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OK. Big Man Japan here is one of those movies Netflix tossed out when they saw the other weirdness I'd been grabbing. Not even as a suggestion, just, the sort of weirdoes trying to rent Robo-Geisha liked this thing. I'm pretty much just going into this cold. We've go a bummy looking guy riding a buss and being interviewed. He's saying he likes umbrellas because they get big when you want them to. So.. yeah, this is one of those movies that goes all documentary style and thus isn't all that fast paced. Anyway, just seeing someone kinda wandering about in a convenience store in Japan is really making me want to take another trip over yonder. Or at least get some little konbini tempura bowl thing. Anyway, shopping done, our bummy dude here wanders off to his tiny little rundown house which says "Monster Prevention Organization" over the door. Bummy also likes dehydrated seaweed because, again, it expands on command. We're going somewhere with this. Slowly though. For now it's just a cameraman interviewing off-duty Ultraman here in his dingy rundown house. They're just having this dull conversation about his ex-wife and estranged daughter, and doesn't miss a beat when someone throws a rock through the window. Or when someone throws another one a while later. Presumably, we're going for kind of a Hancock thing here.
At this point, the camera has gotten bored and wandered off to look at cats while the interviewer talks to the guy who runs the noodle place he always eats at. Yeah, this is going to be too slow paced a movie to work for a CS isn't it. He can't spend much time going on trips with his daughter he says because he never knows when work will turn up, explaining how it's important not to rely on the U.S. for stuff like this, and then, finally, his phone rings. It's work, so he explains he has to go over to the local electric plant and power up. So they gradually mosey on over that way, not really in any particular hurry. Nor is this movie's pacing. Oh, and there's a lot of protest signs along the way, asking him to please stop littering and scaring all the birds away and noise polluting. The camera isn't allowed inside once they get there, so they have to watch from a distance while he turns into a giant, uh, giant, with a silly hairstyle, and go off to fight "The Strangling Monster" which looks like the illegitimate love child of Hitler and the Michelin Man. It suplexes a sky scraper, then oviposits some eggs in the foundation. Then fixes its combover. Then it's time for a giant monster fight... which could look a lot better if they went with proper rubber suits instead of going all computer graphics with it.
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So now we're interviewing someone else, asking how he goes back to normal size. Apparently he does so on his own, but it takes a few days for him to shrink down, so there's this awkward period of people having to provide food and shelter for a ridiculous looking giant guy. Oh, and apparently he gets corporate sponsors to tattoo stuff on him for extra income because the actual pay is only about $2000 a month according to the translation. Now we've got this wonderful little flashback with grainy black and white footage as we talk about how his grandfather, Big Man the Fourth had this major life of luxury going on, and had all kinds of toys and board games made about him. Used to be there were big ol' teams of crazy giant guys fighting off hordes of monsters, but it's kinda died down and people are also a bit blase about the whole scene, televising his epic monster battles at 2 AM and still getting lousy ratings. They've also shut down most of the specialized electric plants used to enbiggen superheroes, so there's a lot of commuting between the three remaining ones. The interviewer asks if it wouldn't be faster to just always transform in Tokyo and walk to where the monster is, which yields one of those "huh, I never thought of that" faces. Anyway though, for this next attack, the camera gets to go in and see how this works. ÊIt involves a big crazy shinto ritual which has really been toned down as people are less into it. Point of fact, he can apparently just grow to city destroying sized anywhere without having to shout power phrases and ask for blessings from Amaterasu and such, but dagnabit you've gotta hold on to traditions, even if you're totally half-assing them. Next comes the real important part, where they unpack his giant purple speedo which he stands inside of rater awkwardly and they hook him to a giant electric generator. OK, this has been kinda slow paced so far, but seeing a guy standing in a giant purple speedo totally makes this whole movie.
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Now we've got the Leaping Monster, which is just a big kinda elvis looking head on a leg, and Mr. Big is getting scolded for how you can't see the big logo on his chest while he's wrestling it. Now, at this point, I can't help but notice that this movie would be AMAZINGLY hard to explain to anyone who wasn't into this whole sorta thing to begin with. Really, it'd just be the most confusing thing ever. Also, I somehow forgot to mention this last time, but every time a monster is killed, or, defeated really, since the trick just seems to be preventing them from using their preferred form of attack, their soul ascends to heaven in a giant column of light. Anyway though, time for karaoke! And seriously, can someone explain to me how Americans manage to pronounce that "carry-oakie?" I can see getting "key" out of "ke" and I can see mangling the "ra-o" because that's just not a vowel transition you make in english, but how does "a" "o" become "ee" anyway?
Oh right, the movie. OK, so we visit Gramps in the rest home, he's kinda going senile it seems. We get this backstory where apparently Dad wanted to be the most impressive of all giant weirdos, and tried to get bigger than most with more electricity, but ended up just electrocuting himself, forcing gramps out of retirement. We also have a wall of photos of past Big Men one of whom has a totally awesome top hat. After this visit, gramps apparently goes and zaps himself and has a bit of a senile rampage, which is pretty darn great, but bad for sponsors. There's a big conversation with Mr. Big's agent where he's just drawing the line at painting posters on his hips, and then suddenly it's time to fight the disturbingly phallic Evil Staring monster. It's like a headless chicken with a crotch mounted extending eyestalk. As it's ascending to heaven though, there's a sudden surprise attack by this big demon baby thing with tiny tiny hands and feet. It kinda kicks the snot out of him and he runs away, which is a really amusing sight. Then the interviewer is all "Wow, that was great! You got way better ratings than usual too! I sure want to see that thing again!" "I don't." NOW PUPPIES! Well, OK, adult dogs, belonging to his agent, but still. Random transition.
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So now there's apparently a sudden upswing in monster attacks, but Mr. Big is kinda taking a break and going to visit his daughter. This leads into a pretty darn hilarious conversation where his ex wants the kid's face blurred because she already gets picked on plenty as school for her dad's weird job. "What's weird about my job?" Anyway, mom here really isn't too keen on the idea of her little girl carrying on her father's legacy of growing into a city destroying sized giant and whacking monsters over the head with a big stick for some reason.
Oh, and Stink Monster time! Giant squiddy thing leaning against a skyscraper "What do YOU want?" OK, this just turned into a Cops spoof for a change. Apparently stinky here doesn't really want any trouble, she's just trying to ditch a male Stink Monster that won't leave her alone. Yeah, if this monster wasn't already awesome in my book it'd be there now. Then she has a sudden change of heart, and we get a montage of bad press like "CHILDREN WATCH TV!" Next we've got this really weird scene where a little kid giant monster is taking a nap on a stadium, so he goes and picks him up to carry him home, but in his sleep he ends up biting his nipple, causing Mr. Big to drop him in shock. Column of light. Memorial service with the singing of hymns.
One drinking scene later, we've got a flashback to Mr. Big here as a very morbidly obese kid being tormented by his dad and... wow that was kind of a weird visual to end a flashback on. Anyway, point is, Dad was kind of a jerk, but Gramps is the man... or was before going senile and having giant senile rampages of hilarity. Oh, and now we're also reaching that point in EVERY movie that goes all documentary where they start totally cheating and abandoning the format, to have a montage of him wandering around kinda bummed while sappy music plays and a swat team busts into his house and forcibly transforms him in his sleep in the middle of the night... which somehow manages to also gigantify his cat hat was sleeping on his stomach. The idea is to force him to fight that demon baby thing, but he so don't wanna still. It wants a fight though and just starts pounding on him. Look who's here to save the day though! It's Giant Gramps! Time for rockin' fight music! And then Gramps is anticlimactically kneed in the head and almost killed. You can tell he's almost killed because his soul is bobbing in and out of him making slide whistle sounds.
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And uh... at this point the movie just kinda goes completely off the rails. As Gramps dies, and the demon baby is breathing fire on Mr. Big, suddenly Super Justice appears! Along with Justice Mom, Justice Dad, Justice Sister, and Justice Baby. Suddenly things switch over to very very very hokey rubber suit visuals and these 5 blatant Ultra Man knockoffs have this really really surreally non-comital fight scene. Mr. Big is weirded the #@$% out, and frankly so am I. Seriously, this whole scene makes the whole rest of the movie seem totally sane and boring. It's like the movie just had a stroke or something. So then the Super Justice family insist he put his hand in to their hand holding beam spam despite his protests that he can't really do that sorta thing, and then they grab him by the arms to fly home to their psychedelic kitchen for drinks and a post-fight critique on each other. They're all still giant silver weirdos for this of course. It's a very awkward conversation. Which goes on for a very long time. And Justice Mom is all annoyed that they screwed up on the choreography of their "BABY OR DIE!" attack which involved drop-kicking the baby.
Wow. I really just can't put into words how odd this movie gets by the end. The best I can manage is pictures. It's just such a bizarre sight.
