OK. By all accounts, this movie is horrible. I have been urged, by multiple sources, not to watch this. Honestly, even the cover art is making a pretty strong case against it. The only reasons I am watching it are the premise that the worse a movie is, the more amusing it is to read my reactions, and that it contains Jeffrey Combs. Jeffrey Combs being the star of the Reanimator movies, the totally insane investigator from The Frighteners, and the voice of The Question in JLA, has this amazing ability to make otherwise just plain awful things surprisingly watchable just by his absolute mastery of that special B-movie flavor of awesome. The Reanimator series in particular are passable SOLELY by virtue of him making such a great mad scientist.

OK, we start off with someone crying and... dumping his dead wife's body in a river possibly, before some VERY generic metal accompanies the opening credits flying at the screen and exploding. He is then dumped in the asylum apparently. He doesn't seem to be our main character though. That would be officer Combs here, who checks in on him briefly before going to investigate a mass-murder in progress in what appears to be the mansion from Eternal Darkness. Suddenly, he's attacked by Wolverine. Um, what? OK, someone who may be the guy in the asylum as this may be a flashback just jumped out at him, with retractable wolverine claws, and only failed to kill him because a girl in a purple burka mysteriously appears and looks at'em. Yeah, I'm figuring this was a flashback. I'm also inclined to believe that this movie may, in fact, be based on a comic book from the 90s. We totally have one of those vibes going.

Anyway, catching back up to the present, Wolverine uses his mental powers to make his shadow grow batman-cowl-ears, before being interrupted by his touchy feely psychologist coming in to tell him to "feel the music." Meanwhile Officer Combs is outside having a conversation that more or less completely confirms that yes, this is so totally based on a 90s comic book movie. Also meanwhile, in the legion of doom's HQ, burka girl strips while relaying information to Goldfinger, meeting our quota of boobs by paragraph 3. Although really it's just the one visible, but I'm pretty sure that still counts.

Back in the nuthouse, Wolverine is drawing satanic doodles on the wall. Dr. Music comes in with more CDs for him, and somehow interprets his horrified glance at the metal CD as let's listen to that! This causes him to freak out and smash the CD player, but it also snaps him out of his semi-catatonia and he immediately launches into a properly framed flashback. He's sitting around painting with his wife, when the russian mob suddenly bursts in, starts attacking his wife, and changes the sappy music in the CD player out for some metal. Seriously, we've got the soundtrack change in-movie here. Then they smash up the joint. Did I mention it's bad metal by the way? Anyway, we kinda skip ahead some and it turns out to have actually been his wife's necklace he was tossing into the river. As he's doing that, Goldfinger pulls up in a limo behind him and encourages him to jump... with an exchange of bad comic book dialog, while burka girl just kinda prances around. Seriously, this scene has some really hilariously bad acting going on. Anyway, Goldfinger offers him superpowers in exchange for his soul. And by super powers I mean Wolverine's claws.

Wolverine immediately proceeds to head out and get in really unconvincing fight scene, where some guy holds him down so his small and wimpy girlfriend can weakly punch him in the face a few times before he kills them with his claws. Then we're back to the present so he can exchange some more hilariously bad dialog with Dr. Music. Suddenly back in flashback land, he comes and gives the heart he just yanked out of someone's chest to Goldfinger... I don't know why I'm calling him Goldfinger honestly. It's just the first name of a generically evil guy I could think of. Anyway though, he encourages him to eat the heart, so that his son my become the Stallion the Mounts the- wait no, that reference doesn't work at all here does it. Anyway, then he has him go take a shower and have sex with slutty girl there... which is caught on camera, possibly to later be posted on the internet porn site he's running on the side of the whole turning people into 90s anti-heroes thing he has going. Present again, more Quality Dialog.

Later, Dr. Music pokes around at his file before sneaking out to get away from the goons come to kill him. Man, shouldn't you like, call the cops or something? Shame on you. In any case, Goldfinger buries him alive after taunting him some, and tosses his claws in after. Um, wait. The claws are totally mechanical strap-to-the-wrist deals? They aren't even burst out of your arm supernatural claws? WOW is that pathetic! Luckily, he seems to be dead now so Officer Combs can get around to being the main character... or is he? Um, wow. All of the sudden we've got this crazy red-lit dream sequence where Wolverine is being attacked by this pair of 70s-rocker skeletons that look like they're out of that one Grateful Dead video, with, naturally, some metal in the background, and he uses his claws to make their head explode, before bursting out of his grave, which, incidentally, has a headstone that says Faust in this very suspiciously logo-like font. Especially considering that his name isn't even close to that.

And at this point this officially becomes a full blown superhero movie. Wolverine is suddenly in this UTTERLY RIDICULOUS Satan-Man costume complete with red devil domino mask and batwingy cape. It's possible that is isn't officially a costume, because he kinda seems to have this really hairy bare chest thing going on with it that's a bit odd. Anyway though, he's spouting off cheesy "edgy" one-liners and tossing mobsters around like rag dolls to rescue Dr. Music. It's pretty darn funny. Oh, and Officer Combs winds up getting back on the case, which is nice but the odds continue to drop on him being the main character.

One of the goons survives and goes to talk to Goldfinger, whose actual name is M, which I'll stick with from now on as it's much simpler. He actually meets Slutty McSkankwhore there, who is apparently unable to have a conversation with anyone without having sex with them as they do so. Oh, and she kills him as the conversation ends. Not so much because he's the bearer of bad news, she just kinda felt like doing so. So then M comes in and... causes her breasts to expand cartoonishly to be the size of uh... old computer monitors let's say and- OH WHAT THE HELL MOVIE! SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE HELL! As if that wasn't a weird enough thing to do by itself, they continue to grow, along with her butt, until she's just this face sticking out of the middle of 4 slimy beach balls in the middle of the floor dripping with slime. Then M turns her back to normal. Wow. Just wow.

Um. Yeah. It took me a moment to parse that scene, but anyway, Wolverine, back in normal angsty crazy mode goes to Dr. Music's house to talk to her about his personal angst. Suddenly he partially transforms into his Devil-Man Woman form and freak her out. Cops instantly burst into the room, for no real reason that makes any sense, he goes through the rest of his cheesy transformation sequence, kills them with silly one-liners, and leaves, because, well, awkward moment. He let one cop live so he could report the incident. That's kind of his thing, so Officer Combs. is called in as backup. Some stuff that makes no logical sense but kinda fits with this sorta movie happens, where a Bad Man backed up by generic cops goes to inject Dr. Music with something, and they run onto a crowded subway car where Devilman gets to engage them in a proper fight scene, while Officer Combs looks on from just too far way to participate. Eventually, Devilman cuts the train in half and Dr. Music leaps to the safety of his side. They fly off to his apartment, which I can't imagine being a particularly good hideout honestly, and proceeds to hit on her. Oh, and he mostly changes back to normal so now he's just in naked human mode with sorta-horns... and now he's back down to pure human so we can have yet another gratuitous sex scene. Partway through this she freaks out and has another vision of someone with this goopy non-face. She had one of those earlier too, but I was kinda still reeling from the boob monster scene and didn't mention it. "I call him the Smooth Man" she explains.

Later, Officer Combs goes to pay a visit to Bad Man. Aha, Commissioner Bad Man it seems. He's off having a meeting with a big group of rich affluent satanists or something, where he's giving a speech made of more Hilariously Bad Comic Book Dialog. M replies to him in total Emperor Palpatine mode. Officer Combs meanwhile is uh... snooping around unattended apparently, eventually getting to overhear this conversation. Then M rips his stomach open, unleashing some kinda claw monster thing that eats Commissioner Bad Man in a really weirdly non-gory manner, which yields an awesome reaction shot from Officer Combs, and leaves everyone else in attendance just... impressed and enthused really.

M sees Officer Combs, so the following phone call to Dr. Music to come meet him in M's mansion alone to discuss a plan to bring him down is probably a mind control thing. Now here's one of M's goons, who is apparently a Japanese scientist, because he's doing something I can only describe as Doing Science, gets a visit from Slutty McBoobmonster who apparently is planning to double cross M, and actually isn't sleeping with Dr. Japan during this convo. I guess someone realized that after seeing someone turn into a slimy boob monster, we really don't need to see'em naked again after that. By the way, I'm really confused by M's apparent status as agent of pure supernatural evil and crime boss. I'm pretty sure his official deal is being a crime boss who does black magic on the side, but the whole contract in blood to buy someone's soul is odd.

Ah, finally! Dr. Music is introduced to M by Officer Combs who seems to have just gone full-on traitor honestly. They talk for a bit, then Combs joins in and FINALLY gives this movie a much needed dose of awesome Jeffrey Combs talk. Oh, and after that Dr. Japan gives M a shot of Fist of the North Star Head explodey juice instead of his usual immortality serum. Slutty then comes in and blows his head off with a shotgun. Uh, couldn't she have just done that first? Coup successful, she puts on a dominatrix outfit and goes to taunt Dr. Music. And put her in a stockade. And explain a really really weird take on feminism. And whip her. And dress her in a chainmail bikini and lock her in a human sized and shaped birdcage. And mutter at her in a bad accent where I can't really make anything out. And electrocute her while repeatedly saying "remember" to induce a flashback. Specifically, a flashback to making out with "Smooth Face" while levitating over a bed. And... I guess the point of all of this is to somehow turn her into her S&M disciple or something... which seems to have worked because now Dr. Music is just writhing around and sucking her fingers.

Oh, and it turns out M recovered from having his head expanded and blown off. You'd figure there'd be some kind of revenge scene called for here, but instead we skip ahead to this black mass sorta deal where Dr. Girlfriend is strapped to a table ready to be sacrificed. Oh OK. The big naked demon girl statue up against the wall is actually Slutty strapped to the wall and covered in paint. Apparently, as her punishment, M sticks his hand into her stomach and pulls an albino boa constrictor out of her belly button. That's kinda weird. He then feeds it face first down the throat of an also-grey-paint-covered Officer Combs, after which Slutty bursts into flame. Also,gee that was a suggestive scene there. Anyway, they stab Dr. Music and prance around a bit, and then Devilman finally remembers how, oh yeah, I'm supposed to jump in and rescue her aren't I. Well, better late than never. The whole ritual sacrifice bit though doesn't seem to have actually killed her though, just turned her into an evil slut. Seriously. This causes Devilman to de-power in despair and just sit there slack-jawed while M totally bangs his girlfriend in front of everyone. Oh and here's some random nudity in the background, because yeah, we totally haven't had enough of THAT in this movie have we?

Halfway through this, Dr. Music snaps out of this, because I guess it reminds her of being raped by her dad, which is what the smooth face bits were all about... and yeah, dialog totally confirms that. Also, uh, some silly monster bursts out of the floor. It looks like a Dune sandworm with arms and gopher teeth. It's not attacking anyone or anything though, just kinda chilling out. But anyway, Dr. Music cuts Devilman's bound wrists free, which I didn't realize was an issue, rather than stabbing him. Oh yeah, and gopher worm gets a big glowing pentagram on its forehead that shoots lasers, which incinerates all the cultists who aren't important to the plot. Especially Officer Combs. Wah! Oh, and it also shoots tractor beams. Anyway, Devilman kills the worm. Then M who still apparently controls Devilman somehow, makes a deal with Dr. Music where he can have his soul back if he can have her firstborn child's instead. She agrees to this surprisingly quickly, then goes "HA-ha! I'm actually barren!" Then Devilman, now reverted to naked human form, but hey, still with wrist claws, kills M in a way that actually works because it's convenient to the plot now, but then Devilman dies of angst. I mean that. he mutters some angsty garbage about how as soon as he started down the road to revenge he was already dead, then spontaneously keels over. And that's the end of the movie.

A quick visit to Wikipedia confirms (oh hey, as does watching the preview for this very movie in the special features) that yes, this is indeed based on a lame 90s comic book. In all fairness though, it should be noted that Spawn ripped THIS off, not the other way around. They also apparently WERE intending to go for a look of Wolverine+Batman+Daredevil... so... sadly enough, this movie was probably EXACTLY what the target audience was hoping it would be. Me? I was hoping for a proper Jeffrey Combs vehicle. Which I did not get. Instead I just get the boob monster scene and a whole lot of cheese. Can't really complain about the cheese I suppose. Oh, and fun fact. The trailer reveals that this was directed by the same guy as Beyond Reanimator (the one that ends with a rat wrestling with a severed zombie penis), and Return of the Living Dead 3 (the one with the angsty zombie girl who keeps giving herself facial piercings to resist the urge to eat people). And yes, it is a shame that I watched both of those before I started the whole consciousness stream thing.