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As the queue of CS fodder dwindles, mainly all that's left here is some cheesy barbarian stuff, low budget 80's sci-fi, schlocky horror, and Weird Japanese Things. At some point I'm going to be sharing my thoughts on something called Mechanical Violator Hakaider for instance, you know we're all going to be in for a treat there. I think we'd all get burned out if I just cycle those flavors eternally though, so here's Thomas in Love. One of those "WTF is this and how in the world did it end up in my queue?" movies... and it seems to be some kind of early 90's CGI French porn. OK! That's over the line! Let's watch Mutant Hunt instead!
Wizard Video Presents and Entertainment Concepts production. OK, see, now that's promising. Wizard Video sounds like a name I can trust, and I certainly hope Entertainment Concepts are able to deliver, at the very least, an entertaining concept. Seriously though, we've got a lot of blurry illegible green credits to start off, and a very poor attempt at a John Carpenter sort of soundtrack. We've also got a warehouse full of... oh wow. OK, we've got a bad guy wearing one of those very V shaped evil space empire vests, standing around with a bunch of dudes who look like... OK, you know when they put on that concert in Revenge of the Nerds, and they're wearing those shades and jumpsuits? Imagine the evil version of those. We've also got some other badguy named Domina who... OK, she's also wearing an evil space V vest, but it's like... 10 sizes too big. The shoulders on this are easily twice as wide as her actual shoulders. It's just plain hilarious. Anyway, the evil nerds here are apparently evil robots that the relatively restrained badguy is activating while they're still in testing, which everyone else, so, super V and this here Good Guy Scientist, feel is clearly a terrible idea. OK, yeah, this is very very much MST3k fodder here. Let me just double check that they never actually covered it. Nope! I'm not the only one who's surprised though it seems.
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So yeah. No budget at all. Doctor Good goes down to... another part of this abandoned warehouse, to talk to his sister and prepare to call a mercenary to go hunt them down. More evil robot nerds arrive though to stop him, so.... he orders his sister to flee, and she oes, and they chase her, and we have some more really awesomely bad synth music. And oh WOW. Apparently she's just directly running to the home of Matt Riker, Mercenary, which is like, on the same block, just slightly around the corner and.... oh WOW this is grea. OK, his apartment is just this bare brick room with a bed, an afgan hanging on the wall, and some weapons on various other walls. Like, a crossbow with 4 bolts, and a machete, and a pair of sais. Oh wait no, there's 4 bolts. And a katana. And a harpoon. And that's it. I didn't eave anything out. We see all four walls of this place, but aside from a single chair, an end table, and a boxer's sandbag, that's all that's in here. It's a windowless brick room with almost nothing in it. Anyway, he fights off the evil android nerds wearing just his tighty whities, while some girl he was sleeping with just kinda sits there and spanks one once. The fight scene is really hilariously bad. At one point, a robot is handcuffed to the bed, and stretches an arm out really cartoonishly to grab the machete and cut its own hand off. Oh and then we see random bed girl's boobs-by-paragraph-3 real quick as she throws a shirt on.
Also, wait, what was that about "ever since the space shuttle sex murders?" Someone just said that in the middle of some terrible exposition and I totally missed the context. Anyway, he isn't really interested in taking the job here because it seems to dangerous. Then another evil deathbot enters the room out of the blue, and throws his girlfriend out the window to her death. They fight. It's really pathetic. Knife vs. chair. Then he just grabs one of the previous robots lasers and kills it. Turns out his girlfriend was just a sex robot he was meaning to replace soon anyway, so he's not upset, and now agrees to take the job. Oh, apparently the robots are on drugs and that's why they want to kill people. Or something.
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Now here's a night club. By which I mean a corner of this warehouse I'm sure this entire movie is going to be shot in, with a bar set up and a big silver curtain covering the corner. And oh, I'm sorry. They aren't robots. They're mutant cyborgs. Hence the title. In retrospect it's obvious. So some girl who can't act is a dancer here, and I guess she's also some kind of trained martial artist (by this movie's standards) that Riker wants to help him out on this.
Now the badguys are talking to each other.... and I'm... kind of confused. I think they're on the phone, because they don't seem to be in the same room. I mean, they do, because the whole movie is shot in the one room, but there's someone walking in front of evil girl and they're holding up... well, not phones really. They seem to just be holding like, stage microphones, and talking into them. This movie really is something.
Now here's Dancer leaving the club, and calling.. this random guy. He has some earbud hone thing, she's using... a big yellow corded phone that's just kinda stuck to the side of the building. She's afraid because she's being stocked by a robot, and he's coming to come rescue her I guess. Which.... OK, who is and is not officially good at fighting robots here? I'm reall confused. Anyway, yeah, this guy here, I'm just going to call him Luigi. He kinda looks like a Luigi, comes to rescue her by kicking the robot that's after her. She then immediately complains about how she hates having guys come save her, but dude, you called him specifically for that purpose. She goes on to say how she's an officially trained federation officer or somesuch, and "I've passed tests!" Which... yeah, that's what I was saying.
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OK, was this movie specifically created in the hopes of being made into an MST3k episode? Because really that's what it feels like. So anyway, I guess Luigi is basically Q to Riker's Bond. He has some stuff like this... I don't even know how to describe it. It's like this little McDonald's windup toy robot which is apparently a bomb and can leap off tables when things get dicey. OH WOW A BOOKSHELF! This scene MIGHT be shot in a different room than the rest of the movie... probably not though, because we seem really determined not to look away from this one specific corner with the bookshelf and a throw rug. Anyway, Riker and Dancer are in here fllirting I guess, but they aren't really speakig intelligibly. And... off come their shirts. They're giving more exposition while making out on The Throw Rug Before The Bookcase but I seriously can't make out one word beyond "We've got crazed mutant cyborgs."
Now, outside, we've got some old lady (presumably played by the director in an unconvincing wig and accent) shouting at her daughter and boyfriend to come inside. A Crazed Mutant Cyborg menaces them. Riker gets a message on his computer watch saying "Human life termination in progress at 2 (two) somethingorother street" so he heads ove, and arrives for an unconvincing fist fight just too late to stop him from ripping the girls head off in profoundly unconvincing shadow puppet fashion. Another couple sits there watching all this, not reacting at all, despite all the blood splattered onto them, but the girl does scream when she sees an arbitrarily severed robo-hand crawling away.
Now here's... some random girl. Dancer I guess? Standing around by the... oh hey, are we actually wandering around outside? In locations other than this one specific street corner which is clearly the nexus of the universe? Wow! Not that it went anywhere. Oh and I'm sorry, it was "Human life termination situation in progress." Even better. This time it looks like Luigi's on call. Our prospective victim is some guy of bad martial arts movie extra decent. Sadly, his limp wristed karate chops are of no avail... but just kinda headbutting the Crazed Mutant Cyborg's stomach is, and he flees. Luigi's watch says "Downgrade Situation to Code Blue... No Coordinates Follow" so he just kinda shrugs and goes home. Yeah, really wondering how these watches are supposed to work now.
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And... now Riker is getting escorted to evil hilarious V vest girl's corner of the warehouse by her Non-Crazed Non-Mutant Cyborg (the last of the totally perfectly functional Delta 6 series, not like these murderous Delta 7s). She implants a bomb in Riker's head, which... does not affect his weirdly chipper disposition at all, and demands he go steal drugs from that scientist or the other badguy or someone. She's kinda hard to hear. He says "OK, but only if you deactivate this bomb first." "OK... there it's deactivated." "You mean it?" "Yes." "You really mean it?" "Yes." "OK." Then he knocks her out with his elbow. Those there are actual quotes by the way.
So... yeah, OK. Apparently there's this drug called Euphoron which is, of course, a drug hat makes you feel good, and also apparently makes Cyborgs turn into Crazed Mutant Cyborgs and gives them super strength, and apparently it can be extracted from the corpses of dead Crazed Mutant Cyborgs and ingested just fine, if harvested by random gang members. That's... really weirdly similar to the whole Adam concept from Bioshock actually. Also, Luigi, unlike everyone else in this movie, can apparently conduct himself in the manner of someone who knows what the heck a fight scene is supposed to look like. He's all doing flying roundhouse kicks and whipping an improvised baton around and stuff while the Crazed Mutant Cyborg he's fighting is just kinda... standing there awkwardly and periodically swiping at air.
Then comes... this scene. Yeah, I just watched this whole bit totally dumbfounded, and now I have had to pause it to collect my thoughts and try to describe what just happened. OK, so Sister is taking a shower (pointedly nudity free, those first boobs were apparently a fluke) in... I don't know, the arbitrary non-space this movie takes place in somewhere. Outside, by which I mean apparently simultaneously both directly outside the shower and still in the bathroom, yet also outside on the one piece of sidewalk we see about a third of the time, we have a Crazed Mutant Cyborg who has been heavily damaged... somehow or other. He actually has this pretty good by any standards and just plain bizarre to see in this movie melty flesh and metal robo-puppet head with buggy eyes and a jaw hanging loose. He just rips his own jaw out, sticks a hand down his throat to find the loose-hanging speaker by which he actually talks, and stands up to confront Sister as she exits the shower... again, I don't understand how this works at all spacially. It's like, stand between these two, and if you face one way, you're in the middle of a bathroom, looking at a mirror and shower, and if you turn 180°, you're in the middle of the street looking at a graffiti covered wall and melty cyborg on the sidewalk. Anyway, Melty Crazed Mutant Cyborg calmly explains as she exits the shower wearing a bathrobe that their control circuitry is making them malfunction and forcing them to kill someone every 6 hours. He just killed someone 15 minutes ago though, so he's going to be completely rational for the next 5 hours and 45 minutes. During this period, he's asking her to take him to her brother that built him so he can be repaired, because he's frankly in a lot of pain. Then, after all that, she screams in horror, and he grabs her to carry her off. Yeah. That just happened. That was a scene in this movie. Moving on.
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You know, it's not even like this is a non-descript street. There's this big clearly recognizable Restaurant Shanghai sign right freaking there. Anyway, back to the half-well choreographed fight, these punks are about to jump the victorious Luigi, but Riker slow-mo jumps down from... somewhere to aid him. Most of this fight is off camera. Riker and a gang member are just standing around staring at each other while I guess Luigi is taking on the other two by himself. An implausibly huge number of punch sounds can be heard... I guess Luigi's just totally going to town on these guys. Seriously, this is a huge crazy brawl scene's count of punch sounds here.
Oh hey, now here's Male Bad Guy talking to Scientist who is... just lying on a table. He's clearly not tied down to it or anything, just, oh, his hands are tied together... but his legs weren't. He just stood up. Was he just tired? Anyway, Male Bad Guy is talking about how he discovered that drugs make Crazed Mutant Cyborgs, and he's going to sell these drugs to, you know, terrorists and such, because they seem like they'd be interested in making random Cyborgs into Crazed Mutant Cyborgs. Now here's Melty Bot bringing Sister over to... Riker and Luigi for some reason. Luigi proceeds to make fun of Melty Bot. Like, just to be a jerk I guess. Seriously, Melty Bot deserves to be in a better movie. Or at least, a movie with higher production values. He looks so very out of place here. Anyway yeah, he's totally joining the good guys and helping them out. So then... I guess all the Crazed Mutant Cyborgs are totally kind and good and helpful at heart, except for their 4 times a day murder breaks... and if we didn't have these good guys out there stopping them from killing random people or taking them out after, they'd all immediately feel remorse for their actions, and report back to the lab to explain what was wrong and get repaired? And the whole situation would pretty much resolve itself?
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Oh yeah, and Evil V Vest Girl apparently has a mummy. I... don't really know what's up with that. Every once in a while though, she just walks over to this so huge his head's off screen big beefy guy covered in gauze mummy style. I guess he's her super mega awesome Tyrant Crazed Mutant Cyborg or something. And... OK, she just pulled the bandages off, and (tastefully, with her back to the camera) removes her evil vest and just kinda... makes out with his back a bit. Delta 6 watches this and looks pretty weirded out. Then she tells him to go get a uniform for Mummy. That was... weird. It wasn't shower scene weird, but it was weird.
So then the good guys finally go to confront Bad Guy, and Melty Bot gets to get vengeance on him. Now here's V Vest and Tyrant here to be the final boss. And oh hey, here's Dancer just kinda wandering back into the movie. Seriously, she just kinda wandered off forever ago, hasn't been scene since, and just kinda... spontaneously dropped down from the ceiling to contribute to the big final fight scene here. Luigi even thinks its weird. He's also apparently just going to stand around by this arbirary pink background and watch this one. A couple Crazed Mutant Cyborgs come up behind him, and... they're going to just watch tooI guess. One grabs his shoulder and it looks like they're going to start fighting, but no, they're all just kinda chilling out and watching Dancer fight some random Crazed Mutant Cyborg just, you know, because I guess they find that sort of thing interesting. Her shirt does kinda get ripped open some, but not until after they've all been watching a while. Eventually they're done, so then they have their own fight in the spectator section. It's pretty quick because, you know, Luigi's the man.
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And oh yeah, Riker and Tyrant were going to have a fight over here, weren't they. Trant... doesn't look like I thought he would. He's got this big dumb melty fat face. And... OK, Melty Bot is just watching tha fight, as is asically everyone else. Tyrant's actually about to win, but then Sister wanders up and shoots him with a laser. And I just realized that Sister isn't wearing any pants. Apparently she just tossed on an oversized dress shirt upon getting out of the shower, and that's all she's been wearing for the last however long it's been. Just didn't realize because camera angles. Also, yeah, I just had another one of those moments where I need to collect my thoughts. So OK. Melty Bot gets dibs, and just kinda grabs Bad Guy by the neck and tosses him way over there, to his presumed death, right? Then there's these other fight scenes, then it turns out Bad Guy isn't really dead, and he takes a laser, and shoots Scientist in the arm. That doesn't kill him or anything, and based on his reaction it didn't even hurt that much. He just kinda grabs his arm and looks indignant about it like, what the hell man? Why did you just shoot a laser at my arm? Seeing this, Riker says "Nah, let's get out of here. I'm not gonna take a bad guy out when he's down." Then they all nod and start to leave. Then he says "The hell I'm not." Takes Sister's laser, and shoots, hi, causing this circle of oil he was apparently in to burst into flames... and then Bad Guy dies in... just this really weird and surreal way. Like, OK, he already looks dead right, but then he kinda pushes himself off the ground for a last dying gasp sorta deal... but it's very clearly shot as him laying down behind the flaming corpse prop, his actual body being obscured by the flames, so it's... just his head kinda popping up weirdly, and he makes this really weird elaborate and electronic sort of sound like... playing a Q*Bert death swear backwards or something then lays back down.
Then we just cut back out to The One Street where Unconvincing Grandmother is now yelling at... I guess her other daughter? The one who's 5, to come in for breakfast. She's too busy though being amused by the... top half of another Melty Crazed Mutant Cyborg, the one whose hand came off, as it's just kinda propped up against the wall trying to put it's hand back on. Then we go back to the warehouse where that last big action climax took place. I mean, yeah, OK, it's the same warehouse the whole movie takes place in, but here it's actually supposed to be a warehouse, where Riker, Dancer, and Luigi are triumphantly striding out. And... that's it. Movie over. We don't see what Scientist and Sister do, Evil V Vest Girl and her trusty sidekick Delta 6 just kinda... hide up in the rafters and wait for everything to blow over I guess. We don't see what happens with Melty Bot, but I'd imagine he's mercy killed or something. Movie over. Not a whole lot of credits by the way. So yeah. That sure was an entertaining concept.
