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I may be about to watch a movie about space lizards boxing. I don't have much to go on here. This is also another instance of me doing the streaming thing, which makes for dicey prospects screen wise. I really need to refill the DVD well soon. Also, did those oening credits just say Armin Shimerman? I may remember him as Quark from DS9 and the second principal from Buffy? Rock on! And... as soon as the opening credits are over, I am already satisfied with this movie. We just jumped immediately to some ridiculous alien boxing an even ore ridiculous robot... or I guess they might both technically be cyborgs. Still, it's like, a cyborg demon fighting frelling Gato from Chrono Trigger. And winning. I guess he gets 15 silver points. Now here's some weird random exposition on how there's this high tech handicapping system here that compensates for racial advantages... and yup. There's Armin Shimerman, playing a rat-man. Guy really gets typecast in some unfortunate ways. Anyway, we've got all kinds of crazy cheesy costume aliens all over the place here, and also Cyberdemon just kinda flipped out and tossed Gato into the stands. People watching this at Space Denny's then get into a fight.
So... did I mention yet that this movie is officially awesome no matter what happens from here out? Because it is. That or I just have entirely too huge a soft spot for cheesy 80's space opera. Or, you know, any space opera. There just isn't enough out there dagnabit! People burnt out on Star Wars real quick, then everyone just kinda moved on to Alien style just-humans early space exploration stuff instead. But anyway, Gato's worried about his future as a fighter, meanwhile, the manager of Space Denny's, this 4 armed midget elf, is offering to let this boring main character type crash at his place because he just lost his job and apparently he owes him some kind of life debt or something. Our main character, by the way, is some scrawny white guy who's all mopey about how space boxing sucks now because all these other races are so great at it and you never see humans winning championships anymore. Yeah... I'm going to choose not to interpret this as allegorical. Manager lives in the secret slums of this here space station, which our loser main character here notes is actually way nicer than the place he just got kicked out of.
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The next morning, some goons come to beat our hero up. Sadly, I think this guy is officially our hero, not Gato. Well, I guess it isn't sadly at the moment, since this means Gato isn't the one being beaten up, but you know. Anyway, this here fight scene? Seriously, it's totally out of left field. Two human goon types (they have black leather jackets) just knock on the door, "Are you Steve Armstrong?" "Yes." BRAWL! Anyway, this is... apparently how these guys say hi? When he's done beating them up, Gato's manager comes out from around the corner and offers him a contract. Our loser main character isn't big on this, mainly because he knows Space Boxing is rigged, but... I guess I'll have to use his actual name, Shorty, accepts on his behalf. Then the hit a night club! The waitresses wear big ol' spacey rings. And here's some floozy hitting on Loser while playing Space Craps. Shorty drags him away though. You know... there's an oddly strong case to be made for Shorty totally having a crush on Loser here. Anyway, Shorty drags Loser off so he can watch him bet all of Loser's money on Space Baccarat and lose. Now the joint's getting raided by robocops though. Oh, and Rat-Quark is lurking around looking all sinister. Not sure what his deal is. Anyway, in the commotion, Shorty steals some cash. Now here's another bar, this one pretty shamelessly Mos Eisley. Music and everything.
So... Shorty buys loser a one-way ticket to Earth, which was his goal, so, everything is resolved! Well, that was a short movie. Shorty then suggests he try the Space Boxing thing anyway since, well, it's not like he's forced into it now, if it sucks, he can just go ahead and leave. Now here's a hologram of a bad singer, and here's a REALLY AWESOME FISH GUY watching it. And... here's Rat-Quark taking these two hostage. Have I mentioned how terrible Shorty's extra arms look whenever it isn't convenient to have someone else crouched down behind him? Because they look pretty freaking terrible. Apparently, Rat-Quark is the loyal goon of the rich human jerk Shorty robbed... and is named Weasel. Gee... this movie's even more lazy about naming its characters than I am isn't it. So... yeah, NOW he's forced to go Space Box it seems.
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Shorty and Weasel play Space Poker while they wait, with... Shorty winning enough to cut the debt down considerably really. So ayway, yeah, now it's apparently finally time for some more space boxing. And... holy cow. Loser's first opponent is this huge crazy space centipede thing with thiant cricket legs and... I really hope I manage to get a screengrab of this guy. He looks weird and neat. Also, wow. Humans get forced to wear some really terrible outfits in Space Boxing it seems. So yeah, they fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight. At this point, it's 1 to 1, both from ring outs. His two managers (Boxing and Space Denny's) both give pretty decent advice on how to box a uh... whatever this guy is. And oh hey, eventually he escapes from a stubby little T-Rex arm headlock, and jump kicks him out of the ring. Anyway, he made good on his offer to fight for the money he needed to pay back the gangster who was wronged in getting his ticket back to Earth he still has, so, I guess we're done!
Seriously, this is becoming some weird running gag. Now I guess he can't leave because he's being threatened by Space Gangsters... not because he feels threatened, he's just feeling all contrarian and figures he needs to become champ now. Now here's a bad Space Comedian in another Space Nightclub. Really really bad. Basically, nothing about what actually happens in this movie keeps it from working as a perfectly normal present day movie, except that without the stupid looking aliens and such nobody would be able to ignore how terrible it is in all respects. But because it has those, it's awesome. See! This is wy more people need to make space operas. Oh and now here's Cyberdemon strutting around the club all "Yeah, I'm the champ! Did you see my last fight?" That's... actually what he says. His name is Horn. Because he has those. Again, this movie with its names. Now here's someone singing on stage. This reminds us that this movie was made in the 80's. Not that there's a whole lot that doesn't. Scenes like this though just make it extra extra dated. Mind you though, it's not 80's in that the music is awesome. This song totally sucks, it's just that the singer has huge shoulderpads and big hair. Oh, and a big thick gold belt.
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Shorty spends all of Loser's money again, buying food for slumfolk, getting stalked by Rat-Quark, having the last human Space Boxing champ offer to give him his championship medal (I know it's more Space Wrestling with the ring outs and chokeholds but whatever, mostly they stand there punching)... and hey, classy move pointing out that he really shouldn't do that because dude, he's just a plucky underdog who just barely has one ring. Anyway, we get some crazy montage of him fighting his way up the ranks, ooh hey! Now he's training with some kind of space armadillo! Come to think of it, I guess this is what a krogan from Mass Effeect would look like wearing just boxer shorts. Anyway, meanwhile the Space Gangsters are griping about how they can't rig fights with this guy involved, because they can't get him to take dives, and... apparently they're completely unable to tamper with the handycapping system. Which is... surprising. I kinda figured that was introduced specifically to make a big deal of it being rigged, but I guess they just rig fights the old fashioned way.
Anyway, now Loser is hitting on the only female human in the movie that isn't Manager, despite the fact that she seems to work for at least one guy he's generally opposing, if not both. She was the girl singing lousily, the girl playing Space Craps, and has been seen hanging out with, I think it was Cyberdemon's manager. Also, her room has a big window, giving a lovely view of an indefensibly terrible matte painting of a big pink planet against bright blue space. They start making out, and then we cut away to outside the station, where space is more properly space colored, because we're in a classy movie here. Although not quite so classy as to have her having worn her underwear while having off-camera sex, so, bit of backal nudity while she sits up to grab her bathrobe... with giant triangular shoulderpads. That's... impressive. But yeah, this was apparently an evil plan to impair his boxing ability. As having sex is said to do in boxing movies. She also might have drugged him. So did I mention that Cyberdemon is exactly half robot? The left half. He also has a huge ego, which is kinda weird here. So yeah, he's been pretty drugged. So, you know, they call in a doctor and such, rather than let him just fight like that.
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So yeah. Being drugged... actually, poisoned and almost killed, he's not especially in fighting shape. The doctor says he guesses he can anyway though, just, you know. Not the best idea. Meanwhile here's Cyberdemon calling him Yellow and going "Woo! I guess I'm CHAMPION by default then! Woo! Go me! I'm awesome!" Anyway yeah. Incredibly predictable scene follows. I can't bring myself to sum it up. Short answer though, it's time to fight and win anyway and in the process restore racial pride and defeat the gangster/manager of Cyberdemon by proxie, which will somehow destroy his whole crime deal. I actually thought those were two different people for a while, because sometimes his face is all silver and shiny, but sometimes it looks totally normal because of bad lighting. Anyway yeah. Now of course Rat-Quark is messing with the handicapping system, along with his friend who's a cyborg I don't think I've mentioned but has been around. So yeah. I still can't get past how stupid Loser's plastic diaper with gold suspenders fighting outfit here is. I do like though how he just keeps dodging around and punching him in the non-metal kidney area. This movie is at least sensible about stuff like that. Anyway yeah, round 1 Loser wins, round 2 the handicap system is disabled, seriously, how had nobody done this before? Oh. Because it's obvious. It makes the big spotlights flicker.
Seeing the big ol' Cyberdemon go to his corner and have water squirted into his mouth is just plain amusing. Oh, and apparently they turned the handicap beam why up for Loser in addition to turning the other one off. Anyway, Shorty goes up into the rafters to find Rat-Quark tampering with stuff and beats him up. Which... looks really lame, because this is not a situation where we can have 4 working arms going. Meanwhile, Loser is, of course, being beaten to a bloody pulp, and his eventual victory will be totally implausible. Also, Rat-Quark's head explodes because Rat-Quark isn't monitoring for power surges or whatever. Poor character I didn't bother naming. Anyway, Rat-Quark gets tossed from the rafters to his death, and Loser immediately recovers once the handicap system is... completely shut down now, right? Not just turned back to proper handicapped settings? They aren't specifying, but that's how implausible fight victories tend to go. He also wins by knockout rather than ring out, naturally. So yeah, Floozy defects, of course, but Manager punches her out, because dude, change of heart or not, you just poisoned the guy.
And... that's it. My one big complaint- Whatever happened with Gato? Seriously, Manger was all "don't worry, we're not giving up on you" but that was literally the last time he was seen. Shouldn't he have been there like, helping with training, or serving as a mentor figure to be tragically killed off, or something? That aside though, yeah, that was pretty much exactly the movie I expected it to be. Not good by any means, but awesome.
