do have to observe the remaining sign though, labeling the burial ground and cautioning that "Desecrators will be cursed to the fullest extent of ancient tribal law." Anyway, the construction, despite being finished, is being protested by a crowd of teens from the 1980s. Many dirty jokes are somehow made, random nudity and slapstick also occur, for really no good reason at all, and nerdy guy is upset to discover his love interest has in the intervening time, has decided to go gay in college. This prompts him to break into a musical number. Which is really just quite embarrassing and tasteless, as is par for the course here.

By the end of this, he discards the severed zombie finger that represents their love, and goes to apply for a job. Yon finger wiggles at the restaurant causing a chicken egg somewhere within to become evil and giant and green and growing and roll off into the corner. All the employees have names like Arby, Denny, and Carl Jr. Denny, being in charge asks multiple questions about "these mysterious pulsating green vein-covered eggs" before declaring they should be sent to the breakfast preparation section. We've then got a bit of a montage of bad fast food jokes and toilet humor... and an in-toilet shot of a big fat guy having diarrhea... and some totally out of place political humor which, despite this movie being more or less brand new, is already severely dated. This scene culminates in an orgy. Yes, that does make no sense, but it still happens. Actually, after going on for a while, it doesn't happen, suddenly being revealed to be a dream sequence. The graphic depiction of explosive diarrhea though, that's really happening. And going on for a really astounding amount of time, with much brown liquid coating the whole room. Eventually his entire body collapses as a skinnier version of himself is born through his butt, goes "Woohoo! I'm skinny!" and runs off.

Now another impromptu musical number starts up, with a dozen or so topless girls dancing around the whole time. Now, if I weren't committed to doing this whole Consciousness Stream thing, I would long since have shut this off in disgust, but I have a responsibility to the world. I need to tell the people what I think as I watch this movie, slaying the foul beast of morbid curiosity, so that none need suffer as I now do. Now, I realize this may be hard to believe, but the songs are the worst part of this. Do you understand what I'm saying? It is MORE ENJOYABLE to watch zombies shoving their fingers up people's butts and a fat guy's butt spewing waste into the camera for 10 minutes than to sit through these musical numbers. This isn't hyperbole. I have these all available for direct comparison within a few minutes of each other. These are painfully painfully bad. A third one has started while I rambled about the second by the way.

So uh... now I suppose is as good a time as any for me to point out that in addition to all the fast food names, there's also the stereotypical muslim girl named Humus working here, constantly praying in the corner and prompting suicide bomber jokes. I mention this because I really don't feel like commenting on all the toilet humor I'm seeing. Oh hey, here's something else. The main character is meets his future self for no real reason in a scene that doesn't actually appear to go anywhere at all. Halfway through this, we cut away to another very low-brow scene, which at least involves someone dying, by being pushed into a meat grinder, with the only witness being Humus there who is accused of killing random guy. We then cut back for musical number 4.

OK. You know the whole concept of humor that crosses the line twice? When you just go and do something so deplorable that it becomes funny? This movie is REALLY trying to do that and failing. It all comes off pretty offensive, but never amazingly so, which just gives you giant piles of failed humor. Anyway, dead guy comes back as a possessed hamburger and delivers some exposition before being picked up and eaten by The General. And then Carl Jr. decides to have sex with a frozen chicken. This goes on for a while, before it comes to life and begins to devour his manhood, causing a huge spray of red and, for some reason, green, to coat every available surface, before the scene resolves with him having a mop shoved up his butt to push it off.

Then, rather than take Carl Jr. to the hospital, the General decides to placate the hippies outside with free blood and zombie-liquid covered chicken. It is shortly revealed that Girlfriend's girlfriend, the protest leader, is secretly in cahoots with The General and the whole protest was just a publicity stunt. Oh, and everyone eating zombie chicken begins vomiting all over the place. Oh yeah, and lets have some explosive diarrhea too. We need more of that. Oh and The General being forced to eat some of the green pulsating chicken to prove it's fine lays an egg which immediately, finally, hatches into a puppety zombie chicken, after only what? An hour of unwatchable badness? Before it has a chance to do anything funny though, he bites its head off. Shame.

On the bright side, Carl Junior then becomes a zombie-chicken hybrid thing. He gets his crotch-mop stuck on something though, neutralizing him as a threat, and allowing Denny to reveal that he has previous experience dealing with evil undead chickens. Meanwhile, the colonel starts to gorily transform into a giant egg, which then hatches into a giant monster chicken, that bite's Denny's head off.

This scene not going anywhere in particular, we move out to the crowd outside, who have become some sort of zombie/chicken/offensive injun stereotype hybrids, start engaging in some general purpose zombie shenanigans. Some of this is actually mildly entertaining. A good 80% though is just more of the same toilet humor, nudity (and I mean, like, fat hairy guys' posterior), and just wrong-kinda-tastelessness in general. Eventually, the future version of the main character pulls out a giant machine gun and kills all the zombies, and the giant monster chicken that still hasn't done anything, before Denny grows a new racist head "he's become a blackened cajun chicken!" which bites his nose off. This causes him to eventually die, after a big long dying speech, during which he explains that he is indeed the main character from the future.

Anyway, there's still a huge zombie crowd outside, but they just turn the Yes We're Open sign to Sorry We're Closed, deterring them. Girlfriend's Girlfriend, whose alive status at this point is a total plot hole, puts on the mascot disguise and attempts to escape to call for help. Meanwhile, Carl Jr. decides to finally be in the movie, and after a duel with the main character wielding an egg-beater, and him wielding his uh... mop that still has the tip of his penis on the end as close-ups insist on constantly reminding us, he reveals that whiskey arbitrarily kills the monsters. Of course, the audience already knew this from the 3 earlier examples I was too busy to mention, and the remaining characters still don't comprehend, so who cares.

Girlfriend's Girlfriend, having failed her mission, returns, has a dying moments scene with Girlfriend, annoying the main character and causing him to leave the room in disgust. GG then reveals that under her mascot costume, she has indeed become a monster, straddles Girlfriend, and spontaneously grows a giant chicken-faced penis. OK, you know that one Superdickery cover where The Penguin is riding a giant vulture with a really freaking freudian head and neck? Yeah, it's exactly like that except it's totally intentional. The main character fights this lower head by "choking" and "beating" it, then wandering off after it vomits, as clearly his work is done. Dear gods. I thought after that one episode of Devilman Woman I was done dealing with this sort of thing.

Future-main-character now gets up, having grown a beak after Denny bit his nose off, and attacks present main character. The only characters left alive now by the way are Humus, MC, Girlfriend, and a random priest who earlier was accidentally served possessed hamburger boy's severed penis on a bun is still waiting around for a free replacement sandwich. So Girlfriend and MC being busy, and Priest being too in the background, it's Humus to the rescue. She uh... yeah, this is one of those movie pausing moments here. She grabs a conveniently located milk jug of "Meat Steroids" off the shelf, chugs it, bursts out of her burka with very unconvincing muscles, and quotes He-Man, but replacing Greyskull with Allah. Wow. That was actually random enough to be funny. Oh, and she doesn't lift her veil to drink it, that's a running gag. Oh, and then her eyes burst out of her head, shoot out streams of white liquid, and she dies. Priest tries the whole "The power of Christ compels you!" Fails. The EXTREMELY dated "The box office power of Mel Gibson compels you!" also fails, so he dies. Girlfriend notices a beer keg, and finally puts 2 and 2 together. There's a big long scene of exposition and flashbacks, and it's explained that alcohol is their weakness because they're possessed by dead Injuns, and everyone knows they're all drunks! One of the dying final chickens opens the restaurant again, so Humus "Didn't you die?" leads everyone to the back room where the obligatory little girl that needs saving is hiding. Then they're attacked by The General-monster-chicken and a bunch of hatching eggs. Before they are killed though, there's some corny dialog, and another arbitrary, terrible musical number. And only just now do I notice that Girlfriend's name is, of course, Wendy.

After this is over, the monster has explosive diarrhea and dies. Of course. Oh, because he ate the burger version of Taco Bell earlier. Right. He's apparently fine aside from still being an animated sandwich too. So then to deal with all the other zombie-chicken things, Humus gives a big patriotic speech, and pulls off her burka to reveal herself to be wearing nothing under it but a bikini and a bunch of explosives. So she saves the day by suicide-bombing the restaurant while the others flee. Then Little Girl lays an egg while they're driving away, causing everyone to scream and flip the car, which explodes.

As the credits start, we get a totally arbitrary dance number that combines the traditional Thriller zombie dance with The Chicken Dance. At least someone had the good sense to squeeze that in. It's downright necessary. Anyway though, horrible movie is now over. That really was painfully hard to watch... and it's horrifying that I need to go back through for screens now. Ugh. I am flat out refusing to ever touch another Troma movie. I was thinking of watching some of the older one's for the sake of this whole deal, but it's just not worth it. I've seen worse things than this, but nothing that was as INTENTIONALLY bad as this. See, here's the thing Lloyd Kaufman doesn't seem to understand. While it is true that when you try to make a horror movie, and you fail miserably, the result is comedy. When you attempt to achieve that artificially though, you aren't really trying to make a horror movie, you're trying to make a comedy. And when you try to make a comedy and fail miserably, the result is horrible. And you WILL fail miserably under these conditions, by virtue of how you don't understand this very principle.