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So what's your Alien clone called? Creature. Gee... how creative. On the upside, the opening info dump is read aloud by that 80's announcer guy. Also, at least initially, we're set on Titan. Titan's fun for setting things on. How come people stopped doing that? Is it because we've kinda collectively given up on space colonization as a civilization? Because I've gotta say, that's super depressing. Anyway, these two guys find a big ol' space coffin lying around, and figure hey, let's open it up why not? Or at least, look through the window on the front and see the big scary monster clearly being alive inside. One guy is pretty much going yeah screw this and wandering off, but the dumb guy convinces him to come back and sit on the coffin so there's a scale comparison in the picture he's taking with his big frelling clunky camera. So the guy with half a brain dies first. Shame.
So... apparently dead guy turns into a kamikaze zombie, and crashes into the local space station, causing it to explode. Now here's our actual characters... not an actor among them from the look of it. Only one looks like she should be in a space movie, and she doesn't talk. Everyone else looks like they were just kinda hanging out at a truck stop and just wandered on set or something. We seem to have a whole 4 girls though, that is crazy rare for this sort of thing. One doesn't talk, one can't act, one is not a native english speaker, and one might be the non-actor seeming like two people thanks to confusing editting. We've also got Beefy and Dopey here. I think that's everyone. Foreign is now sleeping with Dopey and... yeah, boobs by paragraph 3. Or boob at least, for half a second, as the scene fades out. Oh and we also have a corporate jerk. Gotta have a coroporate jerk in an Alien clone don'tchaknow. Also, wow, this ship doesn't really have a cockpit or a bridge or anything. It's just kinda got a mission control room where everyone sits around wearing headsets and types instructions into the computer to land. I... can actually appearciate that. Also, wow, totally inappropriate Star Wars laser sounds while firing up the engines here. You know that "PYOW-J-J-J-J!" one?
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Corporate Jerk sure is a jerk. So let's see. Beefy is the captain, NoAct is... communications apparently, Mute Ripley is Corp's personal security goon it seems. Let's see if I can work out anything about the rest. Well gee, now they're al wearing identical space suits with numbers on the sides of the helmets. I apparently could get away with just referring to everyone as 1-7. Too late now though, so instead let me just try and make some lame joke about those being the hotkeys to switch to them... eh, I've got nothing. Plus they all just took their helmets off. Anyway, does anyone want to take bets on whether this movie has so many girls because it's socially aware, wants to keep the options open on who officially gets to be the Ripley, or just wants to get some exposed boobs out down the road? All seem equally plausible at this juncture.
Let's see, here's Foreign and Dopey finding the space coffin from eariler. Dopey wanders off, so, Foreign's doomed I guess. She finds some corpses wedged in corpse-hiding places. Specifically, under a computer console, and in a closet. So she.... sensibly runs off to get everyone else, who all come in to see, guns at the ready. They shoot the alien knockoff then run to find a secure door. One of the girls, Foreign I think, is lagging behind, so... they just leave her to die with her arm caught in the door. Also Mute Ripley just talked, so I guess I have to drop the Mute now. Anyway, here's an abandoned smoke filled lab with dead monsters in tubes. "According to the first expedition, this stuff is over 200,000 years old." Really? Because this doesn't look at all like you were going for ancient alien technology. Also, here's more space coffins.
Can'tAct is supposed to be sad that Foreign died it seems, also we're generally on board with the plan of %$@# this let's just leave. Then some eastern european, or German, or maybe Swedish guy comes out of nowhere and tries to rape Mute Ripley. That aside he's actually a pretty likeable dude. Everyone's all "How did you get in here?" and he just goes "If you haven't noticed, the back half of your ship is missing." I'm going to call him Ya, but seriously, he's the only character in this movie with any charisma. Sadly, his accent dooms him. He's got a cool backstory of being the only survivor of the last ship to come poke around at this stuff, explaining that the lab is apparently "someone's butterfly collection." "Let's go back to my spacecraft, I have bombs zhere zhat will blow it back to hell." Oh and he also explains how it makes people zombies. You'll notice that the monsters from Alien knockoffs almost always turn people into zombies. It's a lot cheaper than actually bothering to make a nifty alien. Also it provides an excuse for this scene! Remember when I was giving even odds on the high girl population being progressive or porny? Yeah... stark naked zombie Foreign here. She lures out Dopey by being his naked girlfriend and takes his helmet off and kills him.
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Anyway, they're low on air, so they're sending Mostly Mute Ripley out to salvage the air tanks off dead guys. Ya volunteers to tag along, pointing out that he's really familiar with the area, but really he just wants to sexually harass/assault her some more. Again, somehow this fails to make him less likable. Meanwhile, zombie Dopey wanders over to his ship and calls everyone else, saying "So hey, this German guy has a working ship and plenty of air, let's steal it and go home." Then he hangs up and we see oh hey, these zombies have honest to goodness brain slugs stuck to the sides of their heads. Anyway, here's Ya morning his various dead friends. Which he can totally do, because he can actually act well. I really hate how doomed this guy is... and... wait, did Ripley just call him Popler? He's the best character in the movie, AND his name reminds me of a great Futurama episode? Oh. "Hoffner." Screw that. Ya, your name is Popler now. And I hope you live, despite everything I know about movies telling me you won't.
You know, the awesomeness of Popler reminds me of something. Didn't Spoony post a movie review forever ago about some terrible movie wasting the talents of some weird german guy who was the only good thing about a bunch of otherwise unwatchable B-movies? Pretty sure that was this same guy. Anyway though, right, plot. So CanAct goes off to see what Zombie Dopey is doing, explains how she's a biologist, not a medical doctor, and then gets shown his swinging new bachelor pad full of hanging corpses and an Alien knockoff. So she's pretty safe to write off as dead now. Then Beefy and Corp realize that hey, something seemed kinda off about that guy, like he was maybe a zombie or something, and go to check things out. So yeah. CanAct now has no head (also shirt). On the upside, Beefy stuffs a grenade or something in Zombie Dopey's mouth and his head explodes. That's never going to get old by the way. If you're ever working on anything, and you're on the fence about whether someone should shove a grenade in a zombies mouth and have its head explode, the answer is yes. Also these doors make Star Wars blaster rifle sounds when opening and closing. Seriously, I love this stealing of Star Wars sound effects and using them in totally inappropriate places thing this movie does.
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Anyway, I really want t know why Can'tAct gets to be Final Girl here. She and CanAct look enough alike it took a while before I was sure they weren't the same person. Why keep the one who can't emote? Anyway, she wanders off on her own somewhere and gets attacked by Gollum, trying to stck a brain slug on her. Seriously, just this random, never seen him before zombie, with no hair, puffy eyes, stresses his Ses, and even says "My Precious." It's kinda weird, considering we're going with brain slug zombies, how we keep introducing new characters like this. Also, man, quit focusing on all these characters I couldn't give a @#$% about. What's going on with Popler and Mute Ripley? Are they going to burst in at the last minute to save the day? Also, did we just forget that Beefy and Corp hate each other? I think we did. Seriously, there was this big long scene early on establishing this, and now they're just like, bestest buddies. Still love these door sounds. "PCHEEEEW!" "PCHEEEEW!" go the doors!
Anyway, people run around kinda arbitrarily, Beefy and Corp let Can'tAct back into one ship or other, fight Gollum, notice he has a brain slug, so they just rip it off, throw it on the ground, and step on it. And... wait. Gollum isn't a zombified Popler is he? Movie! Did you kill off your best character off camera, when he wasn't even wandering off alone, but was with your clear Ripley clone? What the hell! Who does that? I knew you were going to kill him, but I figured he'd at least get one last scene to be awesome! Oh wow. "I saw a movie once where a bunch of people were trapped by a carrot in an ice station." Can'tAct just kinda said that out of the blue. Apparently we're trying to set up how the best defense against these brain slug zombies is to set up an electrified floor but... what's the idea behind the ridiculous Thing from Another World reference? You aren't trying to score points by name dropping a debatable classic, or you would have been more respectful about it, and you... don't need to rationalize that plan, you can just go do it. Most people probably wouldn't even have made the connection.
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And oh hey, he's the actual Creature we named the movie after showing up, kinda. So uh... did you guys actually even bother to build more than just a head for this thing? Seriously, every time they show it, all you see is the clear Alien knockoff head. And oh hey, they did. Yeah, it's just the thing from Alien. Not actually that bad a recreation of it. They didn't put a counterweight on the back of the head though, so it just kinda lopes its head back and forth while walking. But anyway, they electrocute it and poke it with a stick. So now we're just stealing German's ship and going home with Beefy, Corp, and Can'tAct. And the dead alien on the floor. And a totally AWOL Mute Ripley. Presumably she's going to turn up as a zombie and kill Corp. Meanwhile, Can'tAct is just kinda... lingering by the dead monster here. Kicking it. Really just pretty much waiting for it to get back up. Eventually it does, but, well of course it does.
You know what would be great right now? If it turns out Gollum was just some other, similar looking German guy, and the real Popler showed up with those bombs he said he had back on his ship to kill the monster. Ideally just after it kills these three. NO Corp. NO! I said POPLER shows up with his bombs! You don't get to go do that. You're supposed to be dead by now. How dare you sir! You go get yourself killed right now! Oh, and you know what else would work? If Gollum WAS Popler, but it turns out he's fine now, having had time to recover after his brain slug removal. OK, that's more like it. Corp is getting killed before getting a chance to set the timer on the explosives. Beefy blows him and the monster biting his head off off he ship instead, though a... weirdly perfectly circular floor. I can't really object to Beefy getting to do that, since he was supposed to be one of the final two characters and all. And... OK. They just opened a door under them and they fell out. The bombis just kinda... strapped to the monster now somehow. And seriously, it's not a bad monster, why not more zombies? Anyway, Beefy heads out to wrestle with the monster a while and generally keep it off the ship while waiting for it to explode. Then Mute Ripley comes out of nowhere to shoot the bomb because the timer doesn't work. Beefy asks where she's been the whole movie. "... I got lost." "What?" "I got lost." Uh... OK then. That's... how the movie ends. Mute Ripley apologizes for wandering out of the movie and not being able to find her way back until the very end, they leave, credits.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go IMDB Popler and find some other movies he's been in.
