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It's called Machine Girl. Here's a Japanese Schoolgirl with a giant machine gun arm. Found it in the same batch of previews/viewing suggestions as Tokyo Gore Police. So... the bar is set pretty high going into this quite frankly. I mean, I really can't say I didn't have fair warning if someone gets raped by a bulldozer that then gets assimilated into the body of Col. Sanders or anything like that. Oh, and the setup menu contains finger sushi. Much like the finger sushi in the Bio Zombie CS that never saw the light of day. Sushi made from human fingers.
So anyway, here's some punks playing William Tell tossing knives at an apple on some poor shmoe's head. Now here's Machine Girl come to yell at them and announce her plans for vengeance as they dressed her little brother up in a girl's uniform and killed him. Then she pulls a hand-sickle out of nowhere hacks an arm off with it, before pointing out that her left arm is a stump. Then pulling a frelling mini-gun out of her sock, mounting it on her stump, and chewing someone's head off with a hail of gunfire in a way that just reminds me of Gunbuster's fingernail missiles. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just search for Gunbuster awesome scene on youtube, or any reasonable variation. So yeah, punks are getting killed with cartoonish violence left and right, and the opening credits aren't even over. The important things to remember here are that Machine Girl, despite being a live action type person, so totally has access to Hammerspace, can jump improbable distances, and kills people.
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We then launch into a flashback about how she used to be a Perfectly Ordinary Highschool Girl (TM). And yes, this DOES immediately start off with her hanging out with her pseudo-lesbian stalker/friend. Because you aren't a Perfectly Ordinary Highschool Girl (TM) unless you're hanging out with some girl who's totally unremarkable except for her clear desire to have you throw her on the floor and storyboard a doujinshi. Quite frankly I find it weird how consistently that whole thing is kept right on the edge of plausible deniability land. It's what makes that new supplemental Azumanga add-on so darn hilarious when Osaka just comes out and says "So Kaorin, are you gay or what?" Anyway, my point is that this flashback is just made of such generic manga/anime/messed-up-Japanese-movie backstorium that it has to be parody. Now we have a yakuza/ninja master (seriously) having his son drink his blood to gain his power. Then their maid comes in and interrupts them, and thus must be punished by being repeatedly beaten by the lady of the house. With a meat cleaver. Then as yakuza/ninja-boy leaves his gated house, he's accosted by a gang of punks. Uh... I'm going to assume that I blinked and this isn't the same kid... no. No it's pretty clearly him. Not the brightest gang that. Apparently yakuza-boy and Machine Girl's little brother are the town's two designated wimpy nerds, despite the former having frelling yakuza/ninja bodyguards. So yeah, Machine Girl goes to save them, but accidentally bumps into some adult random thugs. And what do adult thugs do when Japanese schoolgirls bump into them? If you said rape, you are wrong. If you said attempted rape though, yeah, you're dead on. Because she has improbable combat skills and all. Anyway, this scene going on in a totally different area than the nerds getting beaten up somehow makes the kid gang say "Hey! Raping your sister would be way more fun than beating you up! We should go do that later! But you know, first we're going to throw you two off this multistory parking garage." They didn't force him into a girl's uniform though. That picture she held up before must have been from an earlier incident. Well, either that or the most recent photo she had of him was from a cosplay contest. Which is totally a legitimate possibility. Kid is a huge nerd.
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So yeah, going through nerd-boys stuff after he's dead, she finds his list of "people I want to kill" which explains why she went on to, you know, kill them. Still need an explanation on the minigun arm though. Oh, and first she's just going and confronting the parents of the bullies. Who are... total insane jerks. At least this pair. OK, when I first started typing that sentence, I just meant in the sense of "if your brother got killed by bullies, he must have done something to deserve it." But no, then they try to stab her to death and in the ensuing over the top fight scene her arm manages to get soaked in tempura batter and fried. So she goes running out of the house with this silly looking tempura arm. Then she starts threatening their punk kid directly with her hand-scythe-outta-nowhere. Well, OK, demanding info then decapitating him. Close enough though right? And then dumping his severed head into the soup pot they have on the stove when they aren't looking. And then stabbing Mom through the back of the head and out the mouth causing her to vomit blood and for some reason cottage cheese into the pot with her dead kid's head. Then she goes to the bathroom to find dad taking a bath, and squeeze his dead son's decapitated torso to spray blood all over him. Then she runs off while shouting about how she's turned into the devil. Also, her arm is fine now, so getting tempurafied apparently is NOT how she lost it.
Meanwhile, in the home of a different evil family, possibly the yakuza/ninja one again, a chef is getting chewed out. No wait, pretty sure this is a different yakuza dad because his kid is alive, and has been dealt the discourtesy of being served bad food. His yakuza mom is scarier though. See, dad just wants him to cut his own finger off in contrition. Mom though wants him to cut every digit off his left hand, make finger sushi, and eat it. See, you make bad sushi, you eat bad sushi. It's like an eye for an eye except, you know, cutting all your fingers off in there too. Anyway, Machine Girl bursts in, holds sonny-boy at knife point, he isn't impressed, having missed that whole last depraved scene. So anyway, a crazy fight scene breaks out with many throwing stars being thrown. Eventually Dad chucks a katana across the room, pinning her left arm to the wall. This where it goes stumpy? Of course not. This is going to be a running gag, just you watch. Instead they just pull it out and rough her up a bit. See, this family's whole deal is they don't kill people, they just seriously torture'em. I'm calling these guys the Sonozaki family and I don't care how few people would get the reference. Anyway, they slice her fingers off with their honzo sword. And they really call it that. Then they get into a big argument about whether to keep shortening that arm a bit at a time over the next several weaks, or hack it off now. Then Mom just hacks it off now. Guess it won't be a running gag. Then she escapes by getting their butler in a headlock with her thighs while he's sexually harassing her and demands her freedom.
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Then on the way home she remembers oh yeah! Massive blood loss! I should be weak and stumbly shouldn't I! Anyway, we've got some boring character development going on with Machine Girl's grease monkey mom wanting to kick her out of the house because quite frankly there's been a recent rash of violent kids' parents getting F'ed Up. But no, vengeful yakuza know you don't go after the parents of Perfectly Ordinary High School Girls (TM). They hardly even exist as entities. No, you go after their pseudo-lesbian stalker/friends. They just flat out stab her in the top of the head actually. Then rape her. Every time I mention rape the camera cuts away just so you know, but it's still referenced in fairly blatant and frequent fashion here. Anyway, Machine Girl and Mechanic Mom are now getting into a full blown martial artsy fight scene. These two have a really weird sort of relationship. I guess it makes some sense though. You don't become a total badass who goes around beating up people with bits of their kids corpses unless your mom is essentially Revy from Black Lagoon. And if you don't get THAT reference, seriously, go watch Black Lagoon. It's surprisingly good. Anyway, since this is this sort of thing, once their fight is resolved, they team up to fight crime. Dad also wants to contribute, so he contributes to the construction of a new robo-arm for her. Dude these are some preposterously awesome parents. How the hell did they manage to also raise the biggest wimpy nerd in town? I'm honestly not sure that these are actually her parents. They're clearly her brother's parents though.
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Suddenly, ninjas! Pink ninjas! With rapid fire shurikens and crazy posing! "Quick! Finish that machine gun!" The 3 ninjas link their swords together into what's basically a giant throwing star for this fight scene. Revy counters with a big freaking pipe. The good guys eventually lose though, but oh yeah, dad's in the back room finishing a minigun! He tosses it to Machine Girl who totally rips off Army of Darkness by catching it on her stump, but Dad gets his face sliced into thirds by throwing stars while she's still in slow-mo. Well, OK, 5 chunks fall, he kinda loses both arms there too. Anyway, the ninjas parry minigun fire for a while, seriously, but eventually die in various cartoonish ways. Skin off one, perfectly circular hole through the middle of another, and the head of the third as he looks through that hole. The evil yakuza family responsible retreat after the death of their goons, and Revy mourns the death of her husband, the only male character in the movie who was at all cool. Yeah you heard me cool looking Mafia guy who showed up just after I typed that. The ONLY ONE. You suck too or else I'm contradicting myself! Machine Girl agrees and immasculates him some. By just, you know, humiliating him that is. He doesn't get his junk blown off with a hail of bullets. Admit it, that's what you thought I meant. Oh, and meanwhile the Parents of Dead Evil Kids are forming some sort of support group/vengeance posse.
Oh, and apparently the totally not at all serious slight nick to the stomach Revy took in that fight scene is suddenly a life-threatening injury. Apparently it managed to injure her parfin nerve. Was it parfin? I feel like I'm losing some nerd cred by not knowing the exact random mumbled word there but a quick internet search shows that nobody writing Farscape episode guides quite caught it either. I'm tempted to dig out my old tapes, but uh... I should probably be talking about how Revy and Machine Girl are taking turns pounding nails into this guy they're grilling for info until he looks like Pinhead from Hellraiser. Eventually he agrees to talk. Oh, and for the next confrontation, Machine Girl is given Special Super Bullets which are only intended for finishing moves. Revy's still just carrying a big ol' pipe. Apparently her life-threatening non-injury isn't enough to keep her from being a badass. Anyway, they go to the badguys hidden deep woods temple lair, where they're confronted by evil football players. OK, it's the parents of dead kids, in matching American football uniforms. With guns strapped to their wrists. And Silence of the Lambs mouth griills. And silly Magical Girl poses. Awesome. Oh and katanas. Tackling people as it turns out, not so much effective against a minigun. Oh hey. They actually ARE, because they're wearing bulletproof vests it seems. Wrist mounted machineguns though, those totally are no match for a pipe. Oh, and a chainsaw MG just pulled out of hammerspace and tossed Revy. You know, you would think the Perfectly Ordinary Japanese Schoolgirl with the minigun arm would be the one doing all the major butt-kicking in this movie but she is so totally outclassed by Revy in every scene they're both in. Oh and here's a guy with something he calls "the executioner's blade" which is a box on a long chain you throw at someone and it lands on their head and you pull it back and their head is inside it. It also follows a totally dragged along by a string flight path. By which I mean it kinda bobs and weaves along. Revy gets her foot torn off by it, and the dialog actually admits that you can die from blood loss, but I so don't see it actually happening here. Way too much past precedent. Oh and MG? Why is your shirt suddenly ripped open a little? Seriously, it was fine like, a second ago... and now it's fine again. Continuity error!
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So, claw guy rips off the gun arm, and gets impaled by the metal rods within. Meanwhile Revy isdragging hersel along the ground for a while, bleeding to death, gets attacked, and fights back by jamming her chainsaw onto her food stump and vertically cutting the guy in half. After that, and some more screaming for vengeance, she apparently eventually, finally, dies. She kinda had the meaningful death card played on her forever ago, but dang did she hold it off a while. Time to confront head evil kid though finally. Oh, that was his dad with the claw it seems. So there's just evil kid and evil mom. MG screams at evil mom for not having the power of love and friendship, and also she has a proper chainsaw arm going now. She goes to hack evil mom in twain but it bounces off. "That should have cut right through you! "I wore my Special Bra today. It's made of steel! The Drill Bra!" (TM) Wow. Just wow. MG now gets mutilated some more in what has to be the least appealing example of "symmetrical docking" ever. Then the drill bra shorts out because one of the random kids evil kid is using as a human shield wets his pants in fear, causing evil kid to rush to her aid, and giving MG a chance to, in one motion, cut both of their heads (mostly) off, everything above the mouth technically, fly into the air, and land on the other's uh, lower jaws. Then MG gives her brother a you are at peace now speach picks up a stray katana, and slices her own throat with it. Actually, at the last second, she changes her mind and does a cool end of movie action pose instead.
OK, that one was pretty good, but it was no Tokyo Gore Police. The violence was only humorously over the top, not completely ridiculous, and the only real scenes of WTFery were the tempura arm, following Scott Tidderman-esque bit, and, of course, the Drill Bra. I mean, my favorite character in this movie is just some girl who, aside from briefly mounting a chainsaw on her ankle, basically stayed completely within the confines of sanity. That's a bad sign for this sort of thing. Oh, and the only preview of note here is for something called Zebraman. No, no connection whatsoever to Zebra Girl. This is an actual superhero deal, where the hero has no superpowers, just a really goofy costume. And apparently fights some sort of giant space baby. And the tag-line is apparently "Hard on." Which I am 99% sure is supposed to be like, generic tough sounding engrish that came out unfortunately embarrassing. There is some chance though that it's actually his official poor-grasp-of-english catch phrase, which would be some great accidental comedy. And we can't COMPLETELY dismiss the possibility of him killing badguys with pelvic thrusts of doom.
Special little bonus! Apparently I have some sort of super power to get the most embarassing screens without trying. Just skipping through the movie, not paying any attention, grabbing screens totally at random, I somehow managed to catch THIS. If you look at the very first screen in here, you'll notice that this movie is sufficiently low budget that her arm being missing is, in many cases, brought to you by the high tech special effects wizardry of... holding it behind her back. Usually this actually works well enough that you probably wouldn't have caught it if you'd just watched this movie for the first time without me having pointed it out, but uh... there's this one bit in the opening fight scene there where she does this cartwheel jump deal, and uh... when you do that, you tend to need your arms for balance. What I'm trying to say here is that the very first screen I grabbed, right here, takes place AFTER she loses her LEFT arm. Yes. Left arm. The one you can clearly see right here. It's not even like they forgot which arm it was, both are visible at different points in the jump.
