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OK. This here is the other movie I saw a preview for when watching Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity there and was actually willing to give a shot, Creepozoids. This promises to be good old fashioned schlocky fun. We start off with a nerdy scientist opening a door to see a big funky monster that kills her off camera, and then cut to a green crunchy Apple ][ like text scroll explaining that it's a post-apocalyptic setting. Simple enough. After that, we've got a big ol' group of characters walking through some unconvincing ruins with the opening credits popping in in more crunchy computer readout fashion. We also have some very very 80s synth music drowning out their inconsequential dialog. Now they, and the music, take a bit of a break, so, here's some inconsequential dialog I can't ignore. One guy has a shoulder that aches when it's going to (acid) rain apparently. This is our big excuse for everyone taking shelter in this building of presumably monster-filled nature.
So yeah. We are really very much going into clueless horror folks mode. Granted, nothing is particularly up yet, but everyone just kinda splits up and explores this abandoned uh... generic military building I guess, with people immediately locating the beds and shower. Refreshingly enough, the token girl doesn't immediately take a shower, just gets a drink from it, because, again, post-apocalyptic setting. The guy hanging around with her points out that it might be contaminated. Reminds me of the time I ended up taking 20 rads in Fallout 3 going to the bathroom. No don't DRINK from the toilet I mean search the tank for hidden items or something! Ugh! Anyway though, people find a severed head, kick it into the corner, and then head to the kitchen for a nice dinner.
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After dinner, NOW token girl decides to take a shower. This is paragraph 3, so... yup. That was pretty much right on cue. I know I could cheat and reformat things to do this, but I assure you, the curse of boobs by paragraph 3 is a natural phenomenon. I don't edit these posts beyond spell-checking, it's kind of the one rule I have. But yeah, Girl and Dude have arbitrary shower sex. Meanwhile Boss and Nerd examine the hilariously crunchy computer and find out people were doing genetic research here. Boss wanders off, nerd hears a creepy crying sound in a vent, crawls in, winds up putting his hand in a pile of feces, then stands up, and gets attacked by a monster. Now, I could see sticking his hand in it because he was looking up for where there was more head room, and I can see crawling into an open room because you're looking down. Both at once though? Where were you looking?
The next morning, people have wacky shenanigans waking each other up, then go have breakfast, then Nerd, who is actually present for some reason, kinda goes spontaneously melty-splodey. Everyone's reaction to that is pretty much "uh... that was odd" myself included. They go check the computer some more, and come up with some crazy theory where he was exposed to Science which caused his body to generate its own food, and then when he went and ate on top of that, it was too much food so he exploded. So uh... they fight over who is next to crawl down the tunnel of doom, for a WHILE. Then the winner does the same... crawling right through the feces pile while able to stand up. Meanwhile, girl wanders off, sees a hanging corpse, and then gets attacked. Ever notice how often that happens in horror movies? It's like monsters go exploring, see something, go "Wow! That'd really freak someone out! I'm going to go hide around the corner from it!"
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So uh, 3 people now have been attacked by the monster, none of them dying though, and people point out that it clearly isn't trying to kill'em. Apparently it's just here to play tag, or something... which somehow then makes you explode when you have breakfast. You'd think nerd guy would have had something to say in the several hours between getting slapped and dying though, what gives there? Oh, and then someone else gets randomly attacked by a R.O.U.S. while doing more searching and researching. Anyway, there's a lot of rambling squabbling over what to do.
A couple people end up going back to the computer room to see if they can get the modem to dial out, and get attacked by the tag monster. It uh, kinda hugs and kisses them, and knocks them unconscious by tossing them around the room when they're all trying to kill it. Then it spits explosion on the computer, and drags one of them off, possibly to go home and make sweet love down by the fire. Probably even. While this is going on, Girl and uh, Other Girl, are hanging out in the bedroom/shower area, when another R.O.U.S. attacks. Despite being established as military types, they react by screaming and jumping up on the bed. It bites Girl 2's neck. Meanwhile, Monster takes its new boyfriend home and uh... urinates on him? It might be coming from it's mouth, but there's a lot of it. This causes him to eventually go all melty-splodey and die. Meanwhile, the R.O.U.S. bite turns Girl 2 into a kinda zombie.
Girl fights off zombie girl, then proceeds to uh... get her head bitten off by the monster. If it seems like this movie is playing really fast and loose with who's where when, it's because it really really is. So... we seem to be down to just Dude here at this point. Dude comes up with some kind of uh... Science based monster-fighting method which amounts to stabbing the big Alien knockoff that is our monster with a syringe. This causes the monster's head to fall off for some reason. It's odd enough looking that I have to wonder if it was a total accident that they kept in for the heck of it.
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So uh, yeah. Monster presumably dead, Dude takes a moment to relax. However, the monster is re-growing it's head! Or uh... possibly giving birth through its neck. ... Huh. Yeah, apparently it is in fact giving birth through its neck. A decidedly human looking puppet-baby pops on out of there, complete with umbilical cord. Uh... honestly, the camera angle on all of this that it may not be the neck, it might have just plain ol' had a baby. Actually yeah, we've got a human looking baby with a bug-armored back, and I have been describing the monster as rather makey-outy. It's possible I wasn't joking. Monster-human hybrid? Anyway though, it's gradually crossing the room. Seriously, takes it a while. Eventually though, a fight scene breaks out... and uh... an editing error suddenly teleports Dude across the room. Silly fight scene, silly fight scene... the 4th or so time in this movie has taken a monster to the face by poking their head where it obviously is, and... baby is strangled with his own umbilical cord. This should be rather gruesome, but it looks and sounds way too silly for that to come across. Eventually though, baby is choked out, Dude wanders off victoriously, and baby is revealed to not be dead because that's how, you know, every horror movie ends.
So uh... yeah, that movie had an amusing amount of problems with it. The plot really doesn't make a whole lot of sense, people are constantly teleporting around, there's a number of huge editing errors, and the whole crawling through an air vent bit really seems more like someone just crawling along the edge of the same room half the movie is shot in with the camera in real close. High on cheesy goodness though.
Special features include only trailers but one of these trailers is for a movie that looks so awesome I can't believe I've never heard of it. Backlash: Oblivion 2. In addition to apparently being the sequel to a movie called Oblivion that Netflix isn't tossing out on search results, because Netflix kinda sucks with searches. It's deplorable. But anyway, this here movie? Cowboys. Aliens. A pink demon dressed like a rich 1800s dude. Giant stone turtle. Main character with a powder blue top hat parrying lasers with a cane. Isaac Hayes. This doesn't just look cheesy good. This looks quite possibly actually good. First one may be too. Need to do some Research.
