Is there anything about Attack Girls' Swim Team vs. the Undead that doesn't scream lowest common denominator? Ah well. It has to be better than Highschool of the Dead, right? Also, huh. No DVD menu here. And no budget either. This is a movie from 2007 that has that same home movie look as the first couple Tomies... well, it's a little better. There's sme lighting, and the director seems to know what he's doing. I mean, what he's doing is an extreme close-up of this girl's nipples poking through her bathing suit, but it's well framed and steady. So, that's something? Anyway, she swims around a while, and gets a creepy vibe of someone being in the pool, and somehow ending up with a handful of hair. Then there's the opening credits which are, eh, opening credits.
Now here's the whole swim team getting yelled at by their coach. He's a creepy looking pudgy guy wearing flipflops, a speedo, and a jacket, and carrying around a bokken. Because you can't learn any skill in Japan unless there's someone to shake a wooden sword at you I guess. Then this mopey character in a regular school uniform is staring at the pool and some random jerk pushes her in. And... Classy. Uniform immediately hits the showers.... I guess to wash off all that water that got on her falling into the pool. So we open with her butt, then come up and spin around to see some very clearly presented Boobs By Paragraph 3. Jerk comes up beside her, strips, and showers with her. I guess to wash off all that... water she was slightly splashed by? Anyway, aside from really really letting the audience see their boobs, there's actually some slight purpose to this scene. Both for some reason have these weird birthmarks on their right boobs. "It looks like a hickey." Clearly, it will eventually be revealed that this is indicative that they're like, the chosen ones immune to zombies. They also have matching moles. Oh hey! They're both Tomie! Except the moles are on their necks.
And oh yeah, the coach just got stabbed like 20 times with some freaky claw shaped Modern Knife while going to the bathroom. Also everyone in the school is getting mandatory flu shots. Also Jerk smokes and is pressuring Mopey to join the swim team. She says she hates water, but obviously she's going to because it's kind of in the title of the movie. And... wait, if you hate water and had no plans of joining the swim team, why were you standing on the edge of the school pool earlier? Anyway, the flue shots are apparently one of them Zombie Virus deals and everyone in the school is going to be a zombie except the ones who aren't. Also here's someone finding the body of the coach stuffed in a closet. But wait, here he is telling everyone not to worry about the body in the closet so.. I guess that was someoe else getting stabbed a bunch.
Anyway, zombie outbreak time. We start out with things going down in a math class, where various people are looking super sick and such, and the teacher si giving some word problem to everyone, then he starts losing focus and... starts juggling 3 rulers like crazy. Did not expect that. He eventually starts hacking people apart though, then he and a few students start doing things properly, with the neck biting and the blood everywhere and the chewing on severed limbs and such. Meanwhile, in the bathroom here, some teacher randomly starts hitting on some other teacher, and getting all strippy, then ties him up and starts cutting off all his toes with a pair of scissors. And... OK, things are starting to go too fast for a proper blow by blow, but there's a clear pattern here which may or may not be intentional. All these students are being properly zombie-ish, but all these teachers and other school staff are just being kinda veiny faced axe-crazy psychos, talking and using weapons and juggling sword-rulers and making weird jokes.
So in short order, it's established that other than Mopey and Jerk, the only people who aren't zombies and/or crazy and/or dead are some other girls from the swim team, and they rather quickly piece together that flu shots make you a zombie, unless after getting one you hop in the pool. Because... I guess chlorine cures zombie. So Mopey, who seems rather suspiciously good at this sort of thing, fights and kills the psycho nurse, math teacher, and a random student or two, then passes out, and wakes up in the cafeteria with Jerk bringing her some soup. Now for a flashback.
OK what the hell movie? So... apparently before transferring to this school, Mopey was abducked (pretty much naked style) by a mad scientist, who tortured her for a while, then trained her as a "water assassin." Eventually she escaped, bu now has a horrible association with water, because it reminds her of training to... swim over to people's secret island hideouts and shoot them in the head, I guess. OK, that's actually pretty funny. "If you value your life, forget what I just told you." "I don't care about my life, so you can tell me anything!" Then they randomly make out a bit with soup in their mouths. You know, for a movie I've been watching long enough to be fairly sure it isn't porn, this movie sure is spending a distressing amount of time on people randomly stripping and making out. And wow, that was a lot of suspended in mid-air drool there. And.... we can move on from this scene any time now movie. You're way over your limit for this sort of thing. Aren't there like, hordes of zombies all over the place? Shouldn't we go back to fighting them? Maybe check in with those other characters we apparently have? At the very least there's no reason to be taking off shirts and lying down. And uh... OK. This is officially a sex scene at this point. An oddly silent, protracted, over my line for this sort of thing sex scene. Let me just fast forward here some... dear gods, really?
So eventually, that scene ends, and here's that one teacher with the scissors wielding a chainsaw and menacing some people. The main characters, after pulling out a guitar and singing for a while, eventually remember they're in what's supposed to be a zombie movie. So they go fill up some buckets from the pool and... yeah, splashing buckets of pool water on zombies instantly cures them. But oh hey, it doesn't work on teachers, because they apparently got a different sort of evil flu shot. And.. what the hell movie! No! Stop turning into porn! Stop that right now! OK, that's it! I'm turning this Consciousness Stream around right now and going home! No screenshots! No conclusion! You are clearly in violation of the one and only rule I have for these things.
OK, seriously. Here's the little descriptive blurb for this movie, in full. "A lab mix-up accidentally swaps a vaccine with a virus that turns a high school full of students and teachers into flesh-eating zombies. But all is not lost: New student hottie Aki discovers that the swim team is immune to the plague. With the school rampaged by ravenous monsters, the girls engage in an over-the-top orgy of gory violence to save the day. Sasa Hanada, Yuria Hidaka, and Hiromitsu Kiba star in this comic creature feature." What part of any of that implies that halfway through it just flat out turns into porn? Well, use of the word "orgy" I guess, but it's in a totally non-sexual context! I am seriously bewildered. I mean, there's a certain amount of sleaze you typically have to deal with in random stupid violent cheese but... this was a straight-up goofy little no budget zombie movie for the first hour, and then apparently the last 20 minutes or so just drop the plot completely and just have a bunch of random context free, "we're just going to point the camera at these two and watch them really have sex" sex scenes. How is that even a thing a movie can do? I mean, if I wanted to watch porn, I don't think I'd want to watch most of a zombie movie first. And if I did, I'd at least want it to mesh as a narrative. Ugh. I need to cleanse my palette after that. What's the other movie I have in today's batch? Something clean and wholesome I hope? Let's see... Onechanbara: Samurai Bikini Squad.