I'm so not thrilled with the idea of hitting play here. This week's movie is a little gem from 1987 called Gor. Now, if you're blissfully ignorant of what Gor is, and you think someone just can't spell Gore and this is another schlocky horror movie, you might want to keep it that way. Just close this tab and carry on without this view into the dark corners of the world. Admittedly, my own knowledge is pretty flimsy, but this based on a series of books, which I gather are mainly Conan knock-off sleaze, but... special. I'll get into that more in a second but wow this is off to a dorky start.
We've got this dorky as heck college professor telling some very bored students about his magic ring that can transfer people, apparently in disembodied fashion, to the "counter-Earth world of Gor." Also his name is apparently Tarl. But seriously, he's giving a lecture about his magic ring, and nobody cares. Then his girlfriend refuses to accompany him to his cabin in the woods for the weekend because it's all boring and there's no shopping an such, and runs off with some jockish type. So he drives off on his own, there's a sudden storm and/or UFO, and he crashes into a tree but is magically teleported to Gor. Or possiby a rock quary in Arizona. I'm assuming Gor though. Now he's staring at some kind of barbarian raid sorta deal going on and I guess realizing what's up... and wow this is an embarassng fight scene, and a hilarious outfit on what I assume is the main baddie here.
Anyway, yeah. As I'm presumably going to have a chance to harp on at length, the main deal about Gor from what I've gathered is that it's all about pushing the author's belief that all women, whether they admit it or not, secretly want to be enslaved, raped into submission, do everything they can to please some tough manly dude who smacks them around when they step out of line, and be lead around everywhere with a leash and collar. None of this is metaphorical. I'm told the author and his biggest fans actually try to live this sort of lifestyle out in real life in everything. And "want to" really does apply to all of that. Any sort of talk about independence or not wanting to be raped whenever someone feels like doing so, that's some kind of crazy stupid woman denial.
My personal knowledge of this sort of thing was mainly acquired in the most horrifying way knowledge can be applied. Several years ago, I had one of those morbid curiosity moments and took a look at Second Life, having half-heard some talk of people actually doing some properly game-y stuff with it. As it happened, people had devised what was honestly a really cool implementation of game mechanics, where you basically just strap on an invisible accessory that outfits you with an HP bar, keeps you from flying around, and registers damage from various weapons, significant falls, and being underwater, eventually dropping you to the ground when you bottom out. So... hey, it's a cool dynamic setup letting people build their own MMORPGs, piggybacking on the physics and world building already pleasant. Which would be totally awesome, except it's Second Life, so it's all fairly horrible and creepy, and it's extra horrible and creepy because this whole elaborate system was being exclusively used for a shockingly sprawling Gor MMO... which, from what little I saw, basically amounted to using this weirdly appended combat system to determine who got to strip who naked and drag them home to force into hardcore bondage. I may be judging things too harshly here, but, my Get The Hell Away From Here sense went off pretty fast and loudly is the point.
This movie adaptation here though is apparently by someone who isn't some kind of creepy S&M misogynist though, or at least knows well enough to show some restraint, so, we've just gut us some 80's-PG Conan knockoff stuff going on. 80's-PG allows you to have girls in super skimpy metal thongs writing around on the floor like strippers by the way. So anyway yeah, on with the plot summarizing. Professor Tarl Hugedork gets transported to Gor, sees evil dudes raiting some hole in the wall village, accidentally trips into one causing him to stab himself or something, and is proclaimed their divine champion and such. They explain how his magic ring teleported him here, which he doesn't really buy, and he's also picking on the name Gor, but... wasn't he just explaining to his class that this is exactly what the ring did, even mentioning Gor by name? Anyway, they have a dorky training montage, and then a party of Tarl, Mullet, Geezer, and Girl march off towards the evil dude's place or whatever. Along the way they have to stop by some civilized area that doesn't go in for girls now being properly chained up, so they chain Girl up, and wander along, openly talking in public about how they have to pretend Girl is their slave, and about all the swords and bows and stuff they need to get, then they stop off at a bar full of the aforementioned writhing nearly naked girls. After a while, this Brian Blessed knockoff wanders over, and just kinda spontaneously offers to give them the supplies they need, and a handy map to the bad guy's fortress that he... just happens to have. He demands the party's slave girl wrestle his first though, with him giving them this stuff if theirs wins, and if his wins, he gets to take their girl, and also kill one of you I guess. Him. He doesn't even make a bet out of this, he just kinda demands that it will be so... and then he backs out when he loses. So they just go buy their supplies, and apparently they come with a free midget just stuffed in their bag, who offers to be their sidekick.
Mullet has an amazing talent for not acting. "Hey guys, wait! I gotta get my sword!" doesn't really seem like appropriate dialog for this sort of thing, but that's how he talks. This whole thing is really laughably bad in genral though, so it doesn't stick out too badly. Anyway, after a couple random fight scenes, Midget leads them to a secret tunnel that leads straght to the bad guy's fortress. It's dark, but it turns out Tarl's secret decoder ring glows in the dark, so it's all good. "She's a victim of darkosis, a disease that kills many in the land of Sarn." Darkosis. So yeah, that was just a random line out of nowhere, but here's some phlegmy lepers randomy appearing and groping at our heroes, so I guess that's there deal. But they just kinda walk away and that's the end of it.
Now here's a random slave girl auction. And another brief, Just Because fight scene. So they lose, and everyone gets dragged off somewhere, except for Tarl who just kinda ends up meandering about the evil king's harem. Oh no, wait, that wasn't his harem, that was just some kinda party room full of half naked girls. Here's his harem. Tarl's all "so I need that MacGuffin you stole to return to earth." and Evil King's all "Huh. Weird. Well, you could just stay here, it's pretty groovy and I've got a spare couch, and hey, maybe I'll let you borrow that MacGuffin and use it for your thing even." Then he lets him swing by his harem, tosses him a girl to bang, sets out a bunch of nice platters of food... this guy really doesn't seem to be very good at this whole evil thing. He also offers him a front row seat to watch his new batch of slaves get branded. You know, his friends that he hasn't seemed especially set on rescuing. And Evil? King honestly just said "Brand Man." That's just wonderful. Anyway, Evil? King's all so hey, want to give it a try? So, he's all OK, and takes the hot branding iron and, you now, starts using it as a a weapon. See Tarl, this is why nobody wants to hang out with you. That is just terrible party etiquette.
So yeah, generic action scene again. And hey, here's slave girls charming a guard into opening a door for them. And all the other expected genre tropes here. So the good guys free some slaves and... then immediately get recaptured. Because this movie really only has the one card to play, and I guess it doesn't feel like ending yet. And once again, the main character arbitrarily isn't captured. Oh and Mullet died but who cares? Also random slave girl just got tossed into a firey pit, but she wasn't our proper token girl with a name and all so whatever. Tarl can only be bothered to rescue people he's known a few days. By... shooting the king through the neck, which is just incredibly goofy looking. Then his whole evil kingdom of loyal guards just apparently call it an early day. There's no fight scene, we just cut directly to taking the MacGuffin back home.
Anyway, Girl is all "So, we owe you one for ending slavery, wanna go have sex?" And she suddenly has a gaudy pink bandana. Anyway, on the way to go have sex, they pass this clearly evil priest, who they call out as being clearly evil, but... apparently they just can't be bothered to deal with it, so they go have sex, then Tarl then pokes the MacGuffin stone with his magic decoder ring and returns to Earth. No warning anyone that this totally evil dude is trying to steal their magic rock or anything, but now he has the confidence to punch tough guys and steal their girlfriends. But.. yeah, the only witness is Girl here, who... apparently actually being a slave girl, gets sold off.. I guess to Evil Priest here even, and Evil Priest then gives some parting monologue about how he's going to take over the world and the only person who can stop him just went back to earth... and he says this in this downright worshipful tone. Like... I hope that big doofy dreamboat returns for a sequel and kills me! That'd be awesome because he's so cool! That's... a really weird ending.
Anyway, that movie wasn't really offensive at all! I suspect it's a super inaccurate adaptation.