They still hadn't been given much to do since their return from Kyoto, though they were allegedly on active duty again. Probably Tatsumi's doing. Good old Tatsumi - he wouldn't let anything happen so soon that would potentially upset him all over again. Or, knowing Tatsumi, it could have been partially out of fear that sending him back to work too soon, while he was still distracted by putting the pieces back together, could result in more damages, which meant more expenses.

     Lying back on the grass dappled with sunlight and sakura, Tsuzuki didn't much care which reason it was, as long as it meant he could slip out of the office unnoticed to lie like this under the trees and just think.

     Well, perhaps not unnoticed - a shadow abruptly fell over his closed eyelids, and a more solid one than would have been caused by the branches overhead blowing in the breeze.

     "You're doing it again."

     He sounded kind of annoyed, which was typical. But as Tsuzuki opened his eyes to the sight of his partner's face, framed by a halo of pink petals and blue sky and backlit honey-colored hair, he also wasn't surprised to see no annoyance whatsoever in Hisoka's eyes.

     "Well, yeah..." he admitted sheepishly. And it probably wasn't even the empathy that had clued Hisoka in. He'd been a little distracted all day.

     Making a faint sound of disgust, Hisoka sat down next to him, resting his elbows on his drawn-up knees as he turned his eyes to nothing in particular. "All of this, all we went through... and you're still as much of a hypocrite as before."

     That wasn't anger in his voice, that was concern, and hurt - and it drove the guilt further into Tsuzuki's heart. "I know, I know... I'm sorry." He tilted his head over to look at Hisoka self-consciously, even though Hisoka's gaze was still focused somewhere in the distance. "...I can't help it."

     "You could if you wanted to."

     "It's not that easy..." Tsuzuki paused, then smiled in spite of himself, closing his eyes and lying back again. "For someone who tries so hard to push everyone away, you're not so good at it."

     He could hear the shift beside him, and opened his eyes again to see exactly what he'd expected to see - Hisoka had indeed turned to look down at him, flustered and almost-but-not-quite glaring. "What's that supposed to mean?"

     "Now, now - don't take it personally or anything," Tsuzuki told him, unfolding his hands from behind his head to hold them up in surrender. His casual smile still played across his lips, because that was how he did things. "It's just that when you try too hard, you make it too obvious what you really want!"

     There was another long pause, then Hisoka sighed, looking back into the distance. All the annoyance was missing from his voice by the time he spoke again. "...Only with you. I could care less what anyone else does."

     "...Yeah, I guess you've got me there..." Tsuzuki's smile had slipped away with Hisoka's annoyance. "You... sort of make it harder for me to stick to it too."

     "Then why not just let it go?" Hisoka said suddenly, frustrated. "I meant everything I said - if I was even going to stay and die with you, what makes you think anything you could tell me would make me leave?"

     But Tsuzuki had been hiding himself and keeping himself at arm's length for something like five times as long as Hisoka had even been alive. It was like there was a block there - a physical block that kept him from sharing some things. Even when he knew it wouldn't hurt anything to share them - even when it would hurt worse not to share them. In fact, when it had driven him to come outside to be alone, he'd known that Hisoka would be hurt by him distancing himself again. He'd done it anyway, and it had only made his self-loathing grow. It was a cycle, he knew it, but he couldn't seem to step outside of it.

     Getting no response, Hisoka crossed his arms over his chest in a huff. "You really are selfish."

     "I'm sorry..." Even now, Tsuzuki couldn't help holding himself inside, and all he could do was offer useless apologies as he hurt Hisoka, the last person he wanted to hurt, over and over. The urge to get up and simply walk away was nearly overwhelming, but that would probably just make things worse, so Tsuzuki squeezed his eyes closed tightly, trying to make it go away. No more hurting Hisoka, no more guilt over hurting Hisoka or anyone else, happy thoughts - fuzzy kittens, sunshine, cinnamon buns with lots and lots of that sticky, sugary glaze...

     "Tsuzuki..."

     ...The way it had felt when Hisoka had thrown his arms around him, clinging to him, telling him that he'd always be there, they could always be together...

     Tsuzuki's eyes fluttered open again, and restrained misery turned to surprise as he discovered Hisoka's arms around him again and curious green eyes only inches from his own.

     "You believe me," Hisoka whispered, lying there in the grass with him. "You believe me... so why are you still doing this to yourself? And to me too...?"

     Surprised (although he wasn't sure why, all things considered) that Hisoka had taken the initiative to touch him, Tsuzuki didn't know what to say at all. "I'm sorry," he whispered back.

     A little something seemed to break in Hisoka's eyes, and Tsuzuki's own arms wrapped around the younger shinigami. This was exactly what had driven him outside, this precise guilt - but if this was what Hisoka wanted, if he could already feel what he felt, if he really wanted answers bad enough to reach out and endure it...

     "I'm sorry," he repeated helplessly. "It's just... it's been a hundred years, you know? And you... what you did, what you said, it helped, it made me feel I could go on, I promise... But it's been a hundred years, and it can't just... I can't just..."

     This was the worst part, honestly. "I can't be happy, just like that - it still hurts. I wish I could be happy, I really wish I could, because I'm really grateful for all you do, for giving me everything... but I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just not enough, and I don't know why... it should be enough... you should be enough..."

     He was running out of words; he'd expected Hisoka to get mad when he figured out what Tsuzuki was saying, to let go and turn away. Tsuzuki was more afraid of that than anything else - of making Hisoka think he didn't appreciate all the support, that it didn't do any good. Instead, as he buried his face in Hisoka's shoulder, he felt the arms around him tighten.

     "You are such an idiot." The soft words weren't angry - rather, they sounded almost relieved.

     "Mmm...?" Tsuzuki left it at that hopeful sound, seeing as anything else he said would have been muffled in Hisoka's shirt anyhow.

     "You think I forgot everything that happened to me just because you were kind to me?" Hisoka asked, slipping a hand under Tsuzuki's head to hold him gently. "You think I could forget about... about Muraki... about my parents... about Tsubaki-hime... just because you comforted me?" He paused, and sniffed. "Well, maybe it could have worked on someone like you - you're such an idiot, you can't keep your mind on anything for very long..."

     Tsuzuki breathed a quiet laugh. Hisoka's spikiness somehow always warmed his heart. Even being called an idiot by Hisoka made him feel better.

     "If you couldn't solve sixteen years worth of my problems right away, why do you think I should be able to solve a hundred years worth of yours just by saying I'll be here for you?" Hisoka continued, his tone softening again. "It'll take time... but I'll be here to help, as long as you keep trying. Even if it takes another hundred years. That's what I really meant."

     Tsuzuki smiled, turning his cheek against the softness of Hisoka's shirt and closing his eyes. Come to think of it, that really was a crazy thing to think, that a hundred years could be washed away in a matter of minutes, or even days. "...How'd you get so smart?"

     "I'm not smart," Hisoka muttered gruffly, stroking his hair. "You're just an idiot."

     Tsuzuki laughed softly again, squeezing Hisoka in return. "Thanks..."

     "Save your thanks for a better occasion - like after we get back to the office." Hisoka shrugged casually against him. "I was thinking that if you really wanted to get your head back together on your own, I'd give you a chance to... But I got tired just sitting there and waiting, so I went out and got donuts."

     Tsuzuki's eyes opened, peeking up over Hisoka's shoulder with interest. "Donuts...?" ...For him, Hisoka had actually bought donuts?

     "But you know," Hisoka continued matter-of-factly, "if you'd really rather sit out here and mope by yourself, Tatsumi-san saw me on the way back, and he was going to go see Watari-"

     Letting out a yelp, Tsuzuki pushed himself up from the ground. "We've got to hurry, then!"

     "I thought you might feel that way," Hisoka said dryly, sitting up and taking his time brushing petals from his hair. "Hey!"

     Tsuzuki had decided to speed up the process by helping, his usual smile spreading across his face. "Why are you complaining when you were just playing with my hair? And well, I wouldn't want your kind gesture to go to waste, that's all..."

     It really was amazing, he thought. Even if Hisoka's acceptance hadn't cleared away all his guilt, or given him quite enough courage to speak openly about how he felt, just having him there to care, whether in big ways or in little ways - little powdered jelly-filled ways perhaps, in this case - was at least good enough to pull him out of the worst of it in no time at all.

     "I... I wasn't playing with your hair," Hisoka belatedly protested, blushing a little as he hurried off after Tsuzuki, who was already heading back towards the building.